


Love Is Not a Victory March

by Percyjacksonfan3



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Sex, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:14:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 56,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24683665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Percyjacksonfan3/pseuds/Percyjacksonfan3
Summary: A look at Erik and Charles' relationship throughout the years, including some scenes I felt were missing from the movies.“You’re turning into the man you hated so much.” Erik closes his eyes. “And you expect me to sit and watch it happen without a fight.”“Not much else you can do.”“Not anymore. You left me bleeding out on a beach, Erik. Even if you couldn’t know about the paralyses, you knew that much.” Charles sighs. “Don’t call here again.”
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Comments: 18
Kudos: 140





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work begins with First Class and ends after Dark Phoenix. It's basically Cherik's relationship with extreme shipper goggles on, which is why I adamantly cling to the interpretation that Raven and Erik never slept together. What was meant to be a oneshot turned into this monster, so anybody who reads to the end is braver than any U.S marine.
> 
> Let me know what you think, please be kind, and I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Title taken from the song Hallelujah.

Erik likes to think of himself as pragmatic. He does what needs to be done, no more and no less. When others hesitate he surges ahead, ignoring any doubts that could halt or hinder him.

He knows how to adapt and how to survive. If one planned course of action doesn’t work out he switches to the next, his own goals always remaining the top priority.

So it’s strange how the memory of Cuba is haunting him.

It had been one of those instants where one moment things are- if not fine, exactly, then manageable. Fixable. One moment he was still in control, halting the missiles, deflecting bullets from Moira as easy as breathing, focused on his own protection- and the next second he hears Charles screaming in pain behind him.

The moment he turns around and sees his friend, back arched, falling to the beach in pain, Erik knows that nothing is going to be the same.

He forgets himself for a short time, rushing to Charles, lifting him up as gently as possible, meeting his eyes and pulling out the bullet- not too deep, thank God, just a flesh wound- with a shaking hand. His chest feels tight with a fear he had hoped would die with Shaw, a constricting, paralyzing fear as he waited for Charles to glare, to curse him or to jerk away in disgust and cast him away so that he’s left entirely alone again.

And then Moira is coming forwards, Moira who has just shot Charles, and this rage is almost strong enough to match what Erik has felt for Schmidt all these years. He feels like his glare could cut diamond as he pulls her dog tags tight around her throat, feeling vicious satisfaction well up as he hears her choke and sees her struggle, watching as her face turns red from lack of air.

He is unable to face the reality that what has just happened to Charles is not entirely Moira’s fault.

Erik had thought he’d gotten better at controlling himself than this, but apparently not. It seemed these past months had been a pleasant holiday of sorts before the real world returned to drag him back to all he knew- violence and betrayal, fear and hatred. The ideals and hopes Charles had for the future were nothing but that; dreams. And now Erik knew, deep in his gut, that he had been the one who was right all along.

He gets out of hand for those few minutes on the beach. Shows too much. But Erik is far too careful with himself to allow his slip to last longer than that.

With effort he regains control, dropping Moira to the sand, ignoring her in favour of the man lying beneath him. He feels Charles in his arms and he tightens his hold where his hands grip solidly. Allowing himself that much and nothing more.

His voice is much more controlled than he would have thought possible when he speaks.

Pragmatism. Forget emotion and continue with what must be done. Handle the fallout later.

He’s not surprised exactly when Charles rejects him but he is… disappointed, perhaps is not the right word either. Not strong enough. Disillusioned maybe. For a moment his resolve wavers and he thinks, _if Charles isn’t joining me, even now, maybe there is something I’m missing._ But no. After the missiles and Moira pulling her gun on him, he’s more sure than ever.

It’s not surprise he feels while meeting Charles’ eyes. He had realized after all. The minute that Charles had fallen to the sand, he’d realized things had irreversibly changed.

But grief still sweeps through him and that is too much. His grief belongs to his mother, to his father, not a- not for a friendship that he’s only had for two months.

With what remains of his willpower Erik allows Moira to come forward and slowly, gently, eases Charles into her hold, trying to ignore the winces and pained sounds that escapes his friend at being moved.

He forges on, focusing on the others. Charles has said no, Charles is not on his side.

Charles is with the _enemy_.

For a second Erik wonders if the telepath’s decision is due to Moira and then stops himself from wondering. He thinks he knows the answer.

Raven wants to come with him, he sees it on her face, and though he knows this is only furthering the damage done by the bullet, he holds a hand out, happy to have her by his side. Perhaps her decision will be what it takes to make Charles change his mind and see the error of his ways. If Erik is not enough then maybe Raven is.

But again, no. Raven goes to Charles and Erik hears him tell her to _go with him_ and it is all he can do to stop his expression from giving everything he’s feeling inside away.

He leaves as quickly as possible after that, only glancing at Charles one last time and seeing his face twisted in pain as the other man looks up at Moira.

The unfamiliar weight of the helmet, so light when he’d first put it on, feels heavy now.

Funny that.

* * *

Azazel takes them to what must be an old hide out of Shaw’s and though it makes Erik grit his teeth he allows it because for the first time it occurs to him that he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. His briefcase, empty of anything important now that Shaw is dead, remained in Erik’s room at Charles’ mansion. Though he’d picked up a few other things in the past weeks- silly little things that he’d seen and liked, bought simply to have, nothing he needed- it wasn’t as if he could stroll back in and take them with him.

“Azazel should go back and bring Charles to a hospital.” Raven speaks after barely a moment of silence. Erik ignores the way her voice shakes.

“No.” His voice is sharp, brooking no argument.

Shock makes her eyes widen. “But he’s _hurt_ -”

“The bullet wasn’t deep.” He replies, which was true. The small bit of metal had come out easily enough anyway, though admittedly he had been distracted and not paying as close of attention as he maybe should have. “They can handle it.”

“I thought you were his friend.”

_“You are beautiful Raven, much more beautiful like this, but I still won’t sleep with you.”_

_Hurt had made her frown. “Why not?”_

_“Charles is my friend.” He’d said gently. “And you’re his sister. I find you attractive, yes, and I believe you should never hide who you are, but nothing will happen between us. Some lines I won’t cross.”_

“Enough.” He says, turning away from her. Raven is glaring and he knows she’s thinking of that night in his room too. Erik looks over to find Angel watching him closely. He sees the quick leaps of logic behind her eyes.

“I don’t relish the thought of going back to enemy territory myself.” Azazel says in his accented English and Erik tenses.

Enemies. Yes he supposed that’s what they were now.

“They’re not our enemies,” Raven sounds appalled. “They wouldn’t hurt us.”

“Speak for yourself,” Angel says coldly, her burnt wing fluttering weakly. “They’re not with us, so they’re against us. You’re a fool if you think they won’t try and stop us. Xavier will do whatever he can to help his precious humans.”

“You don’t even know him, he told me to come with you guys-”

“Enough.” Erik repeats and all eyes shoot to him again. Out of them all he’s liking Janos the best, because he is quiet, taking everything in and not giving Erik a headache or forcing him to stand in this discussion when all he wants right now is to be alone. “We’ll rest here. Gather our bearings, stock up on supplies.”

“And after that?” Azazel asks, sounding far more casual then he really feels. Erik doesn’t need to be a telepath to know that.

“We get to work.” He smiles sharply. It isn’t a happy expression.

Without another word he turns around, striding away to find a room. He knows who follows him and when eventually he picks a bedroom for himself- plain white walls, dark metal bedframe, white duvet with a navy throw at the end- he turns in the middle of it to face her. “What Raven?”

“You’re really going to leave him there?” She asks and suddenly she sounds young. Far younger than Charles ever had, even though there was only two years separating the adopted siblings.

“He made his choice.”

“You _shot_ him.”

“Moira shot him.” Erik’s words bite, escaping in a snarl. Raven steps back a bit in surprise and Erik pushes away his own guilt. “Get out, Raven.”

Displeasure settles in every line of her face, but she turns and goes. He heads to shower, hesitating before removing the helmet, and doesn’t see her for two days.

She comes back in the night when he’s seriously starting to think she’s changed her mind and gone back to Westchester.

When he comes out of the bathroom intending to go to sleep he finds her sitting on his bed hunched over, face in her hands. At the door opening and the sound of his footsteps she looks up with a glare.

“Where have you been?” He demands before she can say anything. For the past two days he’s been nothing but tightly coiled nerves. Thinking she’d left to go back home had made him have to try and plan for repercussions. He keeps expecting someone to come after them, to track them down.

More accurately he keeps expecting Charles to track them down.

Erik’s tried to make plans for next steps but apart from a vague outline he has nothing. He never really saw himself being the leader of the revolution he always craved. There was always someone else to react to or follow or disagree with. Another person to work off of. Erik knows how to plan, he’s meticulously tracked down Shaw for years, but this is… He knows what he wants the end result to be, but it’s the way to get there that is the problem. The process of toppling smaller institutions one by one and working their way up. Of spearheading a movement.

Charles was always better at that.

“Erik.”

Raven doesn’t sound angry or scared and she cuts him off without a second thought, making him falter and fall quiet.

No, Raven sounds horrified.

“What? What is it?”

“It’s Charles.” Her voice is choked, wrong, on the verge of tears. She’s no longer glaring but he feels the weight of her judgement, her blame.

Ice fills him. “What?”

“He’s paralyzed.” Her mouth works. “That bullet on the beach. It paralyzed him from the waist down.”

When he staggers it’s only the barest bit of his mind that throws out a hand to catch himself on the edge of his chest of drawers.

Paralyzed. Charles.

He can’t imagine it.

“ _Nein_.” He says or tries to say. It comes out more of a disbelieving breath and it’s instinctive, a denial of the mere idea that what she has just said is true.

Absurdly he feels like his entire perception of the world has shifted in some crucial way.

He had known the bullet had done something irreversible. He just hadn’t known it had been physical on top of everything else.

It’s selfish, but in the seconds after her words register the first thing he thinks is that this is really it. Charles will really never forgive him now. There’s no way back, even if he’d been willing to consider going home to him and trying for peace between them.

“I’ve been at the hospital for two days. I saw him come out of surgery.” She looks away. “I posed as a nurse, read his file. He’s never going to walk again.”

“What hospital?” He demands, plans to visit already forming. He would like to do it without force but that will depend on who meets him there. “Who was with him?”

“Moira. And Hank. The others came and went but they were the ones there most often.”

“Moira? After what she did?”

“What you did.” Raven cuts back and then seems to catch her tongue but it’s too late, the words are out there now floating in the air around him. She stares at him, defiant, but after a brief moment where he looks at her in shock, he turns his gaze away, lost in thought.

It’s a long time before he straightens. “Did you speak to him?”

She pauses too. “No. I don’t think he’s too happy with any of us at the moment.”

 _Especially you_. She doesn’t say it but he knows that’s what she thinks. It’s what he thinks.

God. What had he done?

“When will he be home?”

She shrugs. “Soon I guess. Not much else they can do for him now that Hank can’t.”

He flinches and turns away to hide it. “And apart from that?”

Her voice is bitterly sarcastic. “Apart from the paralyses? Oh, I’m sure he’s completely fine.”

He wants to go to the hospital but he knows that Moira won’t let him in there. He could force his way, he thinks, but Charles likes Moira. He wouldn’t want her hurt.

Besides he’s probably being watched by the CIA or another higher up in American government. Erik doesn’t need to catch their attention for himself.

Even Hank could be an obstacle if he chose to be. Erik has no idea what the young man would do if he showed up and asked to see Charles and the memory of Hank’s hand around his throat is still a fresh one.

It’s not as if Charles would want Erik there. He might let in Moira, a human who had no control on that beach, but not Erik. Erik who could have stopped the bullet. Erik who had aimed it at Charles in the first place.

No, he suspects he’s the last person in the world Charles wants to see.

“Will you go see him again?” His voice is hoarser than before, not a croak but getting close to it. He stays turned away from Raven.

“Maybe.” She says after a long time and he knows it means no.

Something heavy settles in him. Charles will have neither of them for his recovery. Nobody but Moira and Hank and the boys. He’ll be alone, without the two people he cared about most in the world.

Raven must leave at some point, but Erik doesn’t notice. It is only a long time later that he blinks and realizes that he’s moved to sit on the side of his bed, head held in his hands.

The next day they break Emma out of her prison at the CIA.


	2. Chapter 2

_“Left a bit of a gap in my life, if I’m being honest. I was rather hoping you would fill it.”_

Emma Frost had not been able to fill it.

Erik didn’t know what was wrong with him.

The others had convinced him to break her out and ask for her help, and it was only because of how lost he was, and unsure of what their next move should be, that he did. Emma would have known Shaw’s plans, or at least enough of them for their group to carry out a few. Emma will know about any bank accounts they can pull from, other safe houses, allies and more.

But first Erik needs to convince her. And when he answers her question about where Charles is, he finds himself saying too much, voicing feelings that he would usually hide.

He hadn’t wanted her to join them, hadn’t wanted another telepath around to shield his thoughts from and fear. But Azazel and Janos had insisted during those first couple of days they’d spent recuperating, and even Erik knew they had to act eventually. Had to do something and take a stand. They couldn’t just hide away forever.

But Emma Frost wasn’t Charles. The hole is not filled and his helmet stays on at all times.

If he wasn’t able to trust Charles enough to stay out of his thoughts, then he certainly didn’t trust her.

He doesn’t dislike her, exactly. Emma is blunt and to the point, two things he appreciates. She works for her own best interests and nobody else’s which makes her easy to predict and keep happy. The two of them actually get along rather well.

But she also seems to like sex.

“No.” Erik pushes her off as he comes out of the shower, and brushes past quickly to grab a pair of track sweats Azazel had found for him.

It’s not the first time she’s made a move but it is the first time he’s genuinely annoyed about it.

“Aw, come on.” She bats her eyes and he looks away. “You got a girl waiting for you somewhere?”

He scoffs and turns away, trying not to let his thoughts jump to the obvious answer. She’s caught him without his helmet and he grits his teeth, regretting not putting that on first instead.

“Oh.” Her voice is different now, less simpering and more real. Pitying. “Tough luck, sugar, I don’t see that happening at any point in the future.”

Emma was supposed to be less powerful than Charles- which Erik believed- but she was still more skilled than any other telepath he’d heard of. There was a reason Shaw had kept her around and it wasn’t love. She was more than capable of picking out stray thoughts without being noticed.

Viciously he strides over to where his helmet sits and yanks it up on his head, cutting her off. Hiding the lingering memory of Charles’ face from her.

“Get out.” His anger makes his voice tremble and when his eyes flick up he sees her face whiten a shade, her throat work as she gulps before wiping her face carefully blank and turning to leave with one last parting shot.

“Pity. Maybe Raven will be down for something.”

He doesn’t hate Emma, doesn’t really mind her even. She’s smart and rivals Raven for usefulness. And he can understand using sex as a weapon or a distraction; it’s not his preferred method but he can’t argue that it isn’t effective. Maybe three months ago she would have been able to tempt him.

Then again, three months ago his walls had been up so high that nobody was able to break through and really get to know him until Charles. Maybe Emma stood a better chance now that one person had already managed to blast Erik’s old defenses to smithereens.

That train of thought sets him down a long and lonely one and soon he’s feeling nostalgic and melancholy enough that he wishes he had some of the scotch Charles had kept in his office at all times. He needs to do something, the niggling of his thoughts are making him restless and antsy, but the thought of taking Emma up on her offer makes him feel slightly sick.

That night he picks up the phone, dialling the rotary from memory. Even as he does, he’s cursing himself, knowing it’s a stupid idea.

It doesn’t stop him.

The plastic receiver turns sweaty in his hand as he listens to the ringing.

It’s a simple thing to make sure the line is a secure. Barely a thought and Erik has the phone lines protected from anybody who might try and listen in, not that he thinks there could be anyone right now. Nobody had known he would call, not even himself. It goes against every survival instinct he has.

Before he can distract himself further the ringing stops and the phone on the other end of the line picked up.

“Charles Xavier speaking.”

Erik’s fingers tighten around the phone. “Charles.”

The sudden intake of air is audible even to Erik through the phone. “Erik?”

Erik’s lips twitch. Charles sounds the same as ever, relaxed and cheerful, as if the events on the beach hadn’t happened mere weeks ago. “It’s me, old friend.”

It’s the wrong thing to say.

“You-” Charles voice shakes angrily before he cuts himself off and starts again. He sounds as if he’s holding his emotions back by a thin wall as he grits the flat question out. “What do you want?”

Erik knows why he’s calling. Because he feels lonelier than he has in months. Because he’s angry and Charles had always been good at distracting him from that.

Because he misses him.

“To see how you are.” His voice is controlled, nearly emotionless, and he prides himself on that before realizing how it must seem to Charles seconds later.

“See how I am?” Charles parrots back in disbelief. “ _Now_ you care about my wellbeing?”

“Charles-”

“I don’t know whether or not you have your minions keeping tabs, or whether you care at all, but I’m doing quite well, thank you.” He pauses for barely a moment before adding, somewhat childishly, “the school is beginning to take off.”

Erik knows the lie when he hears it.

“Raven visited you in the hospital.” He says, turning in the armchair. She wouldn’t appreciate him ratting her out this way, but Erik couldn’t care less at the moment. “She told me.”

Charles is quiet for so long Erik is afraid that he’s gone away and left the phone off it’s hook accidently. “Charles?”

“If she told you then why are you asking?” His voice wavers.

“Because I want- I’d like to know if you’re alright.”

“Why? Because you care?”

Erik swallows, unwilling to face the fear he’s feeling at his own question. Fear of what Charles’ answer will be. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Oh friends, is it? Last I checked friends don’t leave each other paralyzed on a beach.”

“I didn’t know.” The words escape him like they’d been punched out, and he feels like it’s true. Something inside of him hurts, twisting viciously and without mercy. He can’t tell if it’s guilt, regret or something more dangerous. “I swear.”

“You pulled the bullet out.” He sounds nothing short of accusing and Erik’s heart pounds. “You aimed it towards me. You know better than anybody how fast it was going and how deep it went.”

“If Moira hadn’t shot at me-”

“Don’t.” Suddenly Charles sounds tired. “She knew full well your power over metal. You truly think she was trying to kill you? That she was that stupid?”

Erik’s silence is answer enough.

“Always so eager to believe the worst of everybody.”

“It’s hard not to. When you’ve been through what I have.”

“You’ve been through more than most.” Charles agrees. “But I always hoped you would overcome it. Not succumb.”

“I haven’t-”

“You’re turning into the man you hated so much.” Erik closes his eyes. “And you expect me to sit and watch it happen without a fight.”

“Not much else you can do.”

“Not anymore. You left me bleeding out on a beach, Erik. Even if you couldn’t know about the paralyses, you knew that much.” Charles sighs. “Don’t call here again.”

“Charles-”

But he’s already hanging up. Erik’s grip doesn’t loosen and he stays still, ears ringing with the dial tone, lost in his own thoughts until eventually his arm starts to ache and he slowly replaces the receiver.

He tells himself the feeling in his chest won’t be permanent.

* * *

They see each other one more time before he ends up imprisoned after the assassination of the president.

It is late at night and Erik has made it through every single one of Charles’ security measures around the school to come see him. His calls have gone unanswered all these months, every message he sends to Charles through their teams whenever they clash is ignored. He has not seen Charles since Cuba, and though it’s been less than a year, it feels far too long.

Erik is more hardened than ever, but he has a weakness when it comes to Charles that he can’t move past. Raven has given up on her old life after everything she and Erik have seen together with the Brotherhood, all of the mutant camps and experimentation, but her patience is growing thin with Erik too. She’s close to abandoning him for many reasons, but the chief one being his behaviour when anybody brings up Charles Xavier and the idea of fighting him and his X-Men.

He cannot stop himself now. The mansion is not that far out of his way, really, and the pull to go is irresistible.

And besides. He had been asked this time.

There is a brief window of time before he is headed to Dallas to try and meet with President Kennedy. The man ruling their country is a mutant and he might not even know it. Erik is looking to fix that. But when Charles calls he cannot pretend to either of them that he will not come running.

He just hopes he can handle what he is running to.

* * *

Charles is trying to pretend he is doing more than just sitting in the middle of his bedroom staring at the window, waiting for Erik to appear.

He had said he would come. Earlier on the phone when Charles had said “ _If you come tonight I’ll speak to you_ ” Erik had answered with “ _I’ll come_.”

He hadn’t come yet. It was minutes away from midnight and Charles doesn’t know if he should have expected for Erik to be so dramatic and show up in the middle of the night, or if he’s been foolish in thinking Erik would appear at all.

That had been all they’d said to one another but just hearing his voice on the phone had been enough to pull Charles out of his thoughts for a moment. Lately he could feel himself slipping into a darkness that he’d been trying so hard to crawl away from. Depression lingered at the edges of his mind and he found he was falling in and out of it intermittently.

Hank tried to help, Raven hadn’t been seen since Cuba, and Moira didn’t remember any of them. She’d tried to get in touch, to ask what had happened and why Charles had wiped her memories but he’d always made sure to play dumb, trivializing their experience. Eventually she’d lost interest and stopped asking, moving on to better and brighter things. Hopefully a promotion lay in her future.

She’d asked about their kiss and he’d said it was a simple kiss goodbye, nothing more. The only one they’d shared. He hadn’t lied.

Alex and Sean did their best, but they were so young with their own lives to live first that he couldn’t tie them down this way, at least for a few years until they experienced a little first. More than that, it seemed the Vietnam War was getting worse, not better, and they were both more interested in serving their country that way than living holed up with a crippled professor and heartbroken scientist.

Charles couldn’t blame them really. He had hardly been able to handle much responsibility in his youth. But sometimes he forgot that.

He’s hoping that seeing Erik will help. This had all seemed to start the day Erik left, so maybe if he could come back, if they could just work it all out, maybe things would get better. He was ready to talk now, ready to deal with everything that he had pushed to the side for so long. Or at least most of it. The rest… well if tonight went well maybe they would have time for the rest.

He needed help, he could see that. And he knew that nobody would be able to reach him like Erik could.

The light from the moon was cut off as a figure hovered outside his window and Charles’ attention was caught. He made no move to roll his wheelchair forward and open the latch, but he didn’t need to. It slid free of itself as he watched, and with one outstretched hand Erik pushed the glass pane out to open it.

No barriers between them. Only half a rooms width of clear air to separate them as they looked at each other for the first time since Cuba.

He was wearing the stupid cape that Charles had seen in every news clip and photograph of Erik since the day they’d killed Shaw. And that helmet. He looked… haggard, might be the wrong word. A mixture of tired and on guard was likely more accurate.

Already, against his will, Charles was disappointed. He had hoped, ridiculously, that just seeing Erik would be enough to make the feeling of betrayal disappear. Like a movie, he thought if he could just see him again then he would understand how Erik could have done the things he had and all of his anger would melt away before they sat down to play a game of chess like nothing had happened.

Instead it felt as if he couldn’t move in his chair, couldn’t even twitch a finger as he stared at the costumed Magneto that had suddenly appeared back in his life after months of nothing. The person in front of him wasn’t his old friend. He was someone Charles was scared to recognize. The disappointment swept through him, sharp and tangible.

If anything, the sight of Erik made Charles angrier than ever. But he scrambled for a silver lining and the best he could come up with was that at least he was feeling something except despair.

Erik seemed just as frozen. The window was still hovering open, held by nothing except his powers, as they stared at each other. Charles saw his throat work, saw something painful flash through those eyes, and suddenly he regretted asking Erik to come more than he regretted anything.

He didn’t want to be seen like this. Helpless and hopeless in a wheelchair. He would hate anyone thinking of him like that, he despised the pity from others, but it would be worse coming from Erik. Though the expression on the other man’s face is gone in an instant, he saw it. Though it didn’t really look like pity, not at all actually, Charles isn’t able to recognize that right now.

It’s Erik who speaks first. “Can I come in?”

That voice, dammit. Charles had thought it had been bad through the phone. This was infinitely worse.

Looking away takes all of the willpower he has, and even then he only manages to look down for a second. “You’d better. If any of the boys see you out there you won’t be able to get out of here without a fight.”

Erik’s face contorted into something unhappy. A gust of wind blew his cape gently against his legs. “They don’t know I’m here.”

“No.”

Again that flicker of something in his expression before it’s carefully hidden. “Is that for their safety or mine?”

“Neither.” Charles sighed and rolled over to the readily available liquor on a shelf in his room. “For my own sanity.”

Even though he’s not watching him he can sense Erik’s hesitation. Finally though there is the soft sound of his feet landing on Charles’ carpet.

“How’s Raven?”

He doesn’t look surprised by the question. “Good. She… misses you.”

Charles doesn’t mean to, but his vice is strangely flat when he answers. Disbelieving. “Really.”

Erik’s mouth works as if he’s debating saying something. He must decide against it because he only nods.

Charles looks away, not knowing what else he can say. What is there to say, when an adopted sister who supposedly cares about you has made no effort to show it, even at Charles’ lowest point?

“I’m glad she’s well.”

The topic is left alone, stagnant, as Charles pours his drink and takes a sip. It is Erik who braves the tense silence that falls between them.

“You told me not to call again.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Charles sounds bitter and is even more frustrated because of it. He can’t make it disappear as he continues. “Pity I can’t keep to my own rules then.”

Erik frowns and glances over, and Charles wonders what he’s thinking. Wonders if he knows how pathetic Charles is.

For some reason he can’t stay away from Erik. Can’t keep himself away. It scared him, months ago, but now…

He doesn’t know how he feels now. Helpless, he supposes. For the first time in many years he feels like a victim, lost and wrongfooted, with nothing to gain and nothing else to lose, but still in danger anyway.

“If you asked me here just to fight…”

“I didn’t.” Charles cuts him and now he does sound tired. In that instant all the rage and hurt and betrayal he feels melts away, if only momentarily. “I didn’t.” He repeats.

“Then why? You obviously don’t want me here.”

“I-” He bites his tongue, stopping the flood of words. _I want you to help me. I need you to help me. I missed you and I hurt, every day, always, and that only started the day you and Raven left me. I need you to fix me because I don’t think anyone else understands me enough to do it. Please do it without damaging me more._

_I want you to come home._

He cuts off that train of thought as soon as it begins. Not that. Not tonight, and never in front of Erik. He is not so helpless yet as to give in that far and show that weakness.

“I’m… unsettled.” He says slowly, carefully measuring out his words in a way he’s unused to doing. Erik’s expression doesn’t change. “I want- closure, I guess. thought if we talked maybe- it could help me.”

“Unsettled.” Erik’s head tilts ever so slightly, barely noticeable, especially in the darkness. “You’re changing your mind?”

Charles hears the thin trace of hope in the words even though he’s sure Erik tries to hide it.

“ _No_.” He says vehemently, needing to crush any ideas Erik might have of that. “Never.”

Their eyes meet and Erik turns away.

“I don’t know what you want to discuss then. I certainly haven’t changed mine.”

Again that disappointment reappears. “I want-” He stops, swallows the admission thickly before changing his mind. “I would like to try and settle our differences through talking instead of violence.”

Erik’s laugh is jagged and likely comes out before he can stop it. Usually his friend is so well-restrained. “Gott, you never change.”

“It hasn’t been that long.” He snaps back before he can stop himself.

Erik stops laughing suddenly. “No. But somehow it’s felt like an age.”

The admission soothes Charles slightly. At least Erik is giving him something, some vulnerability. “Yes.”

For a brief moment understanding flows between them, just like it used to, and Charles feels that old hope flicker back to life. He tries to take advantage of it.

“I don’t want to fight with you Charles.”

“Then let’s talk about this.” He pleads. “Can’t we reach some kind of middle ground? A common cause, a compromise?”

Erik hesitates.

“Violence isn’t the way.” Charles pushes. “It never is. There doesn’t have to be a war.”

Erik is shaking his head before he even finishes speaking. “You’re wrong. How can you still believe that, after everything, after Cuba-”

He cuts off but the memory sits heavily between them. “Cuba.” Charles repeats softly. “Yes. The humans made bad decisions at Cuba.”

Erik nods and opens his mouth.

“But then again, we all did things we regret on that beach.” Charles meets Erik’s stare. “Or at least I hope we all regret them.”

“You- how can you even ask me that-”

“I would apologize but it’s a little hard to know what you’re thinking these days.”

Erik’s mouth snaps shut and his lips thin as he thinks of what to say. Charles sees his throat work. “I never wanted that. You know that I would take it back if I could.”

For a moment Charles allows himself to be cruel and not answer. But only for a moment. Within seconds his conscience has screamed at him to speak up again.

He still looks away. “You’re right.”

“For what it’s worth, I am so-”

“Don’t.” He forces a pained smile but he still can’t bring himself to meet Erik’s stare. “Please. I’d rather not. At least not now.”

“Fine.” There’s a short pause. “If it makes you feel better… I have learned. The consequences violence has, that my emotions have. If anything could have made that point it was Cuba.”

Charles frowns, unable to make Erik’s words match his latest actions. “But you’re still attacking those places-”

Erik shrugs and pretends to examine some books on the shelf though Charles knows it’s just a distraction. “Sometimes we don’t have a choice.”

“And against my team? Don’t you have a choice then?”

“Our ideologies put us on opposite sides of this war, Charles. If you and your team are so determined to defend the humans, then violence is our only option.”

“How can you say that?” Charles asks back, stricken. “You know these boys, ate with them and trained with them, fought with them-”

“Fought against them.” Erik turns back to him suddenly. “Just because you’re too fragile to go out on the front lines doesn’t mean they are. They’re not holding back, so why should we? We all know you’re protecting the humans even if it means hurting other mutants to do it.”

Yes, Charles knew. The boys had come back from those missions defeated and angry, and on more than one occasion the injuries inflicted by Erik’s team had still been bleeding.

It was one reason Charles was hiding how he felt about Sean and Alex going to Vietnam. Surely the danger they would face there would be better than what they dealt with against Erik and his Brotherhood.

Still. _Fragile_. The word hurt.

He knew that disability did not equal incompetence. Charles had met many disabled people and seen their strength, both from watching them make it through life with barely a misstep and from being able to read their minds. His paralyses didn’t make him weak. Not unless he allowed it to.

The problem now was that he was allowing it to. It was too much, having to adjust to this new way of living and this new weight he carried with him alone while being smothered by everyone else’s pain. Before he was able to deal with the agony of others because he could ignore his own. But this… everything from Cuba…he couldn’t ignore this.

“I’m protecting innocent people from your-”

“-what?” Erik stepped towards him, suddenly imposing and angry. “My what?”

“Your rage.” Charles finished softly, staring up at him, watching as the anger fell away just as quickly as it had come, to be replaced by shock. “I’m protecting them from your rage, Erik.”

The point between rage and serenity. Erik’s rage used to come from needing vengeance for his mother. Now? Charles didn’t know where it was from now, not for sure anyway, though he could guess.

He watched Erik swallow. “That rage died with Shaw.”

“I know. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about this new hatred and anger that you have.”

Erik’s hands flew up to the helmet on his head in panic before he could stop himself. “Get out of my mind.”

Charles’ laugh was broken for a lot of reasons, but when he spoke he just felt exhausted. “I’m not in it.”

His old friend looked unsure. “You don’t know what I feel.”

“No? I’ve been in your head before, remember? Even if I’m not in it anymore, that doesn’t erase the fact that I know you, _old friend_.” The endearment makes Erik flinch. “And I know how dangerous your new motivation is, because that hatred isn’t just for the humans you despise so much.”

“Isn’t it?” He sounds challenging now, as if daring Charles to continue, but the telepath doesn’t stop. He meets Erik’s stare head on and continues.

“No. Your hatred is aimed towards yourself, too. You hate yourself for what happened at Cuba.”

“I was proved right at Cuba.” Erik snapped back. “I won.”

The disappointment he feels sinks in his stomach heavy as a stone through water. Their months apart had done nothing to change Erik’s mind. “No, Erik, you didn’t.”

The other man seems to realize the familiar stalemate they’re at too and Charles visibly sees him bite his tongue. The sight sends a pang through him because months ago in this very mansion they used to have the exact same debate. Only when it ended in disagreement there wouldn’t be this endless frustration with one another, only affectionate disbelief, a condescending feeling of patience that eventually the other man would come to the inevitable conclusion that he was wrong and the other was right. It had always ended in much more pleasurable ways than this.

So far neither of them had been willing to admit defeat and now instead of it being a mere debate it was real. Peoples lives were involved, they were getting hurt, and part of Charles felt like it was all happening simply because he’d said a few wrong words on that thrice-damned beach.

To try and bring the conversation back on track Charles tried to rein in his emotions and let some of his concern bleed through. “The CIA are looking for you.”

“Yes, I know.” Erik’s smile is sharp, wicked and smug. Charles hates it. “They haven’t had much luck.”

“Well it would be hard since they have no idea who they’re looking for beyond the codenames of Magneto and his Brotherhood. Not to mention you have a new telepath to clean up your tracks.”

And that- that is too far, too much revealed. Charles does not want Erik to know what he felt when he learned that they’d freed Emma from prison and recruited her. He doesn’t want to let Erik see how much the thought of being so easily replaced pains him.

Erik’s hands clench and the pens on Charles’ bedside table twitch slightly before he relaxes and things settle back to normal.

“About that,” he begins and Charles’ hopes leap high. “The CIA having no idea who we are.”

His hopes plummet. It takes a second for Erik’s tone to sink in and his mind to make sense of it before he looks back up to meet the questioning stare. “What?”

“You erased Moira’s memory.”

Charles’ laugh is bitter. “Shocked you, have I? Let me guess, you thought I was too naïve to do it.”

“No.” Erik’s reply is soft. “I just thought you liked her too much.”

Charles looks over in surprise, catching the open expression, the question there. Once again he felt annoyance spark at the metal helmet on his head, unable to know what thoughts lay behind that searching gaze and curiosity.

In a moment Erik’s face hardens. “Or does it not matter who it is, you feel free to tinker with their mind no matter what?”

The annoyance Charles feels sharpens to anger, stabbing inside of him, eager to be released. He tampers it, but barely. “I had hoped you knew me better than that.”

“I’m not the telepath between us.”

“No, you’re not.” He looks away again, too cowardly to see Erik’s face when he can’t stop himself from continuing to speak. “But I thought we trusted each other once. I thought you were a friend.”

The words are heavy and silence falls loudly between them. Charles doesn’t let it linger long.

“I did like Moira. Very much. But I will go to great lengths to protect these children, Erik.”

He looks up again, daring Erik to challenge that. To say something like _not when it counts_ , or _not enough,_ or _then why don’t you join me?_

He wants it made clear that he did not erase Moira’s memories for Erik. It had nothing to do with him. Erik- he needs to know that.

It’s excruciating to be on opposite sides of this. Because to a certain degree Charles does agree with Erik, and further than that, he can see where Erik is coming from and understand why he believes the things he does. To do otherwise after being in his mind and seeing his memories would be impossible.

Even if Charles didn’t have that innate knowledge of who Erik was and what had shaped him, he would still be cautious of humans. History had not taught him nothing. People were dangerous when they were afraid and craved power. He had been on the beach, hadn’t he? He knew they’d fired the missiles even when Shaw was dead and the threat was gone.

Though of course Erik had turned out to be the biggest threat of them all.

And that’s why Charles can’t give in now. Because he sees why the humans are afraid of them, the damage they can do without even meaning to. It’s personal now in a way it wasn’t before, even though he’d been discriminated against too. Erik had hurt him and scared him and if he could do that to Charles then of course the humans wouldn’t be any different.

It’s a surprise when instead of letting them both get swept up in their anger, Erik choose a different path and answers seriously. “I know she cared for you. In the hospital.”

The last sentence sounds tacked on and Charles wonders at Erik’s true meaning. He’s surprised they’re still talking about Moira at all.

“She did,” he says. “And I let her. But she’s safer far away from here.”

 _Away from you_.

Erik only stares at him as if waiting for more. When it doesn’t come he deigns to ask what’s on his mind. “So who’s left? To take care of you?”

The words make Charles flinch and he’s angry at himself for being surprised at them. He should expect Erik’s cruelty by now, shouldn’t he? He’d walked away with everything Charles loved, he might as well rub salt in the wound, right?

“Why do you care?” He bites out before he can help it. “You’ve made it clear that when it comes down to it you don’t care about my wellbeing, Erik.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh really?” He challenges. “How on earth am I supposed to know that?”

Their gazes meet, Charles desperately seeking an answer, knowing what he wants to happen and knowing that Erik will probably do the complete opposite because Charles is a naïve and hopeless fool. Still the challenge hangs there.

And he’s right. The helmet stays on. Erik’s mind stays closed to him.

“You’re a fool.” Erik says, echoing Charles’ own thoughts. “I won’t stay here to argue in circles with you, Charles. That’s not why I came.”

“Why did you then? Why have you kept calling after you made it clear you were leaving me alone?”

Erik’s eyes search him for something. “I wouldn’t have left you if I didn’t have to. It was better that way.”

“Was it? Is it? What part of this feels better to you?”

Erik flinches again but this time he turns away. “I’m leaving. I have things to do.”

“People to kill, I assume. More humans to hurt. Tell me Erik, what happens when one of the humans you kill has a mutant child that decides to hunt you down, just like you did with Shaw?”

Erik stops in front of the window and it’s a long time before he answers. “Then I expect you’ll be the first to thank them and dance on my grave.”

And Charles, already so desperate to feel something but sadness, clutches at the fury thrumming through him, powerful enough to make his tongue foolish and his heart mean. “I couldn’t dance even if I wanted to, remember?”

The air is fraught with so much hatred Charles feels sick from it. It’s like he can taste it, as if a weight is on his chest, slowly pressing down and making it hard to breathe. This was a mistake, this whole thing was a mistake, they can’t even stand to be in the same room as one another anymore never mind- never mind anything else he might have fantasized about. Peaceful talks, explanations, reconciliations.

That’s it then, he tries to tell himself. There’s no hope left.

But then Erik is turning suddenly, expression fierce, and for a moment Charles is scared he’s going to hurt him, that he’s gone too far, right before Erik is striding forward, gripping the armrests of the wheelchair in his hands, bending down and kissing Charles roughly.

The sound that escapes him is wounded and desperate, and his hands come up to cling at the other man’s shoulders and neck to pull him closer instead of away. Their lips are frantic against each other, seeking, and Erik makes a noise that tugs at Charles’ heart so hard it feels as though he’s ripped it.

But as soon as they start the helmet gets in the way. The edge nudges Charles’ nose and when his hands move again to try and take it off Erik freezes and pulls away as quickly as he’d come.

They’re both panting and breathless, staring at each other in a mixture of horror and something far worse and deeper.

This time it is Charles who speaks first, getting himself under control again faster than the other man is able. “I don’t hate you. I know you think I do, but you’re wrong.”

Erik swallows again and twitches the fingers of one hand at his side. The helmet shifts back in place from where it was slightly skewed. “It would be easier if you did. For us both.”

His reply is pained. “Yes.”

“Charles-”

“I don’t want you to end up like Shaw, Erik.” He spoke desperately over him, so quickly he barely registered that Erik had tried to speak until it was too late. “And I will fight against letting that happen. My X-Men and I, we’ll fight to stop you.”

“For my sake or the humans?”

“You know.” Charles replied softly. “You know why.”

Erik closes his eyes and breathes out deeply. Minutes pass before he speaks again.

“I’ll come back. When we’re both… readier to deal with everything. I’ll come back and we can talk again.”

“I would like that.” Charles said and it’s the truth. Maybe this will help him prepare for that, help give him an idea of what to expect and how to handle it. “But Erik, you have to know… I’m not changing my mind. Not where it matters to you.”

Erik nodded once, shortly, face a grimace of pain and anger again as he turned away. For the last time he stopped in front of the window.

“I have missed you, you know.”

The words are wrenched from him, an aching truth that Charles know is hard for him to give up. A weakness he only trusts with Charles.

That’s why he is burdened with regret when he answers, throwing that trust back in Erik’s face. “I almost believe you.”

His reply is one last shaky breath and then the other man is leaving, climbing out the window and out of Charles’ sight.

He presumes he floats down onto the grounds and walks away. Or maybe he lifts himself all the way past the property, never looking back at the mansion or the lawn or the security walls. Maybe Azazel is out there somewhere, waiting to transport them both safely away.

Charles’ chest aches from not knowing the answer.

* * *

The next week he sees the footage on the news of Erik Lehnsherr being arrested for assassinating the President of the United States.

He shuts off the TV and wonders when he became stupid enough to believe he could trust Erik again. Why he had allowed his naiveté to convince him that Erik had limits, that there were boundaries he wouldn’t cross.

Erik has no limits; Charles should know that. He’s still angry about the Cuban Missile crisis and lashing out in his quest to blame everybody except himself. Even the most powerful man in the world isn’t exempt from that, not if he’s unfortunate enough to be born as a human.

Charles goes upstairs and gets into bed. He doesn’t get out for weeks.

* * *

Over a month later Hank appears in the doorway holding a syringe full of yellow liquid.

“It might not be much,” he speaks just as nervously and unsure of himself as ever. Whatever confidence he had gained around Raven was gone and the loss had left the young man more insecure now than before. “But I think it will make your legs work again.”

For the first time since November 22 Charles makes an effort to be present for the conversation. He is overwhelmed by the thoughts from other people that he is no longer filtering out. The entire world feels bleak and hopeless to him, and filtering his telepathy seems like too much effort. But seeing the suffering, feeling the pain, it is all too much.

Erik’s mind had briefly reappeared for him to feel and hold onto that day in Dallas. But there had barely been time for him to see what was happening, to experience the sharp, awful panic and fear that had filled his old friend and hear the one thought, the half question and half plea of _Charles?_ before Erik had fallen unconscious and been taken into custody.

His mind raced now, confronted with an anxious and blinking Hank in front of him, holding the needle. The decision was easy. “Do it.”

“Charles it might- it might mess with your telepathy. I’ll need to experiment to get the dosage right.”

That only strengthened his resolve. “Do it, Hank.”

It stung and Charles felt it, but at the first wriggle of his toes he smiled for the first time in weeks. When he searched for his telepathy all he found was an echoing empty space in his mind, hollow and free of the distress of other people.

Hank didn’t look happy when his fears were confirmed and he said something about a weaker dose next time but Charles didn’t care. For the first time since Cuba he felt like he’d escaped from the constant pain he’d been carrying around and he stood, relishing the feeling of his legs.

Knowing what Erik would say if he knew about the trade only made Charles happier. At least for the first few weeks.

After that… well. Things fell apart, but by then the only one around left to see it was Hank. And Charles couldn’t find it in himself to care.


	3. Chapter 3

If seeing Erik again before was hard this is- this is so, so much worse.

10 years of anger and hurt feelings have culminated into this. A decade of being alone without his best friend and his sister has left Charles this horrible broken shell of a man.

And Erik, smiling in happy surprise when they break him out of the Pentagon, seems completely fine.

It’s as if Charles has been the one imprisoned all this time. Unable to move on with his life while stuck in a stasis of misery. Knowing how he’s suffered all these years and then being met with Erik who seems untouched and uncaring, hurts more than he’s willing to admit to anyone, even himself.

Logan has walked into his life and inspired the first stirrings of motivation and drive that Charles has felt in years. Now that Logan has told him and Hank what is to become of them all, what their fighting and emotions have done to the rest of the world… Charles feels that old sense of moral obligation that he’d tried so desperately to ignore all this time. He thinks of Raven, alone and angry, hurting like Charles is, and he feels desolate.

He tries not to think of Erik at all.

Logan tells him about Raven and it gets him invested, even if he doesn’t entirely want to be. But Logan tells him about Erik and… He shuts down. Because he’s spent 10 years walking away from any hint of Erik Lehnsherr and that’s a hard habit to break. Anger is so much easier to feel when you don’t give yourself a chance to be talked out of it.

(Part of him knows the reason he keeps his telepathy away through the drugs is because his willpower is not strong enough to resist looking for Raven or Erik. Not for 10 years. If he still had his powers he would have broken and reached out to them long ago and undoubtedly made things worse.)

Still. Hearing Logan say those things, having him know how Charles’ powers developed and that he spent three years thinking he was insane before he realized what it was he was hearing in his head, it’s enough proof. Because Charles has never told anybody that, not Hank, not Raven. Not even Erik.

There’s no way Logan could know that unless he was telling the truth. Hank might still be skeptical but Charles knows in that second that everything had suddenly become terrifyingly real.

“ _The professor I know would never turn his back on someone who lost their path. Especially someone he loved_.”

He really does have to give Logan credit, he thinks as they’re making their way through the Pentagon. Though he’d tried to harden himself and escape from the past, the man’s emotional blackmail hit him with a precision and accuracy that hurt. Even as the words landed, the Canadian was good at keeping things ambiguous, leaving Charles to wonder just how much the man knew. What were he and Erik like in the future? It was a future where they were working together once more, sending a mutant back in time to fix history, so what did that mean for their relationship? How tempted were they, he wonders to himself, to send Logan back just a little further, back to that day in Cuba?

That fucking day in Cuba. Where it all started just as it all fell to pieces.

Maybe neither of them felt curious to go back and change it at all, not if they had resolved everything and were working together once more. They’d likely moved past all of that and didn’t feel the need to go back and change their history.

The worst thing is that Charles wants to know. He’s desperate to know how he and Erik are in Logan’s time. A small part of him wonders if maybe they’ve done more than set aside their differences, whether they had managed to make it back to what they had been before.

He shook his head. If he had his powers he might have been able to find out, but there was no way he was doing that. He had agreed to this insane venture to save Raven, because despite what anybody told him she was still too young to see what her actions meant and what they would do.

And he had missed her all these years. A decade was a long time to spend without someone who had been by his side for most of his life. Maybe she was mad at him for not reaching out and trying but- well, he was mad too. It was obvious he had screwed up, he could admit that, but he wasn’t the only one to blame. It was hard having it be him against Erik and Raven, alone on the opposite side of the two people he cared most about.

He had Hank, of course, and Hank was lovely. But Hank wasn’t part of the strange triangle the three of them had formed, where it seemed it was always two of them against the third.

It wasn’t fun, being the third.

But he ignored the thought, pushing it away for good this time. Or at least for a while. They had bigger problems.

Absently he wonders why the Brotherhood hadn’t broken Erik out yet. Where was Raven if she wasn’t trying to get Erik free? How was it that it had fallen to Charles and Hank to do this?

Logan didn’t know how Erik had gotten out in his timeline. “Didn’t ask,” he’d grunted when Hank had saved Charles the indignity of inquiring himself. “Don’t care. Magneto and I aren’t exactly friends.”

Charles had laughed humourlessly at the words and his opinion of Logan had improved. It was lucky there wasn’t another telepath around to see how his hopes sunk at the same time, because Logan’s statement meant... well. Erik obviously hadn’t changed that much, not if Logan sounded like he would rather be doing anything other than help the man by breaking him out of prison.

But here they were anyway, Logan fighting the men in the kitchen while Charles was helpless to do anything but stand and watch, hoping he wouldn’t be caught in the crossfire.

Hank had tried to convince him to skip the drugs today and use his telepathy, or at least lower the dose, but Charles had staunchly refused. A man in a wheelchair would draw attention was his excuse, and it would make it harder to move quickly. Hank had been kind enough to not put out the obvious, that with his powers Charles would have been able to manipulate others from being able to see any of them at all, giving them all the time in the world.

It didn’t matter. They would be fine. Logan had brought them to Peter Maximoff who would do this without a hitch. Technically they wouldn’t need Charles at all, and his presence was entirely useless, but being left behind would have been worse than refusing in the first place. He refused to sit this out, and luckily the others hadn’t seemed to even consider it.

Convincing himself his presence had nothing to do with Erik and instead was just to help the mission was harder. Eventually he stopped trying.

It would be fine, he told himself while turning from Logan towards the elevator doors, right before they dinged open and he was met with the sight of Erik staring back at him.

It was not fine.

“Charles?”

Erik’s surprise doesn’t even register through the sudden surge of anger Charles feels as he throws his punch. It’s satisfaction that floods him when he looks down at Erik on the ground while he paces and shakes out his hand. Satisfaction and something far deeper as Erik touches his lower lip and looks up with no anger, just calm.

“Good to see you too, old friend.” He says and Charles wants to scream at how unphased he seems. It’s as if this is an amusing and pleasant surprise rather than a painful heartbreak. Maybe to Erik it is. “And walking.”

It’s not a question but he knows Erik well enough to be certain he’s confused. Confused and hopeful, because if Charles is walking… He can see the leaps in Erik’s eyes as his thoughts move so quickly they stumble over one another. What does Erik think, that if the physical damage from the bullet can heal the emotional damage can too?

Well. He’s eager to disillusion him.

“No thanks to you.”

Erik rose slowly and Charles watched every move, trying to prepare himself for whatever would come next. Another punch, thrown his way this time? It wouldn’t be the first time Erik had fought back against him. Or would it be more words, aimed to hurt.

“You’re the last person in the world I expected to see today.”

What does it say about Charles that Erik’s words sting, just a bit? Despite the fact that he’s been raging about this since Logan told them what they needed to do and despite him feeling like he’s going against every moral and bit of logic he has, he doesn’t like Erik saying it so easily in front of everybody else.

He knows what their relationship has come to. He’s the first to turn away from any hint of Erik, or Magneto, or whatever he wants to call himself. Maybe it’s just the loss of who they used to be that stings, because there was one time it _would_ have been Charles leading Erik’s rescue attempt willingly and without hesitation, and the two of them know it. He doesn’t know why the sentiment upsets him. He only knows that it does.

And Erik looks happier than he has any right to as Charles insults him and makes his vitriol clear. He needs to get the upper hand back, because somehow without doing a thing, Erik has taken it without any struggle, and Charles can’t- he can’t be put back in this position. The role of watching and waiting for Erik, basing his own actions off of what the other man does. No, this time Charles wants the power, he needs it to feel secure. But even when he tries to make that clear Erik still seems perfectly in control.

“No helmet,” he gestures to his head. More than ever Charles hates how casual and amused he sounds about this when before the helmet had been such an important obstacle between them. Maybe that just proved it hadn’t been the helmet that was the problem. “I couldn’t disobey you even if I wanted.”

Charles wants to hit him again, if only to make Erik feel as hurt and wrongfooted as Charles feels right now.

He thought he’d known what to expect and prepare for, but this… God, every time, Erik always managed to surprise him.

Maybe he should have been making more of an effort to empathize with the other man. He had just gotten out of prison for the first time in 10 years, no wonder Erik was happy to see somebody from his past. Even if it was Charles instead of Raven. Because that’s who Erik must have been expecting, isn’t it? Raven, loyal and familiar Raven, who chose Erik to give her heart and soul to.

Even the first hint of hurt and disappointment he sees in Erik’s eyes while he vows to never be in Erik’s mind again isn’t enough for the rage Charles feels to go away. He’s more hurt than he thought from being confronted with just how far they are from the pair they used to be.

The guards appearing interrupt their stand off and Charles’ vulnerability becomes obvious immediately. He can’t stand to see Erik’s confusion at his lack of powers. He remembers the drive in Russia where he’d hidden them in the back of the convoy truck from the guards, and he knows what Erik must think of him now. Defenseless and weak. Useless. Fragile.

“I can’t,” he says when Erik looks to him again, but Charles stares straight ahead and so he misses the flash of concern amidst the confusion his words produce.

But he does see the metal begin to tremble and it’s instinct to grab Erik and try and get his attention to make him stop because what did Charles just say? “ _We do this my way, no killing, I need your word Erik_ ” and Erik had nodded, giving it to him, only to break it at the first sign of trouble.

It shouldn’t hurt so much, this new tiny betrayal added onto all of the others, but Charles is still disappointed anyway.

In the blink of an eye the guards shoot but before Charles can even twitch the bullets are all hitting the wall and elevator doors behind them and the guards are lying on the ground.

Peter stands at the other end of the room, smiling.

Charles is first to react as he pulls away from Erik quickly. It’s like the other man burns him and he’s embarrassed at having reached for him at all, even if it was to try and save innocent lives. He ignores Erik’s look and doesn’t even spare a passing thank you to the young teenager that’s just saved their lives as he strides past, eager to find Hank and get back to the jet so that they can leave and get this all over with before going their separate ways and giving him an escape from all of this.

He doesn’t care what Erik thinks, doesn’t want to see the relief in the other man at being free, or the appreciation for Peter that he must surely feel. Erik always liked powerful mutants and Charles vowed to do his best to keep him from hurting this boy and dragging him into his world of violence and war.

Charles doesn’t care what Erik wants. All _he_ wants is to help Raven. Everything else is background noise.

“Come on,” he mutters to Hank as he strides past him in an upper hallway, ignoring the looks he gets from tour groups and workers for his dripping clothes and angry scowl.

“Wait, where are- did we-” Hank starts and Charles cuts him off.

“It worked. Come on.” He walks away, expecting Hank to follow and feeling a surge of relief when a few seconds later the other man does. But only after the sound of three fresh pairs of footsteps reach his ears.

They get out to the plane chartered for Paris quickly, not wanting to waste any time. Charles drives the car with Hank in the passenger seat. Erik is squished in the middle at the back, between Logan (who said he would watch for any funny business) and Peter, who just looks happy to have been allowed this far, even if he did keep shooting appraising looks towards Erik like he’s not sure whether he should be afraid or not. Unfortunately, Erik’s position means Charles catches his eye any time he has to look in his rear-view mirror and he doesn’t know what it says about either of them that it happens more often than truly necessary.

It’s natural that Charles should be curious about how Erik is, he tells himself. They did just bust him out of the highest security cell in America. Curiosity is natural. It’s detached and professional.

Erik though, shouldn’t he have been asking questions and eager to take in their surroundings? This was the first thing he’s seen out of that cell in ages. Surely antagonizing Charles by staring at him is further down on his priority list than that.

Apparently Charles had underestimated just how much Erik liked to infuriate him because the older man does nothing but sit calmly, mouth closed, and that just makes Charles determined that when one of them eventually does break and tell him everything… well. It won’t be him.

They arrive quickly, partly because Charles speeds as he drives distractedly. When they all get out he ends up by Erik’s side and pointedly ignores his questioning look and raised eyebrow.

“Are you shipping me out of the country?”

“I wish. Unfortunately, others have decided we need you for this.”

Okay, maybe not entirely ignoring it. But he does turn to Logan in an obvious rejection of Erik and that gives him a brief feeling of satisfaction. He gestures to the plane. “Take him in, explain… everything going on.”

Logan looks between them all before nodding. “Right. Come on, bub.”

“Get your hand off me,” Erik pulls his arm out of Logan’s grip roughly the second it makes contact with him. For a moment Charles feels a stab of sympathy for his old friend, as their eyes meet quickly. He knows what Erik’s embarrassment looks like, though he doubts the rest see anything but defensiveness. It’s obvious he’s beginning to wonder whether Charles and the other men have planned to get rid of him in some way.

Charles doesn’t try and reassure him. Instead he turns away again, towards Peter this time. His message is obvious and Erik wastes no time waiting for them to speak as he leaves to get on the plane with Logan only a step behind him.

Charles can’t even force a smile for the boy as he addresses him. “You’re staying here.”

The teenager’s face falls. “Are you sure? I could help?”

“You have helped.” He tries to appear a bit nicer. “You’ve done your part brilliantly, but now it’s time for us to fix the rest of this mess.”

“Okay, yeah.” He scuffs the ground with a sneaker. “I just… it was nice, you know? Being around people like me. Even if you are all completely insane.”

Hank clears his throat significantly and Charles shoots him an aggravated look. But Peter’s words have stirred something in him too, reminded him of why he had thought starting a school all those years ago was a good idea.

“If we make it through this mad venture of ours,” he begins cautiously. “Then I’ll get in touch with you. I… It’s possible I’ll be opening up a school for mutants in the future and if you like you would be free to attend. If it happens.”

“Really?” His face lit up and Charles tries not to feel bad at setting up his expectations for something that might not happen. Something that probably won’t happen. “That would be cool.”

Charles nods shortly. “I promise.”

With a few last words he throws the keys to Peter before turning to board the plane.

* * *

Erik is usually good at adapting. He had to be, in Auschwitz, and for everything that’s come afterwards, to make it through life like he has. He’s smart, he knows his limits, what he can afford to lose without it crippling him (usually, or at least he did, before… Before.) and he’s strong. It’s the only things that have gotten him this far on his own and it’s all he knows he can count on in the future.

But this… they’re going to Paris, he saw the charter route, and as he walks back from changing his clothes in the plane’s restroom he catches sight of the heading of Logan’s newspaper.

Peace talks and treaties. What Charles could possibly need him for when it comes to this escapes him. He’s the last mutant who would advocate for peace and Charles knows it better than anybody.

He can’t wrap his head around everything that’s happened in the past two hours. Not only has he been surprised with a successful springing from jail, he’s also come face to face with Charles, who he honestly wasn’t sure if he would ever see again. More than that, Charles and some of his recruits have been the ones to break him out, something Erik had only fantasized about while knowing full well it was impossible.

Obviously he’d been wrong. Charles had come.

That alone is enough to give Erik pause, but to be punched and ignored by the only person he’s ever really called a friend before being thrown into this madness is enough to throw him off balance completely.

The only card he has right now is to figure out what’s going on without giving any weaknesses away. Logan’s mutation is interesting and probably extremely effective in a fight, not to mention his entire attitude screams ‘toughest player on the field’, but Erik’s used to physical threats. He’s learned it’s the mental ones that do the most damage in the end.

Which brings him to his most pressing question. What has happened to Charles’ powers?

Maybe if he was alone with the telepath he would drop the façade of collectedness he’s keeping up and just ask. It’s not like Charles hasn’t seen him weak before. But they’re not alone, and that means waiting is all Erik has. Which is fine. He’s spent the last quarter of his life waiting, he can do it for a little while longer. Even if he is desperate to know if the unwashed hair and days of beard growth on Charles are from lack of care or lack of time, and worried that the answer is the former.

He’s trying not to think about what Charles’ behaviour towards him all day means, and doing an admirable job. His pragmatic side knows compartmentalization is key, and those words and looks are things he will only revisit and work through when he’s alone in a place he knows is absolutely safe.

For all he knew, Charles could be leading him straight into another jail cell or worse, and though most of him knows that’s not Charles’ way, a smaller part remembers what he had been like that last night they spoke in Charles’ bedroom. Angry, betrayed and hurt. Three things that were a bad combination when left to fester for too long.

He’s not afraid of Charles, never has been, but rationally he knows he should be, and that is what drove him to put on the helmet way back when. Erik can’t afford to be tricked into compliance by his own emotions, and Charles is the most powerful mutant he’s ever heard of. He needed to protect himself because it was the smart thing to do and people relied on him, not necessarily because he wanted to.

He quickly stops that train of thought. Ten years in solitude gives a person a lot of time to think and he’s still too unsure to willingly accept any of the conclusions he’d come to. But later on, after whatever the hell it is they’re about to do, maybe he can finally keep that promise to Charles and the two of them can sit and sort things out for good.

They’ll have to talk now, he knows, but he’s hoping- maybe they can make it through this peacefully and give themselves a chance to deal with the big stuff when their emotions aren’t so high. Charles is obviously an unwilling participant in whatever is going on, and Erik is clueless, so they’re not exactly in a position to feel comfortable giving up some pride and being patient with one another.

He will ask one question though. Is Charles recruiting older mutants as well as kids to that school of his? Did he go back to this man (that Erik is sure he recognizes from before, on their road trip) and manage to actually convince Logan without Erik there to hinder him?

“Where did they dig you up?”

Safe to say, Logan’s answer doesn’t help clarify anything for Erik at all. He ends up with more questions than before and by that point he can’t stop himself from giving in and asking them.

He commends Mystique for her methods in dealing with a human problem but even he can see why they need to stop this murder from happening.

While he’s busy trying to come up with plans and contingency plans he asks Logan to tell him what they’re all like in the future. What he learns doesn’t exactly make him happy.

Raven’s human in the future, hit with an antidote- and isn’t that a problem that needs to be avoided, Erik muses, hearing the tightly controlled emotions in Logan’s voice that the memories obviously stir up- and Erik had abandoned her because of it.

He winces as Logan says it casually. The other man is more focused on explaining the rest and hopes that in changing this they can avoid that future as well. The Canadian goes on to explain the fighting, how most of the mutants had died, including the X-Men, except for a very select few who banded together. They sought out Kitty for her powers and have this plan to use Logan to change history.

But what Erik keeps coming back to is the fact that in the future he and Charles are working and leading this insane gamble together.

Something dangerous flickers in him and he can’t squash it. Hope is not an emotion he allows himself, or at least not one he condones, but this time the proof is staring him in the eyes as he sits across from Logan and hears what the man has to say.

Charles and Hank had come in ages ago and Erik had looked over just in time to see Charles move to the back of the plane and hide away there. Which is fine, Erik’s a little more concerned with someone else right now, so as Hank passes them with a muttered “buckle up” to get to the pilot’s chair Erik turns back to Logan to finish their conversation and keeps his attention from wandering in the other direction.

They’re probably halfway to Paris by the time Charles comes back out to find Erik sitting on the couch staring into space and Logan in the same chair he’d occupied since they’d boarded.

He’s a man used to long vigils, Erik notes. Standing guard, waiting his victim out. Must be military.

Interesting. Apart from what Logan absently told him about Mystique there was no other hints at what happened to any of them in the future. Probably wanted to avoid messing with timelines any more than he already had. And he had given Erik no insight into his own story.

Erik is curious, but not enough to bombard the man with more questions. Depending on how this all plays out there might be no point and besides, he has higher priorities now that Logan’s given him a basic understanding of what they’re dealing with.

He doesn’t know why Charles has suddenly decided to come sit out with them and he doesn’t ask. They’re aware of each other, of course they are, just like they always have been. But for a few minutes they don’t show any sign of giving in to that awareness, both of them just lost in their own thoughts.

It would be easier to pretend that’s what they were doing if he couldn’t feel Charles’ stare boring into the side of his face. And it would be simpler if they didn’t feel the need to pretend at all, which would have been the case if Logan wasn’t watching them both with sharp eyes.

In the end it’s him who gives in (and isn’t it always) while staring down at his hands in his lap. He’s glad the wrists are bare of handcuffs and relishing the thought that he has freedom now, thanks to these men. No matter what happens next, it’s more than he had this morning. He tries to hold onto that as he asks the question that makes him most nervous.

“How’d you lose them?”

His jaw clenches as Charles’ answer registers. “The treatment for my spine effects my DNA.”

The implications of that, the news of Erik’s part in it… he can’t stand the thought and it makes him forget his feigned casualness as he looks up to see Charles’ face. His friend is waiting for a reaction, ready to assess it, and Erik is annoyed even though he’s doing the exact same thing. “You sacrificed your powers so you could walk?”

It’s unthinkable to make such a trade. What could possibly have made it seem worthy to Charles, giving up his extraordinary abilities for some common banal movement?

He had seemed bad when Erik had last seen him but Erik had never imagined it could get this far.

Maybe he should have known. From the second he saw him again and noted the beard and hair along with the pale skin and hollow eyes, he’d known things weren’t normal. He’d only hoped they weren’t as bad as this.

But like always, Charles rips the rug out from under Erik’s feet and makes his disdain disappear in a second. “I sacrificed my powers so I could sle-”

He cuts himself off too late and though Erik tries to stop it he knows the shock shows on his face, at least a little. Seeing his friend this way is not- it’s something that Erik certainly does not enjoy. Charles has always been able to shame him, to make him regret hasty words said unthinkingly because he wasn’t able to telepathically read the deeper causes of people’s actions.

He tries to recollect himself as Charles looks away. “What do you know about it?”

“I’ve lost my fair share.” He replies semi-automatically. Yes, he’s felt guilty about everything he did to Charles, everything he took from him, but it’s not worse than what Erik’s gone through and suffered. Close, maybe, but not the same. At least he and Raven are still alive for Charles to hate. Where are Erik’s siblings? His father?

Where is Erik’s mother and any chance he had of a childhood?

Fine, he hadn’t realized how bad it was, but that’s pretty clear now. He won’t sit here and act like he can’t understand what Charles has been through. He’s not without his own scars and pain. And he sure as hell won’t let Charles convince himself of that either.

He can hate Erik for the things he did, and Erik can accept that, even if he doesn’t like to. But Erik won’t let him accuse him of anything he doesn’t deserve.

But it seems that Charles isn’t in a place to agree to that.

“Ha,” Charles shakes his head. “Dry your eyes Erik, it doesn’t justify what you’ve done.”

Later a part of him will admit that they need this argument to at least begin clearing the air between them but in that instant all Erik feels is unjustly attacked. He’s just been locked up for a crime he didn’t even commit- the crimes he actually has committed are irrelevant- and been thrust into another quest to save mutant kind without so much as a friendly face or word to greet him. Now he’s facing time travellers and an angry ex-lover all while dealing with the unasked for pressure of the future of their entire species. And nobody had even asked him.

(Obviously he would have said yes. There wasn’t a chance he’d let them all deal with this without him being involved to make sure it didn’t go horribly wrong. But it would have been nice to at least been given the choice.)

Erik always knew he would get out of the Pentagon eventually and he had imagined how seeing Charles again would go. He’s sad to admit he’s disappointed.

“You’ve no idea what I’ve done.”

“I know you took the things that mean the most to me.”

“Well maybe you should have fought harder for them.”

Charles’ nose flares as he moves. “If you want a fight Erik, I will give you a fight!”

“Sit down,” Logan orders as Erik stands too and he holds a hand out in a clear sign.

“Let him come.”

It’s not easy to have Charles grab him, half in anger and half for support, but it’s worse to hear his real grievance, the thing that Erik feels most guilty about, even more than the bullet that cost Charles his legs.

“You abandoned me! You took her away, and you abandoned _me_.”

Again he relies on his compartmentalization and searches for his own arguments, often rehearsed in his cell and spoken calmly now. “Angel. Azazel. Emma. Banshee.” He sees Charles’ eyes widen as the plane begins to shake but he doesn’t care because now it’s his turn. Charles had turned his back on them and hid away in the school after he had turned his back on Erik by rejecting him on the beach. “Mutant brothers and sisters all dead! Countless others experimented on, butchered! Where were you Charles?”

He watches stoically as Charles scrambles back. He doesn’t know if he’s afraid or just trying to escape the accusations, but at this point he doesn’t care. He’s forgotten Hank and Logan are even there, too busy relishing the ability to use his own powers again and finally having to chance of confronting Charles with his own role in all of this.

Erik was angry too. Charles wasn’t the only one who had wanted something different for the two of them and been disappointed when his vision didn’t play out.

“We were supposed to protect them! Where were you when your own people needed you?”

It’s easier to pretend in front of the others that he was only one of many who needed Charles. The words fall easier if they’re for the behalf of them all instead of him alone.

“Hiding! You and Hank, pretending to be something you’re not!”

It’s only then that he hears Hank’s plea, “Erik,” and only then that his anger abates as quickly as it had come.

“You abandoned us all,” he finishes, and Charles looks even more betrayed right before he gets up and walks away.

He walks away.

Erik stares after him. He’s left with nothing to do but wonder just what it was that drove him away this time while hating that Charles is hiding again and hating that he’s always the cause of it.

“So you were always an asshole,” Logan states and Erik can’t find the strength to deny it.

He does put everything he’d moved back in place as best he can, all the while fuming that Charles has just left in the middle of the conversation. Couldn’t he see that Erik wasn’t the only one to have hurt the ones they cared about? Wasn’t it obvious that both of them were guilty of not properly saving those they had promised to protect? Maybe when it came to the two of them Erik had made most of the mistakes, he could admit that, but when it came to the First Class as a whole… They had both fallen short of what they should have been.

His anger only grows as he feels Logan watching him, judging him. What did he know about it? He hadn’t been there and no matter what he’s been told by either of them in the future it didn’t make him an expert. It was aggravating, Erik thought, to be on a plane surrounded by people who hated him.

(It didn’t escape him that this was how Charles must have thought he and Raven had felt about him all this time.)

He was frustrated. These were issues they should have dealt with years ago and if Erik hadn’t been imprisoned maybe they would have been able to. The memory of their fight from that night in the mansion makes his gut twist with regret because even though they’d argued they had also parted on a hopeful note. But now too long had gone by and they were left here, with gaping wounds that overshadowed the few kind things they had said the last time they spoke.

It’s that memory that makes Erik really calm down enough to realize he needs to try speaking to Charles again without losing his temper. This time when he comes back it’s for a drink, and Erik really does try to ignore him, not wanting to argue again so soon. This animosity wasn’t what he wanted, wasn’t what he had been trying to do when he’d asked about Charles’ powers, and he knows he needs to get a handle on his own temper before trying to talk to him again so soon.

In the end he relies on chess. One of the many things they share and something he hopes is untainted and impartial enough to lead to a more level-headed discussion.

Neither of them apologizes. They don’t do apologies, except for that one “ _I’m sorry my friend_ ” on Cuba that Erik resolutely doesn’t think about. Both of them are too stubborn to be ashamed of their beliefs and they’ve never felt the need to apologize for them before the day Shaw died. Things are different now, and as much as Erik might hate that, nobody asked for his opinion, so he’s left with nothing to do but deal with it.

He dives straight in and if he’d been hoping that the reminder of his incarceration and solitude (“it’s been a while”) would inspire sympathy or even a piteous reception, he’s sorely mistaken.

Maybe bringing up their separation wasn’t the wisest of tactics.

“I’m not in the mood for games, thank you.”

Persistence is always the key with Charles though. Despite his resolute willpower in select few areas, when it comes to most things he’s remarkably easy to persuade. Maybe that’s why Erik still hasn’t given up hope after all this time.

So instead he pours himself his own drink and his appreciation at the first taste is genuine, not just for show. He considers what he can say for a moment, before sticking with safe topics. Or at least what he hopes are safe.

“I didn’t kill the President.”

If Charles is surprised he’s still trying to talk to him there’s no sign of it on his face. He just seems unhappily resigned. “The bullet curved, Erik.”

He’s not surprised Charles knows that. Not surprised Charles cared. The telepath probably found out all he could about the assassination, if only to try and get to the bottom of everything. Erik thinks he knows why, (a broken promise, his vow to come back and talk after Dallas), but maybe it was just the telepath’s morals that made him guiltily stay updated. He’d probably convinced himself that he could have averted it by convincing Erik to stay and talk with him, or that it was his fault for helping Erik unlock the depth of his powers in the first place. Or had he been curious against his will, desperately looking for any sign that Erik was innocent until it was revealed that the bullet hadn’t followed a normal trajectory, thus cementing Erik’s involvement.

He shouldn’t think like that and allow his hopes to rise but he can’t really help it.

Still. This wasn’t his fault. He knows he’s guilty of a lot in Charles’ eyes but if he can remove any of those charges from his name he will.

“Because I was trying to save him. They took me out before I could.”

“Why would you try and save him?”

“Because he was one of us.”

He wishes he could know what Charles was thinking as his eyes search Erik for a lie. Is his choked breath and head shake from the fact that he’s accepting the new truth? He knows Erik would never kill one of their own. Or is it disappointment that Erik hadn’t gone to jail trying to save a human?

In the end he doesn’t find out. The expression disappears and Charles changes the conversation’s direction.

“You must think me so foolish. You always said they would come after us.”

He’s not sure what exactly it is they’re talking about now. Did he mean the government assassinating their own leader just because he was a mutant? Or this whole situation they’re in now of humans wiping out their entire kind?

Tentatively he assumes the latter and tries to broach another of their common interests.

“I never imagined they would use Raven’s DNA to do it.”

He seems to accept that as the small peace offering it was. “When did you last see her?” Charles sounds nervous of the answer.

Erik takes it as a victory and slides into the chair across from him. “The day I left for Dallas.”

“And how was she?”

“Strong. Driven. Loyal.”

But Charles doesn’t care about any of that. “How- how _was_ she?”

He can’t meet his eyes then and once more looks down at his hands. “She was- we were… I can see why she meant so much to you.”

Raven’s fire, her determination, that way she had of standing up to anybody who disappointed her, even her own heroes, it all came back to him in a flood of memory. It was something that had frustrated Erik more than once when she talked back, but it had impressed him too. It showed courage and it was honest. Easier to deal with than fake manners and buried emotions.

But when he looks up Charles appears unhappier than ever.

“You should be proud of her, Charles. She’s out there fighting for our cause.”

“Your cause.” And that stings just as badly now as it did the first time. “The girl I raised, she was not capable of killing.”

Erik tries not to let his disapproval bleed through his expression. He’d tried to talk to Charles about Raven once before and been rebuffed for interfering in topics he didn’t belong. Though he’d left it alone then, it was clear he couldn’t do that now.

“You didn’t raise her you grew up with her.” In this case he does agree with Raven wholeheartedly. She’d explained her side to him once, late at night when they were both unable to sleep before a mission because they’d been weighed down with memories and maudlin, not that either of them would admit it. “She couldn’t stay a little girl forever, that’s why she left.”

“She left because you got inside her head.”

There’s no reason for Charles to know that he’s wrong, no way he could know, but Erik can’t help but be unhappily amused at the word choice anyway. Erik had barely said anything to Raven the first few months they’d known each other. He’d never targeted her specifically. It had always been Charles he was trying to convince and the others had heard because they were in close proximity. Erik hadn’t drawn Raven to him, it had been Charles who had pushed her away. Though without Raven explaining it to him herself of course Charles would try and blame Erik.

That doesn’t mean he’ll accept the accusation. It touches too close to home, the idea of someone getting in another’s head and gaining power over them.

“That’s not my power.”

It stings that every disagreement between them always ends up coming back to the two of them and their old relationship. The fears and the betrayals that got in the way and made them fall apart.

Erik’s survival instinct needing to make sure Charles was out of his head. Charles’ emotions that all too often overpowered his logic. Their disagreement on humans and how to help mutants.

Everything keeps coming down to their own personal issues, even when the disagreement is about other people. They’re like a bomb site, spewing destruction that takes out anyone nearby along with the two of them. Erik doesn’t know if that will ever change.

“She made her choice.” _You told her to leave_ , he thinks but doesn’t say. He doesn’t think Charles would appreciate the reminder.

“And now we know where that choice leads, don’t we? She’s going to murder Trask and they’re going to capture her and they’re going to wipe us out.”

“Not if we get to her first. Not if we change history tomorrow.”

And there it was, the thing he’d been searching for all day, that old feeling again. They have a cause, a common cause, which puts them on the same side. They’re far more powerful together, everybody knew it. Erik remembers what it was like, and he revels in the fact that they can be that way again.

Charles almost smiles as their eyes hold and the mood shifts. The sight makes Erik swallow as he does what he should have long ago.

Charles had managed to apologize to him while breaking his heart. He’d done it without giving up on his beliefs. Maybe this time it can be Erik’s turn with far better results.

“I’m sorry, Charles.” His voice is soft and he’s surprised at how nervous he feels. When his friend only looks patiently curious he soldiers on, even though he doesn’t want to. “For what happened, I- truly am.”

The immediate way that Charles shuts down reminds Erik of himself, though his friend is still far too open with his feelings and tears at Erik’s heartstrings in the process. The defense mechanism is a familiar one that he recognizes from that night in the mansion, even though the refusal from his friend to acknowledge it all even now cuts him.

Is it because Charles doesn’t want to or because he can’t? Erik wonders. He understands both but he’d hoped that enough time had passed for them to finally get the closure they need.

He’s spent years with nothing to occupy him except his guilt and thoughts and hurt from Cuba. The Brotherhood had practically given up with most of them dead or captured, or so he’d been told by the worst of his guards. Raven was the only one left out there somewhere, the youngest and most innocent of them all. Sometimes, at his weakest, Erik had hoped she would end up back with Charles. For all of their sakes.

Obviously that hadn’t happened. Their choices on the beach had wounded each of them but it seemed Charles wasn’t ready to heal yet.

Instead Charles downs his drink and clears his throat, shifting in his seat as he avoids Erik’s eyes to stare down at the chess board. “It’s been a while since I’ve played.”

Perhaps foolishly, after a split second of debating with himself, Erik lets the matter go. “I’ll go easy on you. Might finally be a fair fight.”

It’s hard to read Charles’ expression as he replies, “you have the first move.”

He moves the pawn quickly, more focused on Charles than anything, and though they slip into a bit of teasing and taunting later, it’s about nothing but the game. It’s certainly not the same as before.

Erik pushes his disappointment away. Patience and persistence. That was all he needed.

* * *

Patience and persistence go out the window as soon as Erik aims a gun at Raven.

Charles is reeling from the shock of seeing her again, the newest betrayal from Erik and their subsequent fistfight (and no, he was not reminded of the other time he’d tried to stop Erik by tackling him, the two of them rolling in the sand trying hitting each other). By the time he and Logan get outside it’s just Hank left to meet them.

“Where is he?” Charles growled as they hustled away and Hank shifted back his appearance.

“I don’t know. Patching himself up somewhere probably.”

Not back at the plane, that was obvious. Erik wouldn’t be so brass as that. It would be somewhere they wouldn’t find him. Charles felt his jaw clench and teeth grit.

“He curved the bullet. Did it-”

“It hit her but she made it out. I’m not sure where she went either.”

He nods as they hurry away. They’ve changed history but Erik won’t be satisfied until Trask and the Sentinels are no longer a threat, Charles knows that. “You’re alright, Logan?”

“Just peachy,” the man grunts and Charles leaves it at that. Whatever had happened back in that building only made this entire thing more complicated and if Logan wasn’t inviting him to help deal with it Charles wasn’t going to press the issue. He had bigger things on his mind.

Trask wouldn’t stay in Paris after today. No, he’d go back home and regroup to continue trying to get the support he needed from the higher ups in charge.

That meant there was no reason for them to linger in France any longer either, and Hank and Logan seem happy to leave it behind as well. Within two hours they find themselves flying over the Atlantic back towards Westchester.

He’s glad that they’re all quiet on the ride, sharing a silent commiseration over just how badly everything turned out today. Charles aches, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. He was hurting for Raven, alone and probably scared, though she’d never admit it to anybody. He hurts from feeling the last vestiges of his trust in Erik disappear.

He should have known already but today had finally proven the fact that Erik had no limits. Not anymore. If he could turn on Raven that meant he could turn on anybody.

So why was it that Charles was unable to give up on him completely?

Scratch that. He knew why. Erik knew it too and he abused that weakness. Just like today, staring Charles and Raven down, Erik hadn’t hesitated in the slightest in deciding to pull that trigger. He’d probably been planning it from the very beginning and Charles had been too busy being stupidly lulled into complacence as Erik had played at being sorry, and happy to see him, and regretful.

He turned his head to look out of the window even though it was pitch dark by now. He was such a fool, always so stupid when it came to Erik, and for the millionth time Charles regretted ever jumping into the water to pull the other mutant out.

He ignored the smallest part of him that was wondering where Erik was and whether he was alright. Erik is nothing to him, not anymore. Charles can’t afford to be weak when it came to him. It wasn’t just himself who was getting hurt because of it anymore, it was Raven and the others too, and he couldn’t allow that to happen.

The time had come for him to face the truth; there was no hope for Erik.

And maybe, if Charles hadn’t chosen to use his powers to speak with himself from the future using Logan’s consciousness, he might have even stuck with that resolution.

Alas, his life is never so easy. As soon as his mind makes contact with the other Charles Xavier’s- he can’t think of it as him, this man is not someone Charles can recognize his own self in- he’s flooded with memories.

Memories of the two of them together and the memories he and Erik would make apart. The elder Erik and Charles are obviously close now, having shared their life stories with one another, and now the older Xavier is showing them all to Charles in the span of a moment.

How Erik would have broken out of the Pentagon eventually without Charles’ help. Their continued meetings throughout the decades, neither of them changing their minds and giving in, only surrendering to the fact that they couldn’t stay away from one another completely. He sees himself meeting Ororo, Jean, Scott and then Logan for the first time, learns about Rogue and her powers, about Erik’s attempt to use her. And then- oh. The dam in Canada, Stryker and his son: another mutant Charles fails to help.

He learns that Raven sneaks into the mansion and poisons Cerebro and sees the memory of when Erik… Erik uses him to try and kill all of humanity and leaves him to die in the dam before he and Raven leave together, by then the two of them seem closer than ever.

Charles sees it, their relationship, because the older Xavier has seen it in Erik’s mind too. And it might not be romantic, not really, but the fact that it’s sexual at all is enough to make his stomach turn.

Raven is different in the future, almost unrecognisable from the girl he knows now. She’s wild, untamed, almost unhinged in certain areas, and Charles shies away from the future memories, unable to confront them.

He pushes on, past the dam, watching as Scott dies at the hands of Jean. He feels a pang for this boy he doesn’t know yet, the feelings from his counterpart too strong to fully escape as they bleed through the connection. It is only then that he sees as he himself killed by Jean as well, sweet Jean who is so full of pain. Another pupil he raised and failed to properly protect.

It’s funny, he doesn’t flinch away from seeing himself die. He just takes it all in while feeling vaguely unsettled. The memories switch to other peoples’ perspectives and he realizes Charles has seen the rest of that tale through the minds of others, Erik included. It plays out in his mind like a movie, the boy whose DNA can make a cure for mutants, Erik’s grief over Charles’ death that is pushed to the side for the sake of his cause.

He sees himself wake up as if from a coma, sees his reunions with the X-Men, can feel his own joy meld with Storm’s as she runs to hug him in pure happiness.

And then he sees what Erik did.

Lifting the Golden Gate Bridge. Attacking to kill the mutant the Cure came from. Leaving Raven behind once she was human.

Raven is dead in the future. So is Hank. Killed by the Sentinels. There are so few of them left.

But even that cannot distract him from seeing the rest. Erik, cured, who left to try and make it as a human in the world he loathes so much. These are Erik’s memories now, memories that were shared with the Charles of the future in moments of vulnerability after they are reunited once more before the Sentinels became a threat.

Oh. _Oh_. Their reunion. It-

 _Not those_. The older Charles walls that pocket of memories off before he can get more than fleeting emotions associated with them. Even those are powerful enough to make him feel breathless.

 _Why not_? He pushes. _I want to see_.

 _Not that_. Xavier doesn’t budge, making Charles feel as if his own mind is fighting itself. _You don’t need those to influence you when you make peace with Erik again._

 _And the rest of what you’ve shown me wouldn’t?_ Charles scoffs.

 _The rest is to warn you of what will happen if you fail_. Xavier sounds sad. _Erik and I only overcame our differences after years of hurting each other in every way possible. We wasted so much time. You and your Erik can avoid that_.

Charles would have flinched from the blunt words if his conversation with Xavier had been in person instead of… whatever this was _. I can never forgive him for what he’s done_.

 _You think so_. Xavier says gently. _But so did I, once_.

He can’t help but let his attention be drawn towards the older Erik. The sight hurts, though Charles doesn’t have the patience to understand why.

He is however, introspective enough to be able to acknowledge Erik is a silver fox in his old age, and it makes him annoyed and exasperated in equal measure because _of course_ he is.

But still the hopelessness creeps in and finally he speaks to Xavier out loud. Or as out loud as a shared projection can speak.

By the time he comes back to Logan he knows for the first time since Cuba that he can make it through the pain he has. More than that, he can use it, just like Xavier said, and it will only make him stronger.

For the first time since the beach, he’s ready to fight again.

* * *

In Washington everything goes wrong all over again.

He’s beaten, he thinks as Raven pulls the trigger and the bullet goes through his neck. Plastic, he notes with disgust even as pain shoots through his nerves.

The next thing he’s aware of is Charles in his mind right before he takes over completely and forces Erik to consciousness again.

He hopes Charles feels the pang of regret that comes from him realizing he was underneath the rubble and concrete of the stadium. Hopes he realizes that Erik hadn’t known he was there.

Obviously he’d seen Hank and Logan, but he’d hoped Charles would have stayed out of this one. No powers made him liable rather than dangerous. Erik had wished that once the violence started Charles would have gotten away.

Clearly Erik had purposely been misleading himself. He should have known Charles would never stay out of this. If he’d been determined enough to stay through breaking Erik out of prison, then obviously he was prepared to do whatever it took.

Still. Erik had hoped.

Feeling Charles leave his mind is perhaps most disconcerting of all. He’s surprised his old friend would be so trusting, so bold, especially with the helmet lying only feet away, easy to pull through the air and back onto his head. He’s not able to acknowledge the other part of him that misses the connection as soon as Charles breaks it. The emptiness is like a physical feeling in his own head. He’d gone ten years without Charles, he should have been used to it, but feeling it freshly gone all over again was jarring.

Being back together like that, feeling Charles work through him once more, it had been…

Enough. Now wasn’t the time.

“If you let them have me I’m as good as dead. You know that.”

“I know.”

And still Charles stays out of his head. The president and his men don’t move. Hank stays quiet, obviously willing to let Charles make his own choice.

Erik wonders if Beast will regret that one day.

He’s not foolish enough to pass this chance up, even if it does show Charles’ weakness again. When he says goodbye, he means it. The best thing he can do for all of them now is disappear and not come back.

“Goodbye old friend.”

Something changes in Charles’ eyes but still his powers aren’t used. “Goodbye, Erik.”

He glances towards Mystique, waiting for her to refuse this turn of events and attack him again, but she only stares too. Like Hank. Both of them watching and waiting to see what Charles and Erik decide before they have their own choice of following or refusing.

In the end she doesn’t say anything and he accepts that too. Within minutes he’s hundreds of feet in the air and wondering what else the world could possibly have in store for him now.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s not that Charles checks in on him. Erik knows it’s not that.

It’s more… they both get lonely, sometimes, and even as time goes on neither of them really know how to stay away from one another. Or, to be more accurate, neither of them really want to.

Now that the mental bond between them has been used again Erik almost can’t remember why he was so resistant to it all this time. There was no Brotherhood for Charles to spy on now anyway, no plans for him to find out and ruin. Erik had nothing left to hide.

He doesn’t notice the first few times Charles’s mind brushes against his. It’s not strong and technically shouldn’t even be possible given that they’re separated by more miles than ever before. An entire ocean lies between them as Erik makes a new life in Poland and Charles rebuilds his school. And yet.

One day, sitting alone in his newly purchased wreck of a cabin, he feels it. The brush of a telepath against his mind.

 _Charles_?

The other presence hesitates. _Hello Erik._

He’s caught between feeling happy and surprised that he got an answer instead of Charles just choosing to leave. The other man might not have shared that thought but Erik knows that was probably his first instinct.

It takes effort to make himself sound casual. _Checking up on me?_

 _Only briefly. I like to know you’re okay, nothing more_.

His surprise flows through the bond back for Charles to feel. _You’ve checked before_?

 _Only a few times_. Again he hesitates. _I didn’t think you’d appreciate it_.

Erik, contrary to both of their expectations, doesn’t mind. In fact, he’s glad of the company. It’s only been a year but he’s lonely out here all alone and his decision to settle down in this rural town in Poland is still recent enough to leave him wary.

 _It’s fine_ , he says, wondering if Charles heard his introspection. He can’t feel anything Charles is thinking so perhaps the bond isn’t strong enough for the exchange of emotions yet. Maybe Charles was telling the truth and he only looked enough to see Erik was okay, and only spoke because Erik had felt him.

Seconds pass and he grips the bottle of brandy in his hand a bit tighter, trying to think of something to say. He knows Charles isn’t gone, not yet at least, and he’s eager to keep it that way. Conversation with him might be exactly what Erik’s been craving all this time.

But what can he say really? Sorry I betrayed you again and tried to kill Raven before dropping a football stadium on you and then attempting to actually kill the president? You let me go, let me live, and I don’t know whether I could have done the same in your situation, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand why you did.

Hope. It always came back to hope with Charles, didn’t it? Hope for the humans to do the right thing, hope that mutantkind would get what they deserved and be treated as equals. Hope that Erik will change.

Maybe Charles had been right to hope all this time. Erik certainly felt like he’d changed in the past few months.

He had been wrong. Raven saved the president and became a global hero and now mutants everywhere were not only accepted, but also celebrated. Certain countries lagged behind, of course, but progress happened eventually whether they liked it or not.

Charles had been right. Though it had taken far too long, the humans had listened and they were changing.

Too bad it was too late for him. He was a wanted criminal, the whole world knew him as Magneto. And maybe without the helmet it was hard to recognize him, but he knew if he ever used his powers in public again he was a dead man.

_Erik?_

He blinked, coming out of his thoughts. Had Charles heard?

_Do you want me to leave you alone now? If you don’t want me to check anymore I don’t- I can stop. It really was just to see if you were okay._

_No. Stay_. He scrambled for the words he’d been looking for earlier. _I want to talk to you, I just… didn’t know what to say._

This time he did feel Charles’ stab of surprise before it was gone quickly. _Alright. How are you?_

He would have laughed if Charles was there to hear him. Instead he laced his thoughts with enough sarcasm that Charles would usually roll his eyes at the drama of it all. _Wonderful._

Charles said nothing.

 _I’m alive._ Erik thought to him after the long pause. He wondered if his old friend was disappointed or hurting for him- not pity, not from Charles, but he’d always felt that damned responsibility to try and fix everyone around him, and Erik knew he was no different. _I’m safe, for now, though I can’t use my powers without the risk of being found and locked up for what I did, if they don’t just kill me instead. I’m alone, without even a guard to bring me meals and insult or taunt me through the glass of my old prison. But I’m alive, and that’s because of you, and that counts for something._

Charles doesn’t sound very happy when he replies _. I never wanted you to be alone._

 _Alone is better for me._ Erik tries not to let his own self-pity bleed through their connection _. It’s the only time I don’t seem to hurt the people I care about._

The sudden flare of Charles’ emotions makes Erik gasp. He had known, to a degree, how Charles must have felt about everything that had happened between them, but to be hit with the full brunt of it is more than Erik is expecting, more than he’d been prepared to feel.

“Charles,” he gasps, and this time he says it out loud because his mind is too overwhelmed to think clearly.

It’s more than hurt and anger in Charles. It’s an encompassing ache that leaves the space in Erik’s ribs feeling hollow. An ache for the way things could have been, for the lost potential between the two of them that was overshadowed by a reality that ended up with them separated and in pain.

 _Sorry, sorry_. Charles sounds slightly panicked and apologetic. _I didn’t mean to open it up that far._

The connection is still open though and now Erik can feel the barest traces of Charles’ emotions. Apology, concern, latent anger and curiosity mostly, but once in a while there it is again, the thing that overtook Erik and made him forget who he was as he was completely overwhelmed by Charles.

Yearning.

He wonders if Charles has picked out Erik’s own well of angst, with his own fantasies circling with the rest of his feelings. Probably.

“I don’t mind the open connection,” he says. In fact he misses the way it used to be, when they were always linked and exchanging vague thoughts and ideas. For a brief split second he remembers what it had felt like during sex when they’d become so melded that it was hard to completely separate themselves in the moment, but as quickly as the thought comes he shies away. Not before Charles picks up on it though and the low thrum of shock at the reminder jolts them back onto more reserved footing. “I just wasn’t ready for that.”

That powerful wave had escaped without Charles’ permission. Erik knows even before Charles sends the apology to him.

_I know, I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant- it caught me by surprise. You caught me by surprise._

Ha. Isn’t that far more accurate than either of them were willing to admit right now.

“It’s alright.” And it is. Erik is still reeling from the fact that this is his first conversation longer than three sentences in over 6 months, and it’s with Charles no less. _I don’t mind you checking._

 _Okay._ Charles sounds halting. _I should go now but… I’m glad you’re alright_.

What does it cost him, to admit that?

 _Charles_ , Erik stops him before he can disappear. _I’m sorry._

Again Charles pauses. _I know Erik_.

 _You do?_ Of course he does, Erik chastises himself as soon as he thinks it. He can read your mind.

 _Yes. That’s the worst part about the things you do, you see._ Charles sounds incredibly sad. _I always understand._

He goes before Erik can say anything in reply, leaving him helpless to do anything but sit in his single armchair in front of his living room fire, alcohol in hand with only his thoughts for company.

* * *

Charles reaches out before he can second-guess himself any further and hesitantly makes contact with Erik’s mind.

_Erik?_

_Charles!_

_Hello old friend_ , the amusement slips out before he can stop it but who is he kidding anymore? The only reason he waited so long to contact Erik again was to sort through his own thoughts and feelings, and once he’d done it, he’d realized without surprise that he was able to forgive Erik for everything. There was no point in holding anything back now that he had admitted to himself just how much Erik still meant to him.

He feels a rush of pleasure at the happiness he senses from Erik as the connection between them comes alive again.

_Are you well?_

_I am._ Erik does not sound nearly so sad as last time Charles had spoken to him and for that he’s glad. Over a month had passed since then though, of course Erik wouldn’t just sit and wallow forever. Charles should have expected this. _Are you?_

 _Yes_. He pauses, briefly unsure, before pushing forward to ask. _What have you been up to?_

 _I…_ He hears something similar to laughter in Erik’s thoughts _. I’m settling into retirement if you can believe it. I have a home,_ the image of a secluded cottage in a copse of trees fills Charles’ imagination, sent over by Erik. _And I’m waiting to hear back from a few jobs._

_Oh? What sort of jobs._

_Metal work._ Erik sounds slightly… embarrassed? _For all my world travels and experience I find I lack the education most people require for even basic jobs these days._

 _A great loss on their part_. Charles says mildly. _That’s wonderful Erik. I’m- happy for you._

 _Thank you._ A bit of the old seriousness returns as Erik gets over the initial joy of them speaking again. He’s been lonely, that much hasn’t changed since last time. Charles can tell _. And you? What have you been doing?_

 _Focusing on the school mostly._ He sends Erik images of Jean, his newest student, and a few of the others. Raven and Hank. _There’s a lot of administrative work for me to deal with that I’d left neglected before it can really take off, but it’s starting to take shape._

 _Neglected,_ Erik mulls over the word and Charles waits patiently. He knows what will come, not because he’s reading Erik’s mind, but because he knows Erik _. What were you doing all these years, Charles, if not running the school you wanted?_

 _You didn’t ask Hank on the plane?_ He tries to deflect.

_You know I didn’t._

Charles swallowed. His eyes were still closed, and he stayed in his position on his office couch, lying straight, arms resting across his chest in a corpse-like position. Yes, he did know. His friend was too careful to let any interest be seen by Hank or Logan, people he considered enemies or outsiders, because it could give them even a trace of power over him. Charles was familiar with his way of thinking and Erik knew that.

Erik knew him just as well as Charles knew Erik. Better maybe, because he didn’t have the aid- or crutch- of telepathy. Whenever that helmet was on Erik was a question mark to Charles, a blade that could swing either way, towards the side of good or bad, depending on Erik’s mood and situation. Charles was guided by his morals and therefore predictable. Erik was ruled by his feelings and that meant he was changeable and dangerous unless you were one of the few people he cared about. Even then safety wasn’t guaranteed.

Look at Charles after all.

The thoughts flow between them, Erik picking up on Charles’ emotions because he’s too distracted to filter them. He’s just spent days putting shields up around Jean’s mind, altering her memories, hiding certain things she won’t need or want to remember. Truthfully Charles isn’t even sure how he has the strength to contact Erik, who is half a world away, but he doesn’t want to waste time figuring it out now. Their bond has always been strong, and Erik hadn’t moved his location since Charles had found him with Cerebro last time. Beyond that he didn’t want to examine things too closely.

 _Then don’t,_ Erik said. _Just accept it’s there._

_This is coming from you? I would have thought you’d be desperate to know why our bond is so much stronger than the others so that you could stop it._

_I don’t want to stop it._ The admission surprises Charles _. And I already know why. You do too. No point running from that._

Erik replied calmly and suddenly memories of the two of them locked away alone in rooms of the mansion are at the front of their minds, demanding to be felt.

Erik’s lips pressed against his, the feelings Erik had in those first days when their hands would accidently brush during chess. Drinking beside a warm fire, skin hot, collars too tight, clothes being ripped and kicked off as they scrabbled for the feeling of the others skin, trying to find the nearest bed, or couch, or chair, and settling for the floor or wall on a few memorable occasions.

Charles makes the effort to cut that off. The memories are locked away tightly, cut off and hidden in their respective heads but he’s so focused on that he doesn’t filter his next words. _Not that you haven’t tried. To run from it._

From them.

Erik’s quiet for a long time. _So we’re doing this now?_

_I hadn’t meant to._

_But we must._ Erik didn’t sound angry or annoyed, just resigned, like Charles had. _The plane wasn’t enough._

 _The plane was- you lied_. Charles can’t help it as his frustration spills over. _You lied and before that you turned it around on me to make me feel guilty when we both know the worst thing I did on that beach was saying the wrong thing._

 _Yes, and I did far worse, I know that._ Erik snapped. _But after that, when I could do nothing locked in my prison, what did you do? You hid Charles, and you did nothing as our people were hunted down and killed. You’re lucky they didn’t get Raven._

 _I know I am, and that’s thank to her own brilliance and nothing else_. He breathed deeply, trying to regroup his thoughts. _Your accusations aren’t fair, Erik. All of you left me, ran from me and hid so I wouldn’t be able to find you._

_You couldn’t have, without your powers-_

_No, before that. You hid from me. What was I meant to do?_

_Keep trying. Not give up on us._

_What, like you did with me?_

_I never gave up on you._ Erik said.

_It certainly felt like you did._

_I called, didn’t I?_

_Ha._ Charles sent through a wave of unsatisfaction and hurt _. That’s all it warranted then? All our relationship deserved? What am I meant to be grateful that you deigned to call me while I was struggling with your abandonment and the loss of my legs?_ He stops, chest heaving, as he tried to calm his thoughts _. I deserved more than a call, Erik._

He wonders if he’s ruined this whole thing, if Erik’s anger will overshadow everything as he tries to defend himself with hurtful words, words aimed to wound, like he always does.

What actually happens is that Erik surprises him.

 _Can’t you see how much I regret it? Hurting you?_ Leaving _you?_ Erik sounds… defeated _. Can’t you feel it? I would have thought that would be enough to convince you that Cuba hurt you just as much as me._

_Don’t you dare-_

_I’m sorry, Charles. Not about my beliefs but about the way things happened. I thought… I never wanted that. Any of it. You’re right, your pain is yours, but mine… don’t think that I’m not hurting too, because I am. Every day._

It’s then that Erik pushes his emotions out for Charles to feel, making the telepath gasp.

He knows Erik’s mind, he’s felt how full of pain it was when Shaw was alive. Charles thought that kind of hurt, the deep, heart-wrenching personal kind, would have disappeared when Erik got justice for his mother’s murder. He had hoped for that, because Erik had deserved to move on from the horrible guilt that had kept him trapped for years.

What Charles feels now is worse. It’s fresher, despite the 10 years that have passed, and it’s an adult’s guilt.

It’s the most crippling thing Charles has ever felt.

And it stems from Cuba.

_Do you see now?_

_Oh, Erik._ Charles tries to go through the memories and soothe them, pick out bright spots from the bad, but somehow in Erik’s head even the bright spots are tainted with the knowledge of what the two of them have come to now because of that day long ago. _I do see._

_It’s not the same, but it’s punishment, nonetheless._

_If you felt like this then how could you keep going with the Brotherhood? The things you were willing to do at Washington to Raven, Erik-_

_I’d already hurt you and ruined everything. I did what I thought was the right thing, thinking that even if I was wrong I’d already lived through worse mistakes._

Charles catches the thoughts Erik doesn’t say and tries to stop himself from reeling at the ones he does. _That’s why you’re staying out there. You think taking yourself away from us means you can’t hurt us anymore._

There’s no answer.

_Erik, you must know that’s foolishness._

_No Charles. I hurt everyone I care about one way or another, even when I don’t want to. To continue to put you all through that would be foolishness._

_You said yourself that I hurt you just as much,_ Charles replied, and pushes the memory at Erik. The metallokinetic holding him on the sandy beach, Charles staring up at him through tears, quietly refusing him and his vision of the two of them together in a world where mutants overpowered humans. He feels Erik’s pain from seeing it played back to him from Charles’ point of view, just like he feels his own heart break. _Should I hide away like you? Isn’t that what you just finished chastising me for? Please, Erik, just come home._

_You don’t destroy like I do. You hold yourself back. Somehow, when no other man could in your position, you hold yourself back._

_You can too. I’ve seen it. Back when we first met, the months after that. I know what you could be if you only had the peace and support to allow yourself. Come be with those who love you, Erik._

_There’s none left, Charles._

_You know that’s not true._ Charles struggled to share the thought _. I can show it to you. Prove it. You know that-_

_No. I’m not going to hurt you anymore._

_Well I’m not going to let you be alone. Not anymore. I won’t give up on you again, Erik._

Amidst the swirl of frustration, hurt and longing, Charles felt a glimmer of amusement from his old friend. _So we’re at an impasse then?_

 _It seems so._ Charles grinned wryly in amusement, despite himself _. Feels familiar, doesn’t it?_

He was still angry but it had evolved now. His love for Erik outweighed any lingering resentment he felt for Cuba, and even Washington. He understood and that meant he could forgive him. Now what Charles resented was Erik running from him.

But that could be fixed too, couldn’t it? They had time, and Charles wasn’t about to waste it. If there was one thing he was, it was patient.

Here they still are, connected despite the distance, talking to each other more in the past few years than they have since the first few months they were together. There was hope for them yet.

* * *

Erik’s eyes fly open with a gasp as his orgasm takes him.

 _There_. Charles sounds far too smug. _And you said I couldn’t do it a third time._

 _I can’t do it a third time,_ Erik groused as he grabbed his cast-off t-shirt to clean himself, the connection between them still strong and open. _You… cheated._

Charles’ laughter was light and sweet. Happy. _Sure_.

He still wasn’t entirely sure if this was a good idea but neither of them were resisting anymore. It seemed like after the first time- Charles reaching out to Erik in the middle of the night on the anniversary of Cuba, both of them vulnerable and aching and sorry, both slightly drunk and apparently very horny- and the hesitant time after that-

_What are we doing Charles?_

_Do you not want to?_

_You know the answer to that._

_There you go. We’re doing what we want._

\- the two of them couldn’t help themselves anymore.

What they want. It was dangerous to let their emotions interfere again and could only end in disaster. Nothing had changed except for their patience running out and wearing thin.

 _You came?_ He checks, because he always does, never quite sure whether the climax he always feels from Charles isn’t his own feelings coming back to him.

 _I did. Three times._ He sounds smug. Erik would roll his eyes if Charles could see. He does roll his eyes, even though he can’t.

It’s been over a year and a half since he’s been here now and Erik wishes he could say he’d made the right choice.

The truth is, his life is elsewhere. Charles was right, staying away from those he loves when all he wants is peace and to settle down seems pointless. He’s starting to wonder if he should just give in, pack up and go.

But there’s a woman here, Magda, and she knows who he is. It had been stupid of him to go out drinking when he was so maudlin and vulnerable, but he’d been unbalanced by him and Charles falling- telepathically- back into bed together and he’d needed out. Charles wouldn’t distract him if he wasn’t alone at home, and he’d been running low on liquor anyway, the first few bottles he’d bought only lasting so long.

He’d met Magda in the bar and somehow she’d managed to get him to tell her everything. Or close enough to it.

They were friends now, of a kind. Not like he had been with Emma or Raven, it was closer to what he had with Charles even though Magda was just a human. There was something about her, that painful innocence, hope and belief in the goodness of people, that made him think of Charles.

She was foolish enough in her innocence to trust Erik and keep his secret.

Yes, she was very like Charles.

He was tempted to leave but that would defeat the entire purpose of staying away from the mansion to keep them all safe. It wasn’t just Charles he had to think about, after all, it was the students too. And Raven wouldn’t exactly be eager to see him. Neither would Hank and Alex for that matter.

There’s obviously only one thing truly pulling him back there and it’s Charles. But Charles is a hard temptation to resist, even after all this time. So he’s considering it.

But that would leave Magda as a loose end and Erik doesn’t feel comfortable with that. He’s wanted by every Western government in the world and a few others, labeled a global terrorist. To leave knowing there’s someone out there with his name and story, with the knowledge she has… Magda will know exactly where he’s gone back to.

But he doesn’t want to kill her. Or hurt her. Erik likes her, and he thinks, somehow, he trusts her too.

It leaves him lost and confused, two things he hates. Even worse, he’s unsure.

Luckily, he has lots of time to think.

* * *

He knows something is different this time when Erik doesn’t return his greeting. Instead he’s met with nothing, shielded emotions and thoughts that leave Charles waiting and nervous.

This is unusual and despite being in Erik’s head enough to speak to him Charles is the one at a disadvantage. Even with all his knowledge and years of knowing Erik as intimately as he does he’s caught completely by surprise by what his old friend says.

_Erik?_

_This is over, Charles._

Completely by surprise. He’d been sitting and staring out the window of his room, watching the kids run around outside in a hybrid game of training and basketball, but Erik’s words draw his full attention and the view becomes nothing but background information.

He’d put on a new shirt today, on the off chance that this encounter might lead to something… more. That had happened sometimes between them lately and though Charles hadn’t been entirely sure at first, in the past few months he’d approached the situation in a cautiously hopeful state.

Silly, really. At his age.

_What?_

_This. Us. It needs to stop. I’m sorry, that I let it start again and come so far, but it’s done._

_What are you talking about?_

_I met someone else._

Now Charles is the speechless one and instinctively he puts shields up around his own emotions, hoping Erik hadn’t caught any yet.

 _She’s… different. From anyone I’ve ever known. Though she reminds me of you a bit_. Charles flinches and he tastes the tail end of Erik’s remorse before the shields are strengthened by them both. He hadn’t meant to say that, Charles had practically pulled it out of him, but the words were there now, echoing between them. _I’m not coming back there Charles, ever. It’s not safe and it would be stupid for everyone if I did. You’d be harboring a criminal._

_I don’t-_

_We’ve been deluding ourselves, trying to- reclaim some of the time we wasted in the past, I guess. But there’s no future for us. There’s no point._

_No point._ Charles repeats.

_People like us aren’t accepted. Not just mutants but everything we are. What we have. It’s a dream._

Charles can only turn the words over in his mind. _I thought you were willing to fight for the causes you cared about. We’ve always fought for that, you and I._

The seconds it takes Erik to answer are agonizing.

 _I’m sorry. This is exactly what I didn’t want. This is why it’s better to end it now instead of letting it go on any further._ Erik is hiding his emotions and now more than ever Charles really wished he wouldn’t. _It wouldn’t have worked, Charles. I’m only sparing us the pain later._

_Is that what you think you’re doing here? Sparing me?_

_Charles-_

_I never knew you as a quitter, Erik._

_Even I know when a fight is hopeless,_ Erik snaps, and Charles’ flame of anger is quickly replaced by hurt _._

Erik knows it too, because as soon as the words sink in, he tries to take them back. _Charles, that’s not what I-_

But Charles doesn’t let him. _I’m glad you’re alright, Erik, and that you’re settling into your new life quite well. I’m happy for you._

He took a deep breath, turning away from the window. _And I suppose that means there’s no reason for me to check up on you anymore, now that I know you… have something to protect._ A reason for peace. He hesitates. _I wish you all the joy in the world. Truly._

Erik is quiet a moment and Charles aches, desperate for him to say something, anything, except, _goodbye, old friend_.

Charles doesn’t say anything, he just cuts the connection. Later he’ll regret it, but right now he’s in too much pain to care.

For the rest of the day he begs off teaching and any administrative duties by claiming he has a headache. Luckily that means Hank is too distracted to see the lie and even Raven, who once knew him better than anybody, has no idea anything is amiss.

He’s alone, perhaps for the first time in months.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s not hard, this life Erik has managed to create for himself.

He loves Magda deeply, and even if there’s always going to be a part of him that can’t be hers, a part that’s torn and wishes to be fighting a cause halfway around the world, she somehow understands and accepts that.

Anya is an accident but not an unwanted one. It changes Erik’s world to hold his newborn daughter in his arms and it’s then that he’s tied to this life for good. He forgets Magneto, he even manages to forget Erik Lehnsherr. He’s Henryk Gurzsky here and he’s happy for it.

When Nina is five he and Magda are up late one night talking.

“What if she’s like you.” His wife whispers, nervous to voice such thoughts, even in the dark. Erik meets her eyes in the moonlight, their heads angled towards each other as they lie together in bed side by side.

“I hope she is. It’s a gift.”

“She’ll have to go to school, Erik, and she’ll make friends, form relationships. You and I are happy to be alone together out here but she’ll want freedom. If she has powers it only makes it more likely people will realize who her real father is.”

“Plenty of people are mutants, Magda.” He strokes the side of her face, watches as her eyes flutter shut. “After Mystique’s actions in Washington mutants aren’t feared like before. It’s… different now.”

He can admit that in the safety of their bedroom. While his powers are feared and known to belong to a terrorist, other mutants are typically accepted these days. Mystique is seen as a hero of sorts, the face of the mutant cause, and Erik… wishes he wasn’t resentful of that. Wishes he didn’t think that title belonged to somebody else.

“I’m not saying she’ll be treated differently. I’m saying that if she does have powers and they trace her back to you, people will know you’re a mutant and want to see what you can do. When you show them, you’ll be found.”

Erik frowned. “We can ask her to be careful.”

“She’s a child, my love. Mistakes will happen.”

He pulls her to him, her head coming to rest on his chest. “What are you thinking?”

She’s quiet for a moment. “You said your friend had a school-”

“No.”

“Erik, think about this. She needs to learn and find people her own age to connect with. The two of us can’t be her entire world.”

Erik thinks back to his own parents, remembers running from the Nazi’s and trusting no one but each other. Hiding, trying to stay safe.

Was that the kind of life he would want for his daughter?

Better that then dead, an old voice hisses in his head, and he can’t disagree with it.

“I can’t go back there, Magda.”

“I know you have a history with them-”

“Not that.” Though that’s enough to scare him away these days. “To America. I can pass unnoticed here but back there… I’ll be found.”

She props herself up to stare down at him, finally speaking at a normal volume. “Surely your friend would keep us safe. He has connections, you said, in government. And money. Would he not use them for us? For you?”

That’s the thing about Magda. She doesn’t see the problem in Erik asking for protection and help. It’s so simple for her, the idea that friends help each other no matter what, stick their necks out for one another time and time again, even though Erik can’t give anything in return. Even though he doesn’t even know if he and Charles still count as friends at all.

He won’t rely on him for pity and hand outs, even if they are still friends. That’s a level he refuses to stoop to.

Besides, taking everything into account, there’s nothing to guarantee Charles wouldn’t turn Erik and his family away as soon as they step foot in Westchester. The last time they’d spoken hadn’t ended in an argument but it hadn’t been a happy conversation either. To go to Charles with a new family and go back on the very reasons he’d stayed away in the first place would be a slap in the face. Charles could turn him away, for all Erik knew.

(He knew better. Charles would never turn them away, especially not Nina.)

“I don’t know what he would do,” he replies softly, half to himself. “But even Charles Xavier can’t protect me all the time. It’s too risky.”

She’s quiet.

“Either we send her away alone, you go with her and leave me here, or we all stay here and stay safe.”

There’s still no answer and he sighs, shifting to kiss her temple. “She might not be a mutant. There’s no signs of her having any powers.”

That was true. Nina was his daughter through and through, but so far there was no sign of any mutant abilities in her. As far as anybody was concerned right now she was just a normal human.

Which was normal. Erik hadn’t discovered his abilities until he was in his teens. Charles had told him he’d only developed his at age nine one of the last times they’d spoken, filling each other in on their histories in a way they hadn’t allowed themselves to before. Honestly and with the hope of allowing themselves to be completely known by another person.

He shook the thoughts away, trying to recall what other mutants had said. Emma had been similar to Erik’s age when she’d become telepathic and Janos and Azazel hadn’t taken part in the conversation. Raven was different. She’d been born that way. But then again, Raven was always different.

But Nina was only five.

“There’s no point planning for a future that might not happen,” he murmured, despite the fact that he had been waiting for his daughter to show a sign of her powers since she’d been born. He’d always thought he would teach her himself but Magda was right. Nina would need other people, and Charles- Charles knew just what each person needed to learn, what buttons to push and what subjects to avoid.

Erik had used to think it was the telepathy, and maybe in extreme situations it had been, but mostly it was just Charles and his way with people.

“We’ll figure it out when we come to it.” He finished, staring up at their bedroom ceiling. He should repaint it, the white was beginning to seem more yellow and sun-stained than clean.

“Alright.” Magda said after a beat. “You know more about this than I do so, if that’s what you think is best.”

“It is.” Erik had replied and he’d hoped he was making the right choice.

Now, after everything that happened with Apocalypse, he wasn’t sure he had.

What had Charles seen in his mind during their brief conversation, he wondered as he helped cause the end of the world. Apocalypse’s power ran through him, amplifying his own, and all over the globe he caused the metal to come apart and bend to his will. Tearing the world apart.

Had Charles seen that memory where Erik refused to bring his family to the mansion? He hoped not, but if he had- what had he thought? How had he felt? Did he blame Erik, just like Erik blamed himself?

_“You’re going to take part in all this killing? Destruction?”_

_“It’s all I’ve ever known.”_

_“No it isn’t. You’ve just forgotten.”_

No, Charles didn’t blame him. Even if he had seen the memories- he must have, he’d looked in Erik’s mind to know what had happened- he still thought Erik was someone worth saving. Someone worth believing in.

_“I told you from the moment I met you there is more to you, Erik. There is good in you too.”_

He’d rejected him then, because when faced with Charles right there, lying in front of him, Erik didn’t know how to get along with him after everything that had happened. The people he’d lost, the things Apocalypse had shown him and the things that he’d already helped him do. Too much had happened for Erik to agree with his friend and see the point in trying to save himself, or the humans who had hurt him too many times.

But now it wasn’t just him who needed saving anymore.

_“I’m going to fight for what I have left. Are you?”_

Charles was the one in danger now. Erik had thought- what? That Charles would give in and let Apocalypse use him? He’d believed Apocalypse wouldn’t hurt him because Charles would eventually see there was no choice, the same way the rest of them had when they’d joined him.

But Charles was stronger than them. Of course he hadn’t given in. Of course he would fight back.

And lose.

As strong as Charles was, he was no match for this. He needed help or he would be overpowered and killed.

Erik had thought he had nothing left, that he’d burned his bridges and lost everything. But Mystique was right. Even if Charles had finally seen the danger Erik was to them all and given up on him, Erik wasn’t willing to do the same. He’d tried, but it was impossible.

Mystique and Charles were still out there and if Erik didn’t do something then soon he really would have nobody left.

A tear fell. He turned towards the fight and let the magnetic field around him drop.

He would not be a man who just followed orders and let the people he cared about die. He wouldn’t let innocent people get hurt just because someone told him to.

Erik knew what that led to and though it had taken him this long and for Charles to be in danger before he finally saw the truth, now that he did there wasn’t a doubt in his mind.

He went to go and join the X-Men.

* * *

The ride back to the mansion is quiet and extremely awkward.

Erik is ignored by everyone. Or rather, Erik seems happy to stand at the end of the plane and glower at anybody who comes near him so they give up quickly and stick to each other instead. Charles is laid on the cot they keep on the plane near the front and initially he’s too tired to be completely aware of their situation but after a couple of hours rest he wakes up and is confronted with a very relieved Moira.

“Charles.” She grins brightly at him and he can’t help but return it because- it’s Moira. There’s something about her that just calms him. “I’m glad you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

“Oh you know,” he grimaces as he pushes himself up to sit. “Like I was nearly killed by an ancient godlike mutant.”

The words are barely out of his mouth before the entire X-Jet shudders and Charles grabs the nearest handholds he can reflexively.

Hank looks back from where he’s sitting in the pilot’s chair beside Raven. “Erik!”

The tone makes it clear this isn’t the first time Hank’s had to reprimand the other man and when Charles follows his gaze he’s met with the sight of Erik sitting at the very end of the plane, glowering back at the pilot. For an instant he meets Charles’ eyes but just as quickly he looks down at the floor with a scowl.

The plane does stop shaking though. The children, who are all sitting near Charles at the front of the plane, let out relieved breaths. Scott glares at Erik but when he sees Charles watching he immediately stops and turns to resume speaking with Jean.

“Er-” Charles begins to call him over, full of so many questions, but Moira interrupts him by leaning in closer to whisper.

“He does that. Anytime you so much as made a noise in your sleep. He didn’t believe you were okay.”

Charles frowned and finally looked away from Erik to her. “Why is he all the way over there?”

“Charles. Come on.”

“What?”

“He just tried to take over the world,” Moira stressed. “This is… so much worse than anything he’s ever done before. We’re not exactly sure what to do with him.”

“To _do_ with him?”

“Even if he was trying to talk to the rest of us, it’s not like we would even know what to say. He’s only here because of you.”

“Me?”

“You passed out before he came and found us after Apocalypse was defeated. Raven said he wanted to wait until you were up to make sure you really were alright. She’s the one who told him to just come back with us.”

“He has nowhere else to go,” Charles murmured to himself, remembering the memories of what happened to Erik’s family.

“That’s no one’s fault but his own.” Moira says, but when Charles frowns at her she relents. “Okay, enough about him. You are okay right? No pain, not even a headache?”

“I’m okay.” His head was throbbing a bit now that she mentioned it but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. He wouldn’t try using his telepathy for a while and it should be fine. “Did I really do that? Talk to everyone in the world?”

“Best we can tell, yeah.” Moira doesn’t look happy about it. “Hank’s been listening to the radio and my superiors have been in contact. They want to speak with you.”

He tenses.

“Not like that.” She reassures. “At least, I don’t think so. You guys saved the world. I think the president wants to thank you.”

“Really?” Charles sits back in surprise. His eyes take in the sight of his students, some asleep, some talking quietly like Scott and Jean, and others, like Peter and Ororo, hesitantly watching each other and speaking in short and stilted sentences.

And then Erik, all alone at the end. Not even Raven is with him, instead she’s up with Hank, and when she looks back at Charles her smile is genuinely relieved.

He returns it.

“Moira, thank you for checking on me but I think I’d like a few hours before I need to think about all of that.”

“Of course.” She smiles. “Do you want anything?”

He shook his head. “I’ll speak to Erik.”

That wipes the happiness from her face. “Charles…”

“What?” He challenges. “He fought with us in the end, didn’t he? You wouldn’t let him be here otherwise.”

He’s not sure what exactly happened, and right now he’s too tired to hear the entire story.

“He helped.” She admitted. “But it was you and Jean who-”

“That doesn’t matter.” Charles says and he believes it. Who cares who dealt the last blow when it took each and every one of them to bring Apocalypse down?

Erik had changed his mind, and maybe if it had been too late Charles wouldn’t be nearly so calm about everything that had come before it, but that wasn’t the case. It hadn’t been too late. They were all here, all alive, and they’d even picked up a new face along the way.

Ororo saw him looking and Charles tried to appear welcoming as he smiled. She turned back to Peter almost immediately but something about her shoulders seemed more… relaxed.

“Doesn’t matter? Charles-”

“Someone needs to speak to him. Who do you think he’s most likely to talk to?”

Moira knows she can’t refute that and Charles is glad when she drops it. She doesn’t look happy but honestly right now Charles doesn’t care.

“It will be fine. Erik won’t hurt me.”

He doesn’t miss the way her eyes glance at his legs and he tries not to let his irritation show. She’s perfectly right to doubt him when she has no idea what it’s like between them. To be fair Charles isn’t entirely certain where things stand between him and Erik either after… everything. From all Moira’s seen and knows from her regained memories, Erik is just as much of a threat as Apocalypse was.

Charles knows better. He might not be certain of what will come next between them, but he knows Erik won’t hurt him. Not like that. He had been willing to let Apocalypse use Charles’ powers, but he would bet his entire fortune that Erik didn’t realize that the plan was for Apocalypse to kill him in the process. He refuses to believe Erik would allow that.

Again he catches those steely eyes and for a second he sees something past the hard exterior- something warm and relieved and scared.

“I’ll be fine.” He repeats and doesn’t back down at Moira’s long look.

“Alright then.” She murmurs, and then she stands from his cot to take her seat across the plane.

_Erik?_

He sees as Erik visibly jumps and casts wild eyes over to him. Charles meets it with one raised eyebrow and a jerk of his head at the spot Moira had just vacated.

Indecision is written clearly in every line of his face.

_I’m too weak to get up right now and I’m not keen to use my telepathy more than I need to. Would you rather we shouted at each other across the plane in front of them all?_

That does the trick and despite his displeased look Erik stands and makes his way over. Both of them valiantly ignore the fact that the others all immediately go quiet.

Erik doesn’t sit.

Charles rolls his eyes. “Don’t be stupid.”

“Charles-”

“Erik, I’m not in the mood. Just…” He trails off, gesturing at the space on the cot by his legs.

Erik sits. Neither of them speak for a few minutes.

“Are you going to talk to me about hope, heroism and doing the right thing?”

“No.” Charles continues to search his face. He looks exhausted. “I’m going to ask whether you’re alright.”

Erik’s eyes shoot to his. “Alright?” He repeats after a short silence. “I wouldn’t say so, no.”

“No.” Charles repeats, lamenting at his own foolish hopes. “I suppose not.”

The silence is thick and heavy between them until Erik clears his throat and breaks it. “You’re alright?”

He sounds… intense. The reassurances Charles had given Moira die on the tip of his tongue and he looks away. “I don’t know.”

His telepathy is fine, just overused and overstretched. His body feels as if he’s just run a marathon without training. Emotionally… he’s exhausted. The reminders of Cain and Kurt haven’t done him any favours, and on top of everything else that’s happened he doesn’t know what to process first.

The family Erik had left him for is dead and Charles feels Erik’s grief as if it was his own. The pain that his friend so obviously feels is hard to see, for many reasons. Jean looks shaken from their fight against Apocalypse, Peter has a broken leg and other injuries, Ororo looks hunted, Raven and Hank are talking quietly between themselves, Moira is staring at Charles and Erik with narrowed eyes and Charles feels too emotionally wrung out to deal with everything.

He’s not in immediate danger or pain but he’s not confident enough to claim he’s safe from anything else.

Luckily Erik knows what he means. For all their years apart they still understand one another, and their powers are something they both share. Just as Charles had helped Erik master his, Erik had been there as Hank and him had experimented with his telepathy. Building Cerebro, recovering when he overstretched himself and hours of practice and communication had made Erik just as much of an expert on Charles’ telepathy as Hank, if not Charles himself.

“He overstretched your powers, didn’t he?”

Charles almost laughs. “Among other things.”

Erik frowns and Charles knows he isn’t happy with that answer. “Physically you’re fine?”

Subconsciously his hand comes to rest on Charles’ left leg and for a brief intense moment Charles wishes that he could feel it.

“Yes. Apart from this.” He touches his bald scalp.

Erik’s lips twitch. “I think it’s a good look. You should keep it that way.”

“Like hell I will.” Charles retorts. “I hope it doesn’t take long to regrow.”

“But it’s so…”

“I will get Hank to throw you from this plane.”

“I’d just attach myself to the bottom.” Erik counters and he actually looks amused. “Maybe it’s a good thing. You needed a haircut.”

“Excuse you! That’s the style these days you know.”

“It was too long.”

But he catches the tail end of Erik’s thoughts, feels the heat from them, and knows suddenly that Erik hadn’t hated his hair long at all.

He shies away from that quickly. “Maybe it was a bit long.” He concedes, if only to move along the subject. “But I can promise you this will not be a permanent look.”

“Pity.” Erik’s lips twitch. “You look so distinguished. Like an egg.”

Charles doesn’t try and hide how insulted he is at that. “At least this was involuntary. Better than your stupid cape and helmet.”

“I like my cape.” Erik looks put out. “And as you can see-”

“-no helmet.” Charles finishes, looking back at Erik’s vacated seat and the helmet that is sitting innocently underneath it. “Why is that, I wonder?”

“Please. There’s nothing left for me to hide from you.”

That makes Charles frown.

“What?”

He shook his head. Maybe it’s the painkillers that are working their way through his system- thank you, Moira- but he finds he can’t parse out why exactly that statement had made his mood turn so quickly.

“Besides,” Erik continued. “I’m here begging for forgiveness and a temporary home. Not exactly in a position to piss you off.”

Charles chooses to focus on the latter half of that statement at the moment. “Why do I get the feeling that won’t stop you?”

They share a small smile. “Maybe. But not like that. Not this time.”

“If you’re uncomfortable around me-”

“You know that’s not it, Charles.” Erik sighs, raking his hands through his hair before dragging them down his face tiredly. “There’s no plans for me to hide from you now. We’re not on opposite sides anymore.”

Charles freezes. “What?”

“I’m giving up.” Erik says simply and again Charles feels that same twist of displeasure. “The humans continue to take everything I care about away from me, but at this point I think the issue is that it’s me rather than because I’m a mutant. The rest of you…” He shook his head.

“We’ve all suffered.” Charles says gently.

Erik’s eyes flash and anger crosses his face swiftly before disappearing as he lets out a deep breath. Charles wishes he knew how to stop saying the wrong think to Erik all the time. “I know. But I’m so tired of it.”

Cautiously Charles reaches out to touch the top of his hand. “For what it’s worth, I know you’ve been through more than most. And I’m so very sorry, Erik.”

The hand he’s touching clenches in Erik’s lap. “It’s not your fault.”

“No.” He agrees. “But I’m sorry that it happened to you. You’re the last person I want to see suffer any more pain.”

Erik’s head snaps up so their eyes meet. He opens his mouth, goes to say something, but then closes it and looks away. A few seconds later he changes the topic swiftly. “You know, if I don’t get arrested as soon as we step back on American soil I’ll need a place to stay.”

Charles huffs. “Very subtle of you. I see being married hasn’t improved your tact at all.”

Erik looks affronted. “I don’t think you’re in any position to comment.”

“No?”

“No. Everyone knows you don’t just casually bring up someone’s dead family in conversation, Charles. Especially not to me. I’m a terrorist you know. With volatile emotions.”

“Right,” he scoffs before realizing what exactly Erik is saying and then he frowns. “Oh. Sorry.”

But Erik is shaking his head with his shark-like smile. “You know, you’re the only one I could say that to who would laugh.”

“Nobody else would know whether you were joking.” _Charles_ still wasn’t fully sure he hadn’t been serious.

“I guess.” Erik sighed. “I know it’s selfish for me to talk about my family with you.”

“No, Erik, not at all.”

He gets ignored. “But there’s no one else I’d want to share them with.”

Charles nods. “I understand. It’s not selfish. I don’t mind.”

The look they share is loaded. “I don’t know if I believe you, Charles.”

“I promise.” He says and then takes a risk and uses a bit of his telepathy to hide their conversation from the others. They’d all given up on listening ages ago when they spoke too quietly to eavesdrop on, but this was different. “Look, I won’t lie to you. You know I was hurt the last time we spoke all those years ago. But I don’t resent you having a family and finding some happiness for yourself, Erik.”

Erik stares at him. “Really?”

He nods. “I only hate that you didn’t want to do that with me.”

The other people in the plane might as well have been frozen for all Charles noticed them now. He and Erik stared at each other and he was so tempted to reach out and listen to what Erik was thinking, to know what put that expression on his face. He looked like he wanted to fight Charles and kiss him all at the same time.

Actually maybe that was just Erik’s usual expression around him.

“Charles-”

He can’t stand to hear Erik’s apologies, or pity, or whatever condolences are about to come out of his mouth so he just shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have- this isn’t about us, Erik. I just wanted you to know that if you need- if you want to talk about your family with me I am more than willing to listen.” He pauses significantly. “I am here for you. Just like you were here for me today.”

Erik visibly gathers himself. “Who’s to say I didn’t come and fight for the X-Men?”

“Please.” Charles rolls his eyes. “You don’t even know half of their names.”

“What can I say? Peter and I have a connection.”

Erik waits, obviously expecting him to laugh or smile or something, but Charles freezes. Does he know? Had Peter finally told him? Surely not, Erik would have been smothering the boy if that was the case, not sitting alone at the end of the plane refusing to speak to anybody but Charles.

This was a new problem, Charles thought with a sinking stomach. Before he hadn’t known about Peter being Erik’s father because Peter hadn’t known. Now… well it was practically the only thing the boy was thinking about the entire plane ride home.

He felt guilty doing it but he feigned ignorance. Peter hadn’t officially told anybody but Raven, and Charles was not prepared to deal with this new knowledge right now. Knowledge he wasn’t even technically supposed to have and that nobody knew he did.

Later, he promised while looking back at Erik. He would talk to Peter later before doing anything else. “I’m surprised you remember his name.”

“Please, he broke me out of the Pentagon. It’s the least I could do.”

This time Charles did laugh, and he noticed the pleased look Erik wore at the sound. “That’s true.”

They fell quiet for a bit before Charles broke it. “Of course you can stay with us. And Moira said the president has requested I meet with him. I’m going to try and get him to pardon you.”

Now Erik chuckled but this time it was skeptical. “That’s unlikely.”

“Why? You didn’t kill the President.”

“No, I just tried to stop the hired assassin who did.”

“And who do you think hired that assassin? Nixon’s been out of office a long time Erik, anybody who could have been connected to that is long gone and condemned by the American public. You were on the right side.”

“And the football stadium?”

Charles hesitated. “Again, you were acting against Nixon who isn’t exactly the most loved of American historical figures…”

“Charles, come on. I know you’re an optimist but all of that, on top of the things I did for Apocalypse, means I’m never going to be a free man in America again.”

“Apocalypse made me do things too. I’m not going to get arrested.”

“You think.” Erik replied, less certain, before shaking his head. “You were used against your will.”

“Well.” Charles said. “Maybe you were too.”

Erik looks over.

“They don’t know you weren’t.” Charles says defensively. “And we’re the only witnesses.”

“Charles…”

“I don’t want you to go to jail.” Charles snaps. “You served your time for the things you and the Brotherhood did after Cuba. I think they would forgive the rest.”

“Because you wouldn’t give them a choice.”

“Because it would be the right thing to do.”

“You think they care about doing the right thing?” Erik scoffs. “They would only pardon me because they were too scared of what you would do to them if they didn’t. I don’t see that as fair.”

“Do you want to be locked up again then?”

Erik stopped talking. “You know I don’t.”

“Then that’s it. Nothing else to discuss.”

Erik stared at him and Charles stared right back, daring him to say anything else.

“Fine.” The metallokinetic said finally. “Have it your way.”

They changed the topic but Charles could see Erik was still preoccupied. He wondered if he really had heard the end of it and hoped that was the case. He wasn’t willing to discuss himself bending his morals for Erik.

Thankfully Erik didn’t bring it up again. Though he did remain right where he was for the rest of the ride back and they spoke the entire flight home.

Charles tried not to get his hopes up.

* * *

Erik felt the metal enter the mansion but he didn’t go down. Half an hour went by and Jean and Scott’s voices came from the hallway, loud enough that Erik heard the words through the closed door.

He waited until the wheelchair came up the elevator to stop just outside the door of Charles’ office before turning the knob to make it swing open. Charles appeared surprised as the door revealed Erik sitting there in a black turtleneck and jeans in the one armchair beside the chess board. “Care for a game?”

“Yes actually.” Charles wheeled forward looking amused. “It’s been a long day.”

“So I heard.” Erik waved over the glasses and drink. The metal bottoms he’d put on before Cuba were still there and allowed him to pour them both a healthy amount without getting up from his seat. He took in the suit jacket draped over the arm of Charles’ wheelchair, the white button up and black slacks. “Pardons for everybody and a thank you from the president himself. Impressive.”

“You’re included in that you know.” Charles murmured and still Erik didn’t look up. “One of the pardons was for you. For everything.”

He felt his mouth twist as their earlier discussion came back to mind. “How far did you have to go in his mind to manipulate him into that?”

“I would never.”

Now he looks up and their eyes meet. Charles looks earnest and there’s no sign that he’s lying, but Erik can’t help but feel that he is, nonetheless.

That was the thing with Charles. When it came down to it, he was one of the most powerful people on earth and there was nothing but his morals to stop him from doing exactly what Apocalypse had wanted. There was a reason he’d wanted Charles. Ororo wasn’t enough, Psylocke wasn’t enough, even Erik couldn’t give him world domination. But Charles?

Charles could be invited into the president’s home and infiltrate the entire government over a cup of tea before leaving with none of them any bit the wiser. He took his morals seriously but when it came to the people he loved- which included Erik, and they both knew it- he would bend them. He had before.

And Erik finds it hard to believe that he hadn’t done that today. There was no way the president would allow him to remain a free man from one conversation with him.

But he’s not in the mood to fight about that right now.

“If you say so.”

Charles seems happy to let the topic drop and he comes forward to sit at the other side of the chess board. “I’m surprised you’re still here.”

Erik looks down at their unfinished game from years ago. Still sitting there, despite all the time that had passed. He’d been in this office since eating dinner and he kept finding his attention drawn to that game over and over.

What had it been like for Charles, he wondered, to see it every day? Erik had been bad enough without the physical reminders of their time together. Charles had stayed in this mansion, looking out over the satellite, using the Cerebro that they designed, sleeping next to the room that still held Erik’s old things and he hadn’t gotten rid of any of it. Even in that first decade when his anger and depression had been fresh and strong.

He’d always thought that he’d been the more miserable of the two of them, because he’d suffered from his guilt and rejection and had to leave behind the first home he’d had since his parents died, but maybe he’d been wrong. Maybe Charles had been right all this time and their pain hadn’t been a matter of who felt it more but instead who dealt with it better.

Maybe neither of them had dealt with it well at all.

“I won’t leave again without saying goodbye.” Erik finally answers, looking up from the half-finished game sitting between them. “When I go, you’ll know.”

“When?”

Erik nods and finally picks up his glass from the side table. “I can’t stay here, Charles.”

For a moment his old friend looks disappointed before it’s replaced by casualness. “Why not?”

He doesn’t mask his incredulousness. “Be serious.”

“I am. Why can’t you stay? This is my school. My home. I can share it with whoever I like.”

“The others wouldn’t like that very much.”

“They wouldn’t mind.” Charles says quietly and Erik scoffs. “Really. The younger ones aren’t afraid of you, Erik, they’re just wary because of the stories Hank’s told them. But if you were here every day you could easily change their minds.”

He raised an eyebrow. “And what about dear Hank? Or Mystique for that matter? It’s not the kids who hate me, Charles, it’s them.”

“Raven doesn’t hate you.”

“She doesn’t like me either.”

Erik catches the surprised look before it’s also hidden quickly. “I don’t think that’s true.”

He cocked his head. “You don’t know?”

“You know I don’t read her mind.”

“Yes, but… you’ve lived with her for the last ten years. I would have thought her feelings would have been obvious.” He pauses before adding, “she’s not exactly shy.”

“We didn’t talk about you. I didn’t-” Erik sees the telltale signs of Charles getting ready to shut down. The shifty eyes, the tense and stilted words. He wonders how he feels at the surprising statement and realizes that he’s hurt, though he has no right to be. He’d never assume Charles cared enough about what happened between them to mope or need to talk about it with the others. “She talks with Hank more than anyone.”

Ah. He moves on. “I know Hank hates me.”

“Hank is the nicest person in this entire mansion,” Charles said wearily. “The most forgiving too. I think you’d be surprised.”

“Charles.”

“Erik.”

Their eyes hold. Charles looks away first.

“Why don’t you want to stay?” He asks softly, so quiet it’s nearly a whisper. “If it’s- if you’re worried we’ll become… closer, again, you don’t have to be. I wouldn’t-”

Erik leans back in his chair in an effort to escape the words as they hang there. “That’s not it.”

“I fail to see what else it could be.”

“I…” He looks away too, frustration making his tongue clumsy. He wishes the conversation was in German or Polish but suspects that wouldn’t really help either. “It’s not that.”

“Erik.” Charles’ looks nervous and as soon as he finishes his sentence Erik understands why. “I know I’m not your family. Not like Magda and Nina.”

“Don’t Charles.”

But his friend only hesitates for a moment. “I know nothing will replace them and I’m not trying to. But I know that you’re in pain and I just want to say- you’re not alone, Erik.”

They stare at each other for a long time.

“Are you in my head?”

“No.”

“Can you feel my emotions?”

“No. My shields are up.”

It only takes a second for Erik to decide. “Lower them. Come in.”

Blue eyes widen and if he hadn’t been convinced Charles wasn’t in his head before, he would be now. He’s managed to shock him and that wouldn’t be possible if Charles was lying and knew what he was going to say before he said it.

“Just do it.” Erik presses on before Charles can question, or argue, or whatever he’d opened his mouth to do. “It’s easier than trying to find the words.”

It’s interesting how he can feel Charles’ mind tentatively brush against his. Years have passed since they’ve done this, if you didn’t count the last time while Erik was with Apocalypse, but he’s still able to feel it and know exactly where Charles is. The most recent memories are first, of today as Erik waited alone in Charles’ office for him to come back today, watching the interview with him and the president on the news, spotting Mystique, Moira, Jean and Hank in the audience. Then recalling this past week of them all settling back in, trying to find a new routine, a new normal. Erik had been hiding in the house, sticking to his room, Charles’ office or the kitchen when he knew it was deserted, doing his absolute best to avoid everybody but Charles.

Even Mystique seemed to have given up on him. She respected him enough for choosing to come back and help them but that was as far as it went. They hadn’t spoken since arriving home.

Charles brushes past all of that with barely a glimpse, pausing slightly at the memory of Erik fighting Apocalypse with the others and his barely restrained worry when he’d finally joined them all only to find Charles unconscious.

_Moira said you’d been shaking the plane._

_You kept making noises in your sleep,_ he replied tersely, wanting to move on. _Like you were in pain._

 _I was a bit._ Charles said musingly, like it’s an interesting fact he learned from one of his books. _But nothing you had to worry about._

 _Well I didn’t know that, did I?_ Erik retorts. _Anyway, not that. Hurry up._

Though it’s physically painful to do it he remembers his grief and pain over his wife and daughter. The emotions that Apocalypse had taken advantage of and twisted to make him join his cause. He delves further, bringing up his feelings of Charles in connection to his family, trying to make the former understand.

Magda and Nina were separate from his life as Magneto and therefore his life here in America. He’d changed himself to become a new person for them, leaving everything behind to do it, and so they had been safe. Safe not only from the enemies he had made, but safe for Erik to retreat to while hiding from what he used to be. A recluse for him as he’d realized he was tired and ready for something more than being so hateful and angry all the time.

They’d been a separate entity from Charles even, the only other person he had ever pictured a future with. At least they had been, once he’d been able to ignore the fact that he’d given up Charles to have them. Even though his feelings for Charles were complicated and they’d never gone away. It was just that with Magda and Nina he had never had to face his lingering past because there was nothing there to remind him of his old life.

So it’s not that he’s scared of the new generation of X-Men becoming his new family. The kids seem fine, and he’s comfortable in the mansion. He’s not young and desperate for a fight anymore. He could see himself settling here.

He’s not hiding because he doesn’t want to replace his family; that’s never going to happen and he knows it.

It’s more that he needs to become his own person now for the first time in ages. This is the first time in his adult life that he hasn’t been hunting Nazi’s or on the run from a government and hiding who he is.

It’s time, he thinks, to find out who he is when he has the chance. And if he grows attached to these people he won’t want to leave. He already doesn’t want to leave because of Charles, and that will be hard enough. Anything more will be impossible.

Charles pulls out of his head with a frown. “But you know who you are.”

He shrugs. “Maybe I want to experience the world a bit. Without the threat of Shaw or the government hanging over me.”

Charles is quiet for a while. “I don’t understand.”

He shrugs. “I don’t know how to explain. I just know I can’t move in here right after everything that’s happened and the people I’ve lost. I can’t be around-”

He stops but it’s too late. Charles looks hurt. “You can’t be around me.”

“That’s not it. Not entirely.” He tries to find any words that would explain. “It’s what you represent to me, Charles. I don’t feel like I deserve to have that so soon after losing Magda and Nina.”

Charles doesn’t look any happier but he at least looks contemplative too. Minutes tick by.

“I had hoped you would teach.”

Erik blinks out of staring at him, startled. “Me?”

He rolled his wheelchair anxiously. Erik resisted the urge to hold the metal in place to stop his fidgeting. “The kids listen to you, the few times you’re around them, whether you realize or not. And I think you’d be very good at it.”

He does stop the chair now, knowing what Charles’ real concern is. “Charles. This doesn’t mean I won’t come back.”

His friend’s lips twitch. Erik tries not to get distracted. “I’ll just wait for the next global threat to bring us back together, shall I?” Erik sees his knuckles whiten on the wheelchair’s arms. “I’m sorry. I didn’t- I don’t know why I said that.”

He accepts that because he knows where Charles is coming from. It’s what makes him gather his courage. “I need to grieve, Charles. And I can’t do that here.” Their eyes meet. “Do you understand?”

“I would never want to get in the way of that.” He says softly. “I just-”

“What?”

He shakes his head but Erik knows it’s at himself. His smile is self-mocking. “I don’t want to be alone again.”

It hurts him to hear it. In the end all he can reply with is, “we’ll have to learn to trust each other again, Charles. If I can let go of my helmet then surely you can learn to trust that I won’t leave you again.”

“Again.” Charles repeats, rolling the word around in his mouth. Erik flinches but Charles doesn’t notice. “Yes I suppose I’ll have to.” He shook his head suddenly, pushing up his unbuttoned shirt sleeves. “Now. Shall we finish this?”

He gestures to the game and Erik smiles. “Best two of three?”

“If you’re up for it.”

“I am. Though if you’re too old to stay up that late then-”

“Excuse you!”

“-then we can always finish when I come back.” Their eyes meet and he waits, needing to know that when he does leave it won’t be like last time. It won’t be abandonment. Charles will know he’s not alone again.

Charles nods. Something in Erik settles.

“Right enough stalling. All the time in the world won’t stop me from kicking your arse.”

Erik laughs. “We’ll see about that.”

He loses but at the look on Charles’ face he finds it doesn’t sting as much as it might have before. The next game is closer but again he’s defeated and it is only the third time they fight that Erik comes out victorious.

By then they’re both exhausted and it’s only common sense to put the board away and go to bed. Erik floats Charles’ wheelchair to his bedroom door and stops with him outside of it. His own room is right across the hall, four strides away, and the two of them hesitate in the dark.

“Good night, Erik.” Charles is the braver one.

“Good night.” He replies, but he watches Charles leave and stays standing in the hallway for another few minutes, wondering if he’s doing the right thing.

He stays another two weeks but by then enough is enough. Jean has taken an interest in him and Erik does his best to keep his shields up lest anything she doesn’t need to know slips. And since Jean is hovering all the time that means Scott is too.

It’s time to go.

Neither he nor Charles are entirely happy about it but it’s their least hurtful goodbye yet.

Erik chooses to think of that as progress.


	6. Chapter 6

Two years later Erik announces he wants to retire on a small tract of land and make his own safe space for mutants.

Charles tries not to feel hurt.

“What?” Erik pesters him as he follows Charles to his office. “I thought you’d have loved this!”

How could he have ever thought that?

“It’s a brilliant idea.” Charles says. “How big a space do you need? I could help speed the process along.”

“I don’t need you to mind control anybody just for me to buy some land, Charles. And I can see you’re angry, don’t change the subject.”

“I meant I could put a word in with someone in government, make it a grant instead of you needing to buy it. Save your money.”

What little you have, he thinks uncharitably as they made it out of the elevator. How Erik had been able to afford all the traveling he’d done the past couple of years Charles didn’t know and he wasn’t about to insult his friend by asking.

But then he felt bad because obviously it wasn’t the money he cared about. He’d never cared about money, he knew it wasn’t a way to judge people, it was just… he was mad.

He tried to keep that out of his tone as he spoke.

“I was just under the impression that when you finally settled you would be coming back here to teach, that’s all.” He’s only hired temporary history and combat teachers for that very reason.

Erik is quiet until they reach the office and though Charles wants to protest he keeps his mouth shut as Erik turns the knob and opens the door for them both and then closes it behind them.

“That’s your dream, Charles, not mine.”

“Yes. I was mistaken, obviously.”

“I said I would come back, I didn’t say-”

“I already said I was wrong.” Charles says and he pretends to go through papers on his desk only to avoid Erik’s gaze and keep his own hands busy. “It’s a lovely idea.”

“This is a place for young mutants, Charles. But where are older ones like you and me supposed to go? People who don’t want to be students or teachers or live off of your charity?”

He freezes and can see the look on Erik’s face that clearly says he hadn’t meant to let those words out.

“My charity.” He repeats.

Erik swallows. “This entire school’s economy runs on your trust fund.”

“Parents pay for their kids to come here-”

“That price doesn’t match the expenses and you know it. You give them cheap rates.”

“Well why wouldn’t I? When I can afford to?”

“And there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m just saying I couldn’t comfortably stay here knowing my pay cheque comes from your personal money.”

Charles nods. “I see.”

He sees Erik grit his teeth in frustration. “You don’t. You’re taking this all wrong.”

“Fine then.” He snaps and finally turns to face him. “Then explain it to me. Explain how you running away from me again and travelling for two years before deciding you finally want to settle down on your own land, far away from me and my school because you can’t stand the thought of living here, is meant to come across? Living here off of money you’d have earned disgusts you just because the cheque was signed by me doesn’t exactly seem like a compliment. After leading me to believe that being here together was what we both wanted- what other way am I supposed to take that? You know, I thought we had moved past this, Erik.”

“What?”

“This! The uncertainty, being scared and unable to commit to what we both know we want.”

Erik’s face clouded. “You’re reading my mind.”

“I am not! But let me remind you, every time you’ve visited over these past two years you’ve left with the promise that you’ll come back.” He glared. “And don’t pretend I’m the only one who feels this way. Don’t betray me like that.”

Erik’s mouth works. “I was going to ask you to come with me.”

He stops mid-rant. “What?”

“To the land I buy. We could start over fresh, in a new place with new people. Hank and Raven can run the X-Men and the school, they’re more than capable, and I know you don’t like politics. You’re just letting other people drag you into becoming a politician because you think you’ll be helping everyone else.”

“I can do good there.” Charles is still reeling from Erik’s admission and he answers distractedly. “I…what are you saying?”

“I want to be with you.” Erik says. “However you want to be with me. You’re right, we both know it. But I can’t do it here, Charles.”

He strode forward to fall in front of Charles on his knees and suddenly he’s reminded of the night 20 years ago when Erik left to try and save President Kennedy. The night they last kissed.

“I’ll buy the land and build us a house and we can just…”

“What?” Charles smiled sadly. “Leave? Retire? When we still have work we can do?”

“Mutants are accepted. I didn’t think it was possible, but they are. What else can we do but give those who need it a safe space to live and grow apart from the humans if they choose?”

Charles’ throat feels thick. If only Erik had said all of this two decades ago.

“That’s what I’m doing here, Erik.”

“It’s what you’ve done. But _I_ can’t be here.” His eyes are searching and Charles resists the urge to look away. “You’ve done what you set out to do for everyone else. Now it’s our turn. When do we get our break?”

He swallowed. “You would buy the land.”

Erik nodded. “It could be just the two of us, until eventually we can open it up to others who need a place to stay. A communal goods trading system, no money, no outside influences unless we have no other choice. I’d build anything you needed, get you anything you could want.”

Charles swallowed again and when he spoke his voice was heavy. “How is that any different from you living off my charity?”

Erik stopped.

“You don’t want to live in a space where I provide everything for you. You want independence.” Charles looked down at his useless legs. “I know how dependent I am on you all already. I don’t need to become even more useless.”

“That’s not what it would be at all. We’d be partners.”

“Oh? And what would I do there Erik, in your mutant safe haven, when there’s no need for money or another leader? Teach?”

Erik closed his mouth.

Yes, teach. Talking was all Charles was good for these days, it seemed, whether it was teaching or diplomacy.

“I’m already established here.” Charles says, thinking of the renovations he’d made to the mansion for accessibility while refusing to focus on anything else, including the feeling in his chest. “It makes sense for me to stay. I- it would be too much trouble just to end up with the same thing.”

He sees Erik’s hands clench in the fabric of Charles’ trousers, though he doesn’t actually feel it. “You could be with me.”

Charles let his eyes fall closed. “We’d fall apart. We always do.”

“Two minutes ago you said you wanted-”

“Two minutes ago you told me you were leaving and I would have said anything to make you stay. But you’re right. You refuse to stay here and I can’t leave this place. I have too many ties. We can’t be together.”

“Charles.”

“I’ll speak to somebody about getting you some land. Enough for a small community to flourish.” He rolls back, away from where Erik is kneeling in front of him. “Will you stay here until it’s sorted?”

Erik stands and both of them feel the widened space keenly. “If you’ll let me.”

“You know you’ll always have a home here.” Charles says but he turns around so he doesn’t have to look at Erik anymore. “Was that all? I have some paperwork to do, but I’d love to hear about South America at dinner tonight.”

“Sure.” Erik says and Charles knows he’s unhappy.

The door doesn’t slam but somehow the soft sound of it closing is almost worse.

Erik doesn’t show up downstairs for dinner. Charles tries not to let that hurt even though he’d considered doing the exact same thing.

* * *

These days Erik is trying to live his life in a way that will make himself happy and that is why he’s waiting in Charles’ room when the other man comes back from dinner.

He knew this was the best bet. Charles wouldn’t want to go to his office, not only because Erik was more likely to wait for him in there but also because there wasn’t a chance Charles was going to get any more work done or focus on anything else tonight. Erik knew that once something upset him it wasn’t until the issue was resolved that Charles could really get over it. He obsessed, and their argument earlier was just the kind of thing that would eat away at him.

Luckily, or perhaps not, Erik was just as desperate to put this whole thing behind them.

Charles’ words from earlier kept running in a loop in his head. He’d tried, since Apocalypse, to become accustomed to talking about and handling Charles’ disability in a tactful way. He’d done his best to get over his ignorance and learn everything he’d need to learn. Ten years in Poland had given him time to learn the theoretical stuff, not that there was much out there for him to find and read (paraplegics weren’t the hot cultural topic at that point in time), but he’d still managed to miss something that should have seemed obvious.

If he felt dependant on Charles now- and he did, he always had whenever they were together just because they lived in this house and off of Charles’ money- then of course Charles would feel the same if he came to live in a place started and run by Erik.

But he hadn’t given Erik a chance to explain that it would be them both running Genosha (a temporary name for now but one that Erik found he rather liked). It wouldn’t be Erik doing everything for Charles, it would be mutual. A partnership. It would be like those first few months they’d known one another, working together in tandem as an effective team.

They’d been amazing together back then. Despite the debates over moral, philosophy and politics they’d accomplished more together in a such a short amount of time than anyone had thought possible. Erik misses that so badly he’s surprised he doesn’t ache from it- maybe, sometimes, late at night when he’s lying away and reflecting on his life he does- but now there’s a chance for them to have that back and he’s willing to fight for it.

He doesn’t open the door to hint that he’s there, he just waits for Charles to come to him. But he should have known Charles wouldn’t be fooled.

If there was one thing the helmet had been good for, it had been surprising Charles and allowing Erik to hide and keep the upper hand when he wanted to surprise the X-Men. Instead tonight Charles open the door to his own bedroom and looks at him unhappily.

“I’m really not in the mood to do this tonight Erik.”

“Too bad.” He says simply. He stays seated on the edge of the mattress, his knees almost up to his shoulders because the bed is so low but he doesn’t mind. “We need to talk about this.”

“What’s there to say that we haven’t already?”

Erik locks the door before he answers, ignoring Charles’ glare at the click of the metal sliding home. “You misunderstood what I said before.”

“I’m almost sure I didn’t-”

“I want you by my side.” Erik says and Charles snaps his mouth shut.

The wheelchair stops when there’s still several feet separating them. Erik wishes Charles had come closer but he can understand why he didn’t, as much as he hates it. They’re both breathing heavier than is really warranted as the words settle heavily between them.

“Erik.”

He sounds warning. Erik ignores it.

“That hasn’t changed. That’s never changed, Charles, even at the worst moment-” He cut off, not meaning to dredge that all back up. Charles looks pained. “You know that already, don’t you?”

It’s not really a question but Charles nods. “And you know I wanted the same.”

The past tense doesn’t escape him.

“But you’re determined in your goal to create a new safe space for mutants. And I admire that, I really do.” He looked away, breaking their stare, and Erik took a deep breath. “But I’m established here.”

“It won’t be hard.” He said softly. “Everything will be made from scratch. We can make it exactly what you want, however you need.”

He saw Charles swallow. “I can’t leave here.”

“What’s holding you back? The kids? Mystique?”

Charles looked away. “She’s my family.”

He tries not to let his hurt at that show. “Right.”

Charles won’t go with him. Erik understands that in that moment. His friend has always felt responsible for everybody and that isn’t changing any time soon.

But he meant what he said earlier too. He can’t stay. He still needs distance from here and everything it means to him, an embodiment of the enemies he’s fought, and he doesn’t see that changing in the near future either.

“Then you’re right. There’s nothing else for us to say.”

He stands and moves towards the door, reaching out to undo the lock and turn the handle but he stops himself when he looks back to see the expression on Charles’ face.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Charles-”

“I just wonder,” Charles was staring at him sadly. “How many times it’s possible for you to break my heart.”

Erik’s hand fell.

“I don’t want to leave you.” He says but it comes out closer to a whisper than any actual words. “I never have.”

“I know.” Charles’ voice breaks. “That’s what makes it hurt so much more. That’s why I never stop hoping that one day you’ll change your mind and come back to stay.”

“Oh _liebling_.” It slips out without Erik meaning it to. His latest experience with comforting someone was with his wife or daughter and the endearment isn’t out of place when it comes to Charles either. He strides over to Charles, bending down on one knee in front of him to cup his face in a gesture that has become familiar to him over time. “Don’t you know that I hope for the same?”

Charles’ smile is weak and watery and seems to come entirely out of nowhere. Erik is bewildered.

“There it is,” his old friend whispers, muscles moving slightly beneath Erik’s palms. “The end of my search for hope.”

“Wha-” Erik begins to ask but before he can Charles leans forward and kisses him, stealing any words he might have said right out of his mouth.

Th surprise doesn’t stop him from responding in kind as Charles’ lips move purposefully against his own. He isn’t entirely sure what this is- a goodbye kiss? Something more?- but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to take what he’s wanted so badly for so long when it’s being given freely.

He shifts a bit on his knee to lean forward and press himself more fully against the other man and he feels Charles shudder as Erik opens his mouth wide enough for his tongue to tentatively seek more from Charles’.

This is their first kiss in over twenty years. Charles isn’t the only one who’s overwhelmed.

They break away only when their necks begin to hurt from the angle and Erik senses the barely withheld panic coming from Charles through his telepathy. He tries to smile. “What do you say I bend back the arms of this wheelchair and we make out like horny teenagers.”

Charles blinks twice. “Erik the bed is right there.” But his lips twitch. “And I was thinking that we would do a lot more than just make out.”

Now that the panic attack seems to have been avoided Erik allows one moment of seriousness. “You’re sure?”

Charles smiled helplessly “I’ve always been sure of you.”

Erik swallowed and put a hand flat on the other man’s chest. “Charles. We don’t have to do this.”

Charles cocked his head. “I know. But I want to. Don’t you?”

He felt the brush against his mind and instead of shying away like he was momentarily tempted to do he opened up further. “You know I do.”

“Then let’s.” Charles breathed out while leaning towards him. “At least one more time.” He kissed Erik slowly before leaving him there frozen to wheel over to the bed. “Coming?”

“Yes.” Erik whispers and then clears his throat and turns around to go towards the bed and meet the man who’s waiting for him there.

Their lips crush together and it doesn’t take more than a brief second before they’re pushing closer, trying to eliminate all space between them. It’s a desperate, all encompassing feeling that sweeps through Erik, stronger than anything he’s felt for months. This only happens around Charles these days, this wanting and the vulnerability that comes with it. He’s too hardened to the rest of the world to allow anybody new in, but Charles has taken root inside of him in a way that he’s never been able to escape.

He hasn’t had this since Magda. He can’t stop now.

“Charles,” he breathes and the man below him whimpers.

“God it’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” Charles has thrown his head back, eyes closed as Erik kisses a trail down his neck.

“Too long,” Erik agrees in a whisper against his skin, but leaves it at that, because there’s no point trying to find someone to blame. From the way Charles shudders he suspects that the telepath isn’t too concerned with pointing fingers right now anyway.

Their movements are frantic but they go rather slow, all things considered. Erik doesn’t know about Charles, but he wants this to last. A small fragile part of him wants this to take as long as possible so it will give him more to savour in his memory when everything inevitably goes south and Erik ends up alone again.

He kisses across Charles’ chest and the noises his friend makes are obscene. It shouldn’t be this possible for someone to drive Erik insane so quickly. Charles bares his neck and Erik’s pulse races. Charles takes off Erik’s shirt and brushes a finger across his nipple and Erik groans, head falling because the breath rushes out of him in a gush, making him too weak to keep it up. Charles works his hand in Erik’s jeans and he loses track of everything except that single point of contact.

“Please,” he breathes and suddenly without warning Charles has opened his mind to him, engulfing Erik’s completely.

This. God, this is what he’d missed most of all on those dark lonely nights when he’d allowed himself to remember and give in to the undercurrent of lust within him. The feeling of Charles pleasure ricocheting off of his own. Surrounding and amplifying his own passion, stoking it into something so strong he feels that he either needs to reach the zenith or die from the sheer power of everything coursing through him.

They’re beyond needing words to express themselves now and all Erik gets is faint impressions from Charles. Wanting, desperation, insecurity followed by a small tinge of fear.

“Don’t,” he growls against Charles’ mouth, nipping at his lower lip in chastisement. _I want you more now than ever. That hasn’t changed._

The rush of warmth Charles send his way makes his toes curl.

Afterwards he’ll wonder if it shouldn’t have been more awkward than it was. Erik could count the number of times they’d actually physically been together on one hand, the numerous other experiences were only possible through Charles’ gift. And they hadn’t been intimate with each other since Charles was paralysed. With all of that on top of everything that had happened between them he would have expected more uncertainty.

Yet after that brief moment of Charles’ vulnerability over how he looks they move well past any doubts either of them may have had. Erik realizes with a jolt while kissing Charles that he’s never been more sure of anything in his entire life. This is what he wants.

He knows that Charles feels the same. Whatever misgivings they have about themselves, none of that carries over to how they think of each other. Erik trusts Charles with this and he knows Charles feels the same. There’s no more hesitation here.

When Charles tries to direct him helpfully Erik shushes him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. They’re moving slower now because both are scared to rush but the desperation is still there. Erik silences Charles with a kiss, hoping he’ll understand.

A warm wave of affection sent Erik’s way tells him that he does.

He’s not embarrassed now to admit he’s looking into what sex with paraplegics involves. It had felt like a childish hope at the time as he’d skimmed the books and articles with shaking fingers but now he’s glad he did. Charles seems grateful for it and Erik knows that the other man, someone who always hated being vulnerable and at a disadvantage, would not have relished needing to explain the changes his paralyses made between them.

Their connection makes it easy for Erik to check that he’s not doing anything wrong- there is a difference between learning something from books and putting it into practice after all- but he can feel that Charles is enjoying everything he does, which only makes the pleasure between them both swell further.

When Erik slides home, carefully making sure to keep touching Charles above the waist in all the ways he enjoys, his gasp escapes without him meaning it to. Charles hums slightly, basking in Erik’s emotions, sharing the feeling and heightening the connection between them even more.

Charles doesn’t feel much below the waist and Erik knows now is not the time to push their limits. He is more than happy to take whatever he can because the fact that he’s once again able to do so is doing more for him than any physical sensation could.

“Prick,” Charles mutters, but it’s fond.

Erik accepts the teasing with a huff, more focused on other things. “You’re alright?”

“More than,” Charles cups his face and brings him back down to kiss him again.

It’s always been incredible to be able to feel Charles building orgasm while also feeling his own but this time it’s more somehow. He can’t say why and in fact he’s happier not to overanalyse it. This is good and it is without pain. It’s something Erik never thought could be possible again but he’s not going to ruin it.

In the end it is him who finishes first, a rough, choked sound falling from his lips as he shakes, forehead falling to Charles’ shoulder. But Charles is only a second or two later, gasping and clutching at his back with a strength that Erik has never felt from him before.

 _Muscles from the wheelchair_. Is the distracted explanation he gets.

It’s the second thing that Erik likes about the wheelchair he thinks as he carefully extricates himself to lie by Charles’ side. This bed is bigger than Charles’ old one and he finds he’s grateful as they lay there side-by-side, each of them catching their breath.

The first, of course, is that it’s made from metal.

_Hmm. I’ll have to fix that you know. Can’t have you abducting me anytime you want._

He freezes, regret cutting through his pleasure and dousing it like water to flame. The apology wells up, ready to be spoken, but Charles speaks again first.

 _I’m sorry. I wasn’t- that was a bad joke._ There was a short pause. _I wouldn’t really mind it if you took me away from here once in a while. As long as you were the only one waiting for me._

 _Really?_ He knows how much Charles loves the school, and how he hates being away from it for too long.

Charles finally turned his head on the pillow, meeting Erik’s eyes. “I hate being away from you too.”

After what they’d just done it shouldn’t be those words that pierce Erik so deeply but he can’t help it. For a moment he feels the prickle of tears and has to close his eyes and takes a deep breath to hold them back.

When he opens them again Charles is searching his face anxiously. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” They stare at each other, Erik’s heart finally slowing down to the point that he knows sleep won’t be far behind. Charles is always captivating, with his natural attitude drawing anyone near him in, but right now it would be impossible for Erik to look away.

Charles’ cheeks tinge pink.

“You’re tired.”

The telepath smiles a bit. “So are you.” His sigh was resigned and disappointed all at once. “Does that make us old men now?”

It was certainly a change from last time they’d been together, when they’d both been itching under their skin for round two as soon as possible. But Erik couldn’t say he minded.

Being like this was nice. He wasn’t going to regret a single moment of it.

“Go to sleep Charles,” he said quietly.

Their eyes met again. “I don’t want to.”

Though Erik thought he knew the answer he still asked anyway. “Why?”

“You won’t be here when I wake up.”

He swallowed, caught. “I think the two of us have had enough goodbyes, don’t you?”

Charles said nothing.

“Would you rather I stayed and dragged it out? We both know it will come eventually.”

“I’d rather you didn’t leave at all,” is the slightly petulant answer. If Erik didn’t feel how sad Charles was he might have bristled at it, but as it is he only finds himself agreeing. “But you’re right. We’re going our separate ways.” Erik saw him take a breath, as if he was trying to fortify himself. “Do whatever you think is best.”

He closed his eyes, obviously signalling the end of the conversation. Though Erik felt his mind was still awake, and knew Charles knew that he felt it, neither of them bothered saying anything else.

They knew where they each stood. And as much as they wished things were different, that wasn’t what they got. They got this, a bottomless love between two men who refused to capitulate to the other, even to get their own happiness.

Charles’ eyes stay closed. Erik keeps his open for a long time, looking his fill, before eventually even he gives in and flicks one finger to pull the lamp chord and engulf them in darkness.

In the morning he only allows himself to give Charles one last brief kiss, and then to linger for a minute at the door, taking one final long look, before making himself move.

He and Charles both pretend that Charles is asleep the entire time.

* * *

When the X-Jet lands Erik is the one waiting. He’s glad when it’s Charles alone who rolls down the ramp onto the ground of Genosha. He’s even happier when as soon as Charles gets off, the plane lifts off again, hinting that this visit will not be a short one.

“Hello old friend,” he calls.

“Hello back.” They take each other in, cataloguing the difference that a year makes. Erik feels a satisfied rush when he can’t see any change in Charles at all. He twitches two fingers and Charles’ chair lifts and glides towards him until they’re in front of one another.

“Now that is easier. Pity I can’t do it myself.”

“Pity I’m not around 24/7 to do it for you, you mean.”

“That too, I suppose.” Their glance is both knowing and fond. “How are you, Erik?”

“Oh you know. Surviving.”

“I can see that.” Charles looks around and Erik is marginally proud when he sees the impressed look on the telepath’s face. “Retirement suits you.”

“Doesn’t it?”

He gestures again and they begin moving towards Erik’s home. It’s one of the few that are completely done, mostly thanks to his powers, and he slants a slightly nervous glance towards Charles as they go up the ramp he’s installed, a hovering Charles leading the way. His friend raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything and Erik refuses to ask even though he’s looking for… something.

The few others in Genosha are watching them warily. They’d had just as much warning as him that someone had been coming. The X-Jet was made of a large amount of metal and he’d noticed it when it was miles away. When he’d asked Missy to see who was on it- try as he might he couldn’t identify the X-Jet by his powers alone without actually seeing it- she’d said it was Hank and Charles.

Erik hadn’t frozen but he’d definitely been surprised. After a year of near silence between them this sudden visit was unusual. And a bit frightening.

But as soon as he’d seen Charles he knows there’s no threat, at least not an immediate one. The others have no need for alarm. When he glances over at her Missy jerks her head and Erik shakes his sharply.

They’ll learn soon enough, he hopes. Charles is not the enemy.

Charles notices, of course, because Charles notices most things even when Erik’s mind isn’t shouting about it, but he doesn’t say anything. His face doesn’t even twitch really, and Erik’s hopes stir for only a moment before he pushes on and leads the way inside his place.

It’s a simple house. The garage is below the second level which is made up of one single open room. Only the bathroom is tucked away and it’s also large enough to accommodate anyone who might need it.

Though Charles hadn’t reacted to the ramp he does stare at the wheelchair high furniture, the low countertops and mattress, the single chess set out on a table beside one armchair with the opposite side left empty and waiting. 

“Erik…”

“What?” He smiles, daring Charles to challenge him as he comes in after him. “The bending is good. Keeps me fit.”

Charles doesn’t even smile. “You didn’t have to do this. There’s no point when…”

Erik only stares at him, waiting. “When?”

Charles takes the challenge and says what they’re both thinking. “I’m not here to use this.”

“I’m sorry, is this some sort of telepathic communication? I was under the impression you had come all this way and visited me in person.”

The look he gets at that is exasperated and reminiscent of 30 years ago. It’s familiar enough that for a moment the memories of their months old relationship catches him off guards and leaves his teasing forgotten.

They haven’t had that ease and comradery in a long time. Erik had almost forgotten what it was like.

“Erik.” Charles doesn’t sound happy. In fact he sounds distinctly unhappy. “You shouldn’t have done this.”

“Oh, why not?” He asks with feigned casualness. “It doesn’t hurt anybody.”

“But-”

“Look, it doesn’t bother me. And it makes it easier for when you visit. Stop overthinking it, Charles.”

The other man looks away and Erik lets the statement settle. Charles still wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about his disability and to this day Erik didn’t know if he was like that with everybody or just him. He rather suspected the latter.

But he wasn’t lying. Having his house easily accessible for people with disabilities just made sense. It was good planning.

Instead of trying to deal with that now he moves to make them tea, grabbing Charles’ favourite kind. It had become Erik’s favourite too, somewhere along the way, and he’s unwilling to admit that it’s mostly because he’d make it for himself on the nights and days when he’d missed Charles particularly badly. Which was so often that eventually he stopped drinking anything else.

“So,” he starts when he comes back with the tea in hand. Charles accepts his with a grateful look and he knows the previous topic has been put aside, at least for the moment. “What are you doing here, Charles?”

“Can’t I come and visit an old friend?”

“Sure.” Erik raises an eyebrow. “Is this a friendly visit?”

For a moment Charles looks wounded. “What else would it be?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” He takes a sip of tea. “Checking up on me for the CIA? The Pentagon? I hear you’re a favourite of the American government these days.”

“Don’t know where you heard that.” Charles says casually, also taking a slow drink. “I merely have friends in the right places, that’s all.”

“And I’m sure their ulterior motive is obviously not to get you on their good side after what happened with Apocalypse.”

Charles shrugged. “Does it matter why? At least they listen to me.”

“Because they’re afraid of you.”

“Better than shooting at me.”

Erik pauses, hurt at the unexpected barb and immediately Charles’ face softens because he knows, he sees, of course he does. He always bloody sees. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t- I didn’t mean that. Well, yes, I did mean Cuba, but I meant them firing the missiles, not- not you.”

Erik nods but he’s partially lost in his thoughts. There was a time when he and Charles were able to speak without tiptoeing around one another. A time when any casual sentence wasn’t enough to remind them of a past full of betrayal and violence. He wondered if they could ever get back to that.

 _Of course we can_ , Charles’ voice speaks in his mind and Erik’s eyes snap over so their eyes meet. Charles looks surprised at his own daring and clears his throat. “Sorry. Your shields aren’t up.”

“No.” Erik replies after a beat, the shortest amount of time it takes him to regain his bearings but too long for Charles who apologizes again. “I just wasn’t- prepared.”

“Sorry. Right. I… it won’t happen again.”

“Charles.” Erik admonishes him gently, unsure how to articulate his feelings clearly in a way that won’t make him look like a complete hypocrite. “It’s fine. I don’t mind.”

His friends snorts. “Right.”

“I’m serious. I know how much you hate being kept out.” It’s part of the reason he did it for so long. “And I know our mental connection is… stronger than most. It’s fine.”

He still looks unsure. “Really?”

“Really.” The old fear is there but Erik doesn’t let it win. Well. Not entirely. “Just… keep it to surface thoughts?”

“Of course.” Charles still sounds happier than he has in ages. “You know I only really hear if you’re thinking deeply about something anyway, most of the time I’m not listening to a thing. And your other inhabitants don’t have to worry, I only skimmed enough to know who they were-”

“Charles.”

“What? Yes, right.” He nods decisively. “I just… want you to know.”

“I do know.” Erik hesitates before bravely admitting, “I always did, deep down. I just…”

“Wanted to hurt me? Needed control?”

Erik’s heart twists but he answers anyway. “Yes. Needed to be certain of my own control.”

“And you’re certain now?”

“I can admit that I trust you now.” Erik says. “Before I wouldn’t have done it unless we were on the same side.”

His words make Charles look sad. “Right.”

He doesn’t know if it’s the reminder that they’re still not in agreement, even after what happened with Apocalypse (a time that Erik tries his hardest to forget) or the reminder of the years they spent wasted fighting one another that makes Charles maudlin. Erik would apologize for his words, but they were the truth, and he knows Charles would hate the lie more anyway. Could that be what this visit is all about? Truth and reconciliation after years of running away from each other unless they met on a battlefield.

“So it’s not a friendly government check-in then?” He brings the conversation back to safer territory and Charles snaps out of his own thoughts.

“Hmm, not this time. Though it will be nice not to have to lie again when they ask what you’re doing with the land they’ve given you.”

“You reassured them I wasn’t planning the next world war without even coming to check? I’m touched at your amount of faith in me.”

“I didn’t need to check. I trust you.” It’s said simply, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t emotion burning fiercely in Charles’ eyes when he admits it, or that something inside of Erik doesn’t settle at hearing the words laid out open and honest like that.

“Good.” Is all he says, even though it’s laughably inadequate at expressing everything he’s feeling. He sets his teacup aside and rubs his hands together. “Right. Fancy a game?”

His nod towards the waiting chess set is met with a smile. “You better not go easy on me.”

“Why not? Your ego might be too hurt otherwise.”

“Oh ha ha. You’re just saying that because if I beat you, you’ll have an excuse.”

“You’re a telepath Charles,” Erik always finds it hilarious when he has to remind him. “You can tell whether I’m letting you win in a second. It’s you cheating that I should worry about.”

“You’ll just have to trust that my morals will keep me in check.”

Erik smiles. “I always do.”

Charles starts and for a few minutes they play quietly, just appreciating the fact that they’re in a position to do this again with one another.

Of course, it’s Charles who breaks the peace.

“It’s coming along well, this place. I’m impressed.”

Erik hears what he’s not really saying. “Thank you.”

They make a few moves in silence, both falling back into strategizing, until Erik has his play worked out. “Anything new going on in the big wide world? We don’t get the news much out here.”

Not unless he listens to the radio and he’s been trying not to do that so much lately.

Charles actually laughs as a thought strikes him. “Yes actually. You’ll like this. You remember Wade Wilson?”

He frowned.

“Deadpool?”

“Right.” He nodded at the clarification. The name rung a bell. Not a happy one though, if memory served. He’d never met the man but he remembered Charles ranting to him on more than one occasion. “The insane one.”

“Really Erik… well actually, you’re right. He is crazy. His mind…” Charles trails off, looking a mixture of perplexed and intrigued and Erik clears his throat to snap him out of it. “Yes, well. He brought down one of the DMC’s locations because of a young mutant boy, made his own team that he calls the X-Force, got them all killed but one, and convinced a time-travelling son of Jean and Scott to join him. Oh, and they helped my step-brother escape the ice box and then left him to be repeatedly shocked in a fountain with the help of Piotr, Ellie and Yukio.”

Erik stared, his chess plans completely forgotten. “What?”

“Mmm.” Charles made another move. “So instead of dealing with that fiasco I made Piotr promise to keep tabs on them, gave them some money for a place and now Nathan Summers and Wilson are shacked up together at the official headquarters for their X-Force.”

“They didn’t want to stay at the mansion?” Erik chose to ask the safe question (out of the many he had) as he took Charles’ bishop.

“No. And to tell you the truth I’m glad for it. They-”

“Are a lawsuit waiting to happen?”

“-have differing methods and views. From me.” He frowned. “Summers in particular doesn’t like how I operate. And it’s probably best he keeps his distance, you know. We don’t want to mess with any other timelines.”

Summers. Erik shook his head. Time travelers made his head hurt. He wasn’t willing to think of a middle-aged son of Scott Summers and Jean Grey while he knew them as still barely older than teenagers.

“Lots of people don’t like how you operate.” Erik said instead of focusing on that, blithely unconcerned at the frustration his old friend obviously felt at the difference in opinion. Charles had dealt with people disagreeing with him before and he could do it again, even if it was other mutants he was desperate to help. But these weren’t kids, they were adults and Charles had to deal with the fact that he couldn’t help everybody when they didn’t want him to.

Also it was a petty amusement for Erik when people didn’t blindly follow his friend’s every word; except when the matter involved life and death, of course. Then any amusement disappeared. “Me included.”

“I suppose.” Charles was still frowning until he made another move. “Check.”

Erik grimaced at being caught off guard but managed to move his king to temporary safety. He’d be done in a few moves at most though. “Did you tell them about here?”

“I didn’t.” Charles replied. “I can’t see that ending well.”

“What? Scared I’ll restart the Brotherhood if they move in?”

“Scared you’ll all kill each other actually.” Charles’ mood lifted as he grinned while making his next play. It had taken less moves than Erik had thought. “Checkmate.”

He abandoned the game. “Really? Maybe I _should_ meet them.”

“Believe me, you don’t want that. Remember how well you got on with the last time-traveler.”

Right. Erik felt a twinge at the reminder of Logan. He wondered if the man had managed to escape the river yet. “Charles-”

“Mystique was dealing with it, last I heard.” Charles answered before he finished. “Logan’s out, but he’s disappeared.”

“Okay.” That was about as far as Erik’s guilt went in repairing that situation. “Fine, I won’t meet this X-Force. Though if they ever come to the mansion let me know.”

Amusement danced across Charles’ face. “Maybe. I’m sure they’ll crash one of the kids’ parties eventually.”

“On second thought maybe I’ll stay here.” None of that sounded appealing to Erik and his curiosity only went so far.

“Good. That gives me a place to escape to if they ever do come walking through my door.”

For the first time Erik stopped to really take in Charles’ face. “They really bother you, don’t they?”

“Like I said. Our methods don’t exactly match up.”

Erik shrugged, letting it go. Later he would do some digging, because his interest was piqued, but for now Charles obviously felt stronger about this than he’d admit to himself and Erik was fine with letting the subject drop. “Alright. Come here when you need to avoid them.”

“If I get a heads up of their arrival I will. It will beat hiding in a room while they’re there. And Wilson keeps stealing my wheelchair.”

That made Erik frown. “Hold on.”

Charles waved it away. “It was just twice really, and I wasn’t using it either time. But I can always tell. He’s not… subtle.”

“Where was it you said the two of them were living?”

“You’re not going to pay him a visit.” Charles reprimands. “I’m perfectly capable of dealing with a man like Wade Wilson, even if his mind is one of the scariest things I’ve ever encountered.” He sighed, rubbing the bridge between his eyebrows. “I think Piotr got through to him last time. Really, I’m not as stressed about them as it seems. They managed to take down Juggernaut so I suppose I even owe them a thank you.”

“After releasing him in the first place.”

Erik felt himself glaring but Charles would know it wasn’t aimed at him. He didn’t know the exact details about Kurt and Cain Marko but he knew enough to know Cain was still one of Charles’ biggest fears, and that he refused to call him anything but his mutant name.

“I’ve been assured that was a misunderstanding.”

“Hmm.” Erik wasn’t impressed. He could see what Charles meant about their methods not agreeing. It didn’t sound like Erik would approve of such unchecked chaos either. “I hope you’ve had Piotr make it clear that they can’t cause such reckless mayhem, or they really will get in trouble.”

“I’m sure they’re well aware.” Charles raised an eyebrow. “And we’re ones to talk about reckless destruction.”

Erik raised an eyebrow right back. “That’s very self-aware of you.”

“I am self-aware.” Was the indignant reply.

Erik snorted before he could stop himself but to stave off an argument he nodded. “So apart from this X-Force, what else is new?’

“Oh this an that. Jean and Scott are still skirting around each other but I’m sure it won’t be long now before they’re officially together. My bet is before the end of the month.”

They fall into gossiping like the increasingly older men they were, and for the few hours Charles is there Erik finds himself laughing more than he has in years.

It’s as Charles is leaving that Erik gathers enough courage to ask. “You’re not still mad at me, are you? For living here?”

The mood changes immediately and Charles doesn’t look at him as he stops the wheelchair right at the door leading outside to the ramp. “No, I’m not mad.”

Erik pursed his lips. “But you’re still not happy.”

Charles shrugged. “It’s not your fault, if that’s what you want to know.”

Erik wondered if that was a lie and then decided he was better off not knowing. Still that didn’t help his peace of mind.

“I still think you should come live here. There’s so much to do, you would be a huge help.” Teaching wasn’t all Charles was good for and neither was leading. He knew there was a lot out there for him to do and that Charles would enjoy having some downtime for new research. Maybe they would travel together too once in a while and-

-He cut himself off. Now wasn’t the time and his hopes had already been disappointed today.

Still the fact remained. Charles in retirement is something Erik desperately wants to see.

Charles’ smile looked forced. “Thank you. But I still have work to do at home.” He paused. “You know you’re always welcome to come back with me. There’s always work for you there.”

Again they’re at this impasse. “Not this time, old friend.” Erik says and sees Charles’ shoulders slump. “And it’s not because it’s you or your money. It’s been good for me to be away from the school. I’m happier than I’ve been in a while here.”

Charles winces and Erik realizes his words might have been a bit tactless but they had been true. He doesn’t know what to say that won’t make it into a larger deal than it is.

Before he can try and say anything Charles shakes it off. “This is familiar, isn’t it? Being at a stalemate.”

“Yes, it is.”

Erik realizes what the expression on Charles’ face had been only when it falls. Hope. Always hope with him. He listens as the other man cleared his throat. “You know where to find me if you change your mind.”

“So do you.” Erik walks them out the door to where the jet will pick Charles up. It’s starting to get dark out now. “But better to disagree over this than other things.”

“As if we still don’t butt heads on almost everything.” Charles quips, but he laughs too.

“Less than we used to.”

“That’s true.” Charles says after a beat and then he falls quiet, his face contemplative.

“What?”

“Hmm? Nothing.” He shook his head just as the plane landed. “Right, well, this is it.” He looked up, squinting against the setting sun. Erik tried to step in front of him to block it but wasn’t successful for the first few attempts. “I’ll tell anyone who asks that everything is nice and peaceful here, shall I?”

“If you have to,” Erik replied. “Make sure they’re clear it isn’t an invitation.”

Charles laughed again. “I’m sure they’ll get the message.”

“Good.” The last thing any of them want are humans storming in to raid this place or government officials investigating for no reason except their own prejudice.

 _They won’t_ , Charles reassures him and Erik relaxes just as the sound of the jet reaches his ears. _I’ll tell them you don’t want any visitors._

_Except you._

Charles’ expression was almost vulnerable as the jet landed. _Except me._ He repeated, the words loaded with meaning.

For a moment Erik is tempted to kiss him. Really, he’s always tempted to kiss Charles, but in that second it’s nearly impossible to resist it. Their gazes are locked, neither of them looking away, and Erik knows that Charles is waiting to see what he’ll do.

In the end he does nothing and regret laces up his chest to nestle. The moment breaks.

“Goodbye again, old friend.”

“Goodbye Charles.” He forces his expression to clear. “I’ll visit you next time.”

Erik sees the smile, but it doesn’t reach Charles’ eyes. He wishes he didn’t know why. “Perfect. I look forward to it.”

And then that’s it. Erik helps guide the chair over to and up the ramp leading down from the X-Jet and with one last look backwards from Charles the ramp closes and the plane takes off.

Erik lets out a deep breath, feeling something inside him give way right before he feels the presence in his head.

_Thank you. It was a great afternoon._

He turned to walk back inside. _Thank you for coming._ Even though you didn’t want to.

Affection crescendos like a wave between them. Erik can’t tell whether it comes from himself, from Charles, or both. _Let’s not wait so long before next time._

Erik whole-heartedly agrees.

* * *

It becomes a regular thing over the next several years. Their visits are constant at first, Erik strolling up to the school to hide away in Charles’ office with him, Charles getting dropped off at Genosha for hours for them to stay secluded in Erik’s home. It was a whole two days once, when Charles felt the weight of his newly made role a bit too heavily.

Erik sees at least a few of the kids nearly every visit. More often than not he’s greeted by Jean Grey staring at him from one room of the house, or opening the door to let him in and watch as he makes his way to where Charles is waiting upstairs. Whether Charles asks her to be the one to let him in or she knows he’s coming from her telepathy Erik can’t tell but he grows uncomfortable with her silent guard routine.

It’s only on the sixth visit that she says more than three words (“Professor’s upstairs”) before vanishing. No, that time she looks at him with her head cocked, eyes alert and missing nothing.

He hates to admit he’s intimidated by her.

“The Professor said you helped him with his powers when you two first met.” She says nearly as soon as he’s in the door. Luckily no one else is around. Probably in class. “Is that true?”

Erik doesn’t show how caught off guard he is. “Yes.”

“You really helped build Cerebro?”

Erik grit his teeth at the reminder. He was uncomfortable thinking about that period of his life at the best of times and being reminded of it by a twenty-something girl wasn’t any better. “Yes.”

“And he says,” her voice quietens even though they’re alone, “you live in another place that’s safe for us.”

“I do.” He replies slowly, finally paying attention to her instead of gritting his teeth until the conversation was over. “Why?”

She opened her mouth only to close it and shake her head quickly. “The Professor’s waiting for you upstairs.”

Erik hesitated. Was it curiosity that drove Jean to ask or something more? Did she need help with something Charles didn’t know about? Something he couldn’t know about?

It wasn’t his place to interfere, at least not directly. He had made his decision and would bring it up with Charles, the one responsible for Jean.

And that’s exactly what he did. But when he asked his friend if Jean was alright, whether she’d been acting strange lately, Charles said she’d been struggling to control her telepathy a bit but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. He’d been more focused on going over a proposal for further rights for mutants and Erik had been quickly distracted when Charles had asked him to read it over for any holes.

Their debate had been heated that day but Erik had left feeling satisfied and as if they were more like their old selves than ever. If only he couldn’t see the gradual wear that Charles’ place in government was taking on him.

He doesn’t like it, Erik knows. Charles doesn’t enjoy the diplomat role now that he’s in it, not because he doesn’t like the work but because it takes him away from his duties at the school and forces him to be a politician, something the telepath isn’t entirely comfortable with. Not when he has to see with his own eyes what being a politician entails and when he’s so worried about crossing certain moral lines.

“Just quit,” Erik would say which made Charles scoff at him.

“No. It needs to be me that does this.”

“Why?”

“If I can’t do it right then who could?”

Erik knows there’s more, there’s something else Charles isn’t telling him, some other motivation for working his way up through the government so quickly that in five years he has the ear of the president, and then, when the elections come and go, the favour of the next one as well. He has a personal phone line in his office, for Gott’s sake, and for a man who’s always been wary of letting himself have too much power because of the damage he could do in this case there’s something pushing him beyond even those bounds.

“Who would protect you?” Charles yells at him when Erik pushes so far they end up arguing again. The metal furniture in Erik’s home is shaking and Erik knows Charles mental shields are fortified and solid because otherwise his emotions would be spilling out all over the place. He spares a thought for Missy, hoping she isn’t picking up any of their turbulent connection. “You need an ally in the White House to make sure they don’t wake up one day and come after you, Erik. Who do you think would do that, if not me? I’m the only friend you’ve got left.”

“I never asked you to do that for me.” Erik is raging, he’s seething, because the thought that after all this time Charles is living his life for Erik rather than _with_ him like they both want… it’s stupid and pointless. It’s infuriating. “I don’t need you to do that for me. You know I can take care of myself.”

“They caught you once,” Charles returns and Erik winces at the reminder of his decade in a Pentagon cell. “And I might have been able to get you a pardon and a promise you’ll be left alone but the only way I make certain they keep their end of the deal is if I’m one of them.” He looked away. “Besides, it’s not just you. It’s the school, the X-Men, everyone. They’re still afraid of us, after all this time. What Apocalypse was able to get us to do… we’re powerful, Erik, and they’re scared. If I can show them that we’re ordinary people with the same thoughts and feelings as them then they won’t be as scared anymore.”

“We’re not ordinary.”

“We are where it counts.” Charles sighs and rubs one temple and immediately Erik gets up to grab the bottle of painkillers to throw at him. He accepts it with a grateful look. “I know you don’t agree, and you don’t understand why it needs to be this way. But it’s necessary and it’s easier. For everyone.”

“Not for you.”

Charles shakes his head after swallowing the pills. “That doesn’t matter.”

“It does.”

“No, it doesn’t. Not to any of them.” He gestures to the outside world. “If I get a happy ending that means you do too, and I’m sorry, Erik, but they’re not as forgiving as that.”

He freezes, staring at Charles as the telepath’s face goes white at his own words. “What did you say?”

“Nothing.” He looks caught. “Nothing. I-”

“Who said that to you?” Erik demands, striding forward and then kneeling down so they’re face to face. “Is that what this is? They’re punishing you because it punishes me too?”

“Forget I said anything.”

He feels like shaking the man. “ _Charles_.”

His looks away in surrender, opens his mouth, before shaking his head abruptly. “I need to go.”

“Charles!”

“Hank’s coming back.” Charles carefully moves back towards the ramp and Erik damns his telepathy for allowing him to escape like this. His friend pauses at the top of the ramp and glances at him warily. “Will you lift me?”

He didn’t need to ask, Erik would have done it anyway, even if it meant allowing him to run away from finishing this conversation. His mind races even as he follows Charles out to where they wait for the jet. Who does he need to find to correct this? Which politician does he have to track down to make them see their own stupidity in not letting them all just be left alone to live their lives?

 _Don’t Erik_. Charles speaks in his mind and Erik would be mad but even he can’t blame his friend for being wary right now. _Please_.

 _It’s idiotic_ , he pushes back, that old anger simmering away inside of him. _You know that_.

It’s cruel, is what he really thinks, and he knows Charles picks up on it because he feels a flash of agreement before he pulls out of his mind.

“Promise me you won’t get involved.”

“Charles-”

“Promise me, Erik.” His eyes pin him to the spot just as the jet appears above to begin its descent. “You’re only safe as long as you stay here and leave the outside world alone. That’s the rules.”

“I know what the conditions are, Charles, I agreed to them.” Erik bites back. An extravagant house arrest, that’s what he’s been sentenced to. And only that was possible because Charles had vouched for him.

He was right in saying that he was Erik’s only friend outside of Genosha. Hank had written Erik off decades ago, and Raven had given up on him after the White House. The rest were all dead, his family, the First Class, all gone. Erik only had Charles left.

And it wasn’t as if he wouldn’t have chosen Charles eventually anyway, if he’d had the choice. He _had_ chosen him years ago, and Charles had said no. But now after everything that had happened that choice of each other was tainted by their losses and the fact that there wasn’t anybody else to pick instead.

 _If I get a happy ending that means you do too_.

He knows what Charles means but to have it laid out so explicitly is… they’ve tiptoed around it since Cuba. Each of them trying to move on, always ending up back together anyway, in one way or another. Their happy ending is no longer tied to spearheading their cause. No, they’re both tired, they’ve done the groundwork, now it’s time for future generations to do the rest. All the two of them want is peace, the chance to be together the way they had before Cuba, before they were thrust into the spotlight and allowed themselves to be torn apart by the rest of the world.

At least that’s what Erik wanted. He’d hoped Charles felt the same deep down, and only needed more time before giving in, but maybe his words meant he already had. And now-

No. He’d just said his happy ending was tied with Erik’s. He knows what that means.

What’s stopping Charles at this point? The family he has at the X-Mansion? Or that he doesn’t want to piss off his new friends in the White House by being with Erik?

“They can’t stop you from being happy.” He murmurs and despite the growing sound of the X-Jet he knows Charles hears. “They have no right.”

“I chose this.”

“Choose something else.” He growls and the look Charles shoots him is nothing but fond exasperation. “Charles.”

“We’ve talked about this,” is his reply, even though they haven’t not really. They’ve skirted around it plenty but when have they ever actually sat and talked about what they both know they want and tried to come up with a solution to allow them to get it? “Neither of us are willing to compromise.”

Erik swallows the words on the tip of his tongue. The jet is waiting, ramp down, but Charles makes no move to get on it and Erik doesn’t move the wheelchair to remind him.

Charles was right. He still refused to leave the school and Erik wasn’t going to abandon his new home here in Genosha.

“Maybe not now.” He said and Charles looked up in surprise. “But that could change.”

Charles only stared at him.

“Who knows what we’ll want in five years time? Either of us could change our mind.”

Eventually the telepath looked away. “Let me know when that happens, won’t you?”

Erik laughed. “It could be you first you know. A life in politics sounds exhausting.”

“I don’t disagree.” Charles murmured. “But for now I’m able to live with my choices.”

Erik wanted him a lot happier than just able to live with them. “Alright Charles.”

“I’ll see you soon?”

“Knowing us.”

He was starting to hate this part of their visits. Charles always looked so damn sad.

Erik knew he probably wasn’t any better.

“You’re not.” Charles said out loud, making him roll his eyes. “Now would you mind lifting me to the plane?”

“Careful now, or you’ll get lazy.”

“Who would notice really?”

“I would.” Erik grinned. “I quite like those arm muscles you’ve got.”

Charles’ mouth fell open slightly and Erik waved comically. “Bye Charles.”

“Erik!” He called as the chair lifted into the plane but Erik saw his grin.

He was still smiling as the jet disappeared from view.

* * *

Genosha flourishes and Erik feels… not whole, not completely happy, but he feels at peace. And that counts for something.

But he can’t forget his last conversation with Charles and eventually he has to bring it up again.

“Who said that to you. About not giving you your happy ending to stop me from getting it too.”

Charles sighed tiredly. “Erik.”

“I won’t kill them.” He promises, because he knows he wouldn’t. “I just want to know who said it.”

“Nobody.” Charles says and Erik opens his mouth, ready to demand the truth, until Charles shoots him a look. “I mean it. Nobody said it to me, but they didn’t have to. They talk behind my back and their shields aren’t as strong as they think, even though I’ve warned them many times to make them stronger. They think it, anytime you’re mentioned.”

“Is that often?” He frowns, not liking the idea of the government talking about him when he hasn’t been politically active in years.

“Not anymore. Not around me at least, they don’t trust me to be… impartial. But they look at me and they remember you too. They can’t help it. Mental association.” He smiles tiredly and Erik absently wonders what exactly it is that others think about the two of them that puts such a look on his friends face. That they’re counterparts to one another? Or do they know more?

Erik remembers Washington, remembers Charles letting him leave to escape the authorities, and thinks that he can see the humans’ point. Thinks back to the way Emma would sneer and Azazel would mutter whenever Erik would refuse to attack Charles and the mansion directly to get rid of the obstacle the First Class posed. Even the students had given him looks when he showed up at the school to visit, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what they probably thought of their meetings throughout the years. Missy certainly didn’t hide her feelings on the matter.

No, neither of them had been impartial. They both had their weaknesses and unfortunately those weaknesses had been exposed for the entire world to see.

That didn’t mean Erik was comfortable with it.

“It’s still wrong.” And that’s the crux of it. It’s wrong to punish Charles just because it hurts Erik too. It’s a sickeningly cunning but vicious way for those with the power to get what they wanted.

“Yes.” Charles said quietly, making Erik stare at him. “But right now it’s what suits everybody best.”

He grit his teeth at that but could come up with no reply. Let Charles play the martyr. The thought was only making him angry. “Fine.”

Charles nodded and then changed the subject.

“How are your neighbours?” He inquires nonchalantly, moving forward a pawn in a move that makes Erik frown.

“Fine. Stick to themselves mostly.”

“You’ll like that.”

“Hmm.” He agrees, busy scanning the board before moving his bishop. “They’re good people. Just tired. Ready to rest.”

“Like you.” Charles murmurs and takes the bishop off the board.

“Yes.” This time he allows his eyes to flicker up only to find Charles already watching him. Mind only half on the game, the other part busy with something only Charles knows. “Like me.”

Their gazes hold and Erik swallows before breaking it and looking back down. “Like you too, I think.”

“Me?”

“You heard me.” One corner of his mouth twitches up. “Still get those headaches?”

“Sometimes.” He hums.

“Missy does too.” Is his reply, more focused on the game than their conversation for a moment. “And she’s barely half your age.”

He hadn’t realized how much Charles’ powers must drain him. Missy had barely a quarter of Charles’ strength and it exhausted her quickly. He’d seen Charles struggle in their time together, but he’d never considered just how constant the struggle might be.

“Ah, yes. Missy.” Charles adopts the patient professor voice of his that Erik absolutely hates. The voice he uses when he’s fishing for something and unhappy with what he’s learned. “You like her.”

“How do you know?”

“I hear it in your voice when you talk about her. See it on your face.” He’s frowning down at the board and studiously ignoring Erik’s stare. “You respect her.”

“Her gifts are impressive.” Erik replies. “And she’s smart. I value her for that.”

“Right.”

“Right,” he repeats, amused and slightly wary at Charles displeasure. What was this? Jealousy? He finds that hard to believe given that Erik has been married with a child in the time they’d known one another. “What is it?”

“What?”

“Don’t try and lie to me, Charles. Why does that upset you?”

“Nothing upsets me.” Charles says and both he and Erik hear the ridiculousness of the statement immediately. But when Erik snorts Charles looks away. It takes Erik a moment to realize it’s in embarrassment.

“Come on.” He tries to coax. “What is it?”

“You always seem to find another telepath when we go our separate ways.” Charles’ smile is knowing when he finally turns back towards him, voice steady and expression controlled as he makes his words teasing. Hiding whatever he’s really thinking behind forced easiness. “I’ll start to worry I’m so easily replaced.”

Erik’s eyes flick up. “Don’t be absurd.”

“Am I? Emma, after Cuba. Missy now. And you don’t even wear the helmet these days even though she’s always around.” His eyes flick over to the box under the bed where they both know the helmet rests. “Hard not to read into that.”

“You’re far more powerful than either of them.” Erik replies evenly and moves his pawn forward. So it was jealousy, but not the kind Erik had assumed. Jealousy from his powers being useless to Erik now that Missy was around. Or at least in Charles’ eyes. “And you know why I wore the helmet.”

“Mmm.”

“Don’t play the fool, Charles, it doesn’t suit you.”

His laugh is surprised and all the more genuine because of it. “Oh my friend. I have missed you, you know.”

Erik smiles a bit to himself. He didn’t have to be a telepath to realize _that_. “Growing bored without me?”

The telepath scoffs. “Hardly. I’m run off my feet these days. Er. As it were.”

They share a look and Charles sighs before looking away.

“I can imagine.” Erik replies after a while. “But I know you, just as well as you know me. Now that you’ve got the ear of the President what’s left? Your school is thriving from all accounts, and the X-Men are world-wide heroes. What’s your next challenge, Charles?”

“Peace of course. It’s harder to keep than many people imagine, though I don’t suppose I need to tell you.” He rolls, pushes back from the table a bit, hands gripping the edge and Erik watches the chess pieces tremble slightly before Charles pulls back in. “But yes, I suppose if I’m being honest, you’re right. I am rather bored.”

He shakes his head and laughs under his breath. “Some telepaths would love to have influence over so many people and you do it even without your gifts. Yet you’re bored by it.”

“Not many people talk back to me anymore. Except for you and Raven, nobody does in fact.” His mouth twists. “I’m not so narcissistic to think I never make mistakes. Sometimes I worry…”

“What?”

“The more responsibility I have, the more power and influence, the less people challenge me. But if I ever do make a mistake the more disastrous the fallout will be. Sometimes I worry how much I’ll be guilty of when that finally happens.”

“Make it easy then.” Erik moves another piece. “Get out. Retire.”

“I’d be even more bored.”

“Not necessarily.” Now Erik looks up again, catching Charles’ gaze and holding it. He knows somehow that this time is different. Something’s changed, Charles isn’t so certain anymore. “Come here. Stay with me.”

Something surprisingly like want crosses Charles’ expression and it makes hope rise in Erik’s throat, enough to choke him.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” He asks, feeling the beginnings of desperation mingled with hope. This response was new. Usually Charles just shot him down but this- he sees how tempted the telepath is. And though lately neither of them have spoken about the deeper part of their relationship it doesn’t mean it’s gone away. “You’ve been asking me to come and teach at that damn school for the last five years. You think the two of us would get along any better there than we would here?”

Charles swallows and looks away. Just as Erik’s anger is beginning to stir he’s shocked into stillness when Charles speaks in his head.

_At the school I would feel a sense of propriety. I would restrain myself because of the others reminding me of what would happen if everything went wrong and fell apart again._

_And here?_

_The people here are adults._ Charles sounds wry even in Erik’s head. _I would feel no responsibility for them. If we end up trying to kill one another I would trust they could handle themselves._

 _A lot of your students can too._ He’s deflecting, too cowardly to say what he really wants, but Charles doesn’t call him on it. Erik knows it’s not the arguing and nearly killing one another that has Charles scared. It’s the other thing.

When they’re not trying to kill each other they’re just as much of a mess only in a very, very different and complicated way.

Sex or murder. He smiles sadly to himself wishing he could see a third option.

“See?” Charles asks. “We’ve always been uncertain.”

“Not always.” Erik reminds him. There had been those few months before Cuba where everything had been blissfully perfect, or at least as close as it could have been given what they were dealing with back then.

“Erik. That ended in disaster.”

“Because the outside world got in the way. Because we- I- didn’t know what was important.” Erik searches him. “We know what we want now Charles. It’s not a choice between us and the cause anymore.”

Charles’ smile was wry and knowing. “Isn’t it?”

“Well what do you suggest then? Doing this for the rest of our lives?” Erik snaps. “Why can’t you just come home to me-”

“Why can’t you?” Charles says back and Erik goes quiet. “See?” He almost sounds pleading. “We haven’t changed. Not that much. Our pride always gets in the way. And if this is the best the two of us can do then I’ll take that, Erik, and happily, because I’d rather have this than nothing at all.”

Erik swallowed. It was a long time before he spoke. “Alright.”

He doesn’t mention it again but when Charles leaves neither of them pretend they aren’t looking back at the other and wishing things were different.

* * *

That morning Erik wakes up in his bed warm and relaxed and achingly, torturously hard.

He doesn’t do this often, to be honest. Always afraid Missy will pick up on it or someone will burst into his rooms with some problem or other as was wont to happen the first few years of Genosha. But things have calmed down in the past months and Missy is away visiting family and Erik’s nerves feel like they’re alight with that low pulse in his blood so without pausing to think about it too much he lets his mental shields fall away as he grows distracted and slips his hand under the covers, spreads his legs and brings them up before he wraps his fingers around his cock.

His breathing deepens ever so slightly as he feels the precum already gathered there and then he tightens his hold and strokes, just once.

Starting out slow is an indulgence Erik hasn’t had in so long it feels like years and so he savors it. His mind is racing, going through anything in his memory that can turn him on and he doesn’t even try to fight it or be surprised when he ends up focusing on Charles.

This is from their last night together before Cuba and Erik groans, soft and awed as he remembers how Charles had pushed him back in the armchair of the study and ridden him until they were both gasping and breathing in each others pleasure. Charles’ mind had sunk so deeply into Erik’s that he’d been able to feel everything, the physical sensations each of them had overlapping until it was like one body and one mind.

“Charles,” Erik gasps and it’s barely a whisper but it’s there now, floating throughout the room. “Charles.”

_Mmm, what?_

Erik freezes on the bed, not moving a muscle so much as to breathe as shock and fear make a heady cocktail in his body.

_Charles?_

_Yes, what, Erik? God, I was asleep you know…_

He can almost picture the mental ellipses as Charles wakes further, finally taking in what must surely be layering every thought Erik is having.

His hand is still holding his cock and he’s embarrassed to see his erection hasn’t flagged a bit. In fact if anything, it might be more prominent.

 _Oh_. Charles’ embarrassment is obvious but Erik also manages to detect the faintest note of something deeper, something far more compelling and dangerous. Lust shot through him like a bullet only matched by the rival of Charles’ own. _I- ah_.

 _Get out?_ Erik suggested, remembering himself enough to pull his hand away, letting his fingers rest splayed on one tense thigh. _This isn’t exactly for your entertainment._

_Yes of course. Only._

Erik breathes out in frustration.

 _I could help?_ Charles sends him a brief mental picture and Erik’s eyes open wide, seeing the telepath on his knees pressing Erik into his bedroom wall like a video playing before him. _You were calling my name, rather loudly I might add, so if you want…_

 _Charles_. It’s with momentous willpower that Erik pushes the fantasy away. _You’re the one who said no to this._

 _I know. I know._ Charles sounds incredibly frustrated and Erik can sympathize _. But- I find that now we’re in this predicament I can’t look away._

_Can’t or won’t?_

_Won’t._ Charles amends _. Not unless you really want me to; which, by the way, I know you don’t. Not really._

_You’re cheating._

_I don’t care_. Charles said, voice lowering _. Let me help you._

Later Erik will give himself a stern talking to about willpower and arch-enemies and reminders of Cuba and Moira and Raven and everything that had ever come between the two of them.

But right then he saw exactly what Charles saw- Charles suddenly in his bed, hovering over him and resting his weight on his forearms. There was a breath of space between their chest and it was so lifelike Erik could believe it was real.

 _Please_ , Charles breathed, and Erik looked up and met those incredibly blue eyes before nodding, gaze falling to Charles’ lips.

It all felt so real and if it hadn’t been for the fact that Charles had the full mobility of his legs in the fantasy he’d dreamed up for them, Erik would have believed it.

Charles was never paralyzed in his fantasies. The thought made something in Erik cower, something that he quickly pushes away before Charles sees it.

It’s quick and it’s intense but by the time Erik’s climax hits he can’t think of anything beyond the phantom feeling of Charles on top of him and of their lips moving hurriedly against one another. Charles pulls away quickly after Erik’s peak, enough so that they can stay in touch if they make an effort to speak but not enough for Erik to know if Charles finished too.

_Charles-_

_It’s fine._ The words are soft and gentle. _I- I’m sorry. I pushed and crossed a line. This was a mistake._

 _What? No._ Erik stared up at his ceiling, trying to follow Charles’ train of thought and see how they got here. _I wanted this, you know that._

Charles doesn’t say anything. _I’ll leave you alone._

 _Charles-_ He stopped himself, trying to find the words. _What does this mean? For us?_

There’s no response for a long time. _Nothing, Erik. Not right now._

He feels Charles leave and since he feels more lost than ever with no idea what to say the abrupt end to their conversation doesn’t bother him. They both need their space right now and Erik suddenly finds that he has a lot to think about.

Afterwards he lies on his bed, still panting, and stares at the ceiling.

He’s regretted his past actions many times in his life, but never as much as he did in that moment.


	7. Chapter 7

Charles watches as Scott stands and stares at the sky amidst the smoking ruins. Hank is on his knees nearby, staring at the ground with a heartbroken expression on his face but Charles knows it isn’t Jean’s death that cripples his old friend so thoroughly.

Ororo walks over to stand by Scott, not saying anything, just being there, and Kurt stares around looking lost.

Charles feels numb.

He jumps when he feels the hand land on his shoulder, flinching away, but Erik only tightens his grip, fingers digging in and helping bring Charles back to the present.

His mind clears slightly and he looks up, finding Erik’s eyes already locked on him.

“Is it over?” It’s all he can think to ask.

Erik’s face creases, a frown pulling his lips down. “I think so.”

Charles lets out a deep breath, his entire upper body sagging and he finds himself leaning against Erik’s leg more than he would usually allow himself to. When he speaks his voice is thin. “I’m so tired.”

Erik’s hand moves from his shoulder to the back of Charles’ neck, stroking slightly. “I know.”

There’s nothing else to say and so neither of them try, but later Charles feels a rush of appreciation for his old friend because without him he’s almost sure he would have had a panic attack right then and there.

Erik stays the night at the mansion, the two of them locked away in Charles’ room. They don’t do anything but talk until Charles falls asleep, but when he wakes he finds himself in bed wrapped in Erik’s arms.

Charles is up first but he doesn’t try to move. He just watches Erik, feeling his chest brush Charles’ shoulder lightly with every exhale, seeing his eyelids move slightly from whatever he’s dreaming. For a moment Charles is tempted to check, nearly inserts himself into whatever the man in his bed is thinking when he has a temporary escape from the threats and worries he deals with in real life.

That thought is a stark reminder of the events of the past week and immediately Charles feels whatever shreds of a good mood he’d worked up disappear. Jean. Scott dealing with the loss of Jean. Hank turning to Erik for help and blaming Charles for Raven.

Raven.

Everything that had happened was all his fault. He knows what Hank and the others thought. Charles had gotten so wrapped up in politics and power that he’d forgotten what he’d set out to do with this school. He’d gotten his priorities mixed up and everybody had suffered because of it.

Erik had tried to warn him. Raven had tried to warn him. Even Hank, months ago, had made comments about how thin Charles had spread himself and offered to take on more of the administrative duties for the school so Charles wouldn’t be so distracted.

He doesn’t know what’s going to happen now. Was there even going to be an X-Men anymore without Raven to help Hank lead them? Hank was a genius but he had never been comfortable in a leadership role and Charles didn’t see that changing. Raven had been like Erik, comfortable with taking charge, always having a plan and knowing what to do. Hank was like Charles, able to take care of the behind the scenes issues others never had to think about.

Charles had lost Erik so he’d used Raven, giving her the leadership role, all while neglecting to hand over his own X-Men duties to Hank like he should have. It’s not like he hadn’t had other work to occupy himself with; what had held him back?

He knew the answer. The school had been his excuse to Erik all these years for why he couldn’t leave the mansion. Really Charles could be a politician from anywhere, but it had always made more sense for him to stay at home while he officially led the X-Men. If he’d given up the X-Men he would have bee giving up his last excuse to stay away from Erik.

But that was going to change now. After everything that had happened he knows the students could never trust him again, and Hank hadn’t forgiven him. Besides being here meant being surrounded by memories of Jean and Raven. Charles finally understood what Erik had been saying before about not being able to come back to the mansion because of the things it represented.

Turns out the two of them weren’t so different now.

A few more minutes pass and Charles pushes those thoughts away. He’s been depressed before and he knows that’s not what this is, but the grief he’d felt at losing Erik and Raven after the beach was nothing compared to this. This was real. There was no hope of Raven coming back now.

Charles didn’t know how he would ever be able to wrap his head around that.

He wasn’t depressed but he was grief-stricken and somehow Charles would have to work through that.

He just wishes he didn’t feel so lost. And, though he hates to admit it with Erik lying right there in front of him in his bed, so alone.

Erik would be leaving that day, Charles had no doubt about that. Hank wasn’t likely to ever forgive him, the students were his students, not his friends and peers, they were not responsible for Charles’ problems. He’d subjected Alex and Hank and Sean to that once and he’d resolved to never do it again.

Charles just had to deal with this on his own.

Finally Erik shifted, tongue peaking out to lick his lips before his arms pulled Charles a bit closer and then pulled back to release him altogether as his eyes opened.

“Hey.” He blinked while sounding surprised at finding Charles awake. “How long have you been up?”

“Not long.” Charles lied. “You didn’t have to stay.”

Erik frowned. “Is there a problem?”

“No.” Charles said, yet he pushed on ahead. “But I know you’re going to leave soon and I just- you didn’t have to stay.”

“I wasn’t going to leave you alone.”

Charles almost says something but he stops the words escaping at the last minute. He’s over his abandonment issues with Erik, really, and bringing it up now wouldn’t do them any good. He’s just hurting and ready to lash out.

Instead of replying he looks away from Erik to push closer, his face in Erik’s neck as he breathes a shuddery breath.

The words escape him in a whisper. “Thank you.”

Erik’s arms come back up to hold him tightly. “You don’t have to thank me for this.”

“Yes I do. Before you leave I need you to know that it- I really appreciate you staying.”

Erik pulls back so they can see one another, eyes searching Charles for... he’s not sure what.

“You keep bringing up me leaving.”

Charles’ hands clench in the back of Erik’s t-shirt. “I’m sorry.”

“No, Charles that’s not- listen to me.” Erik took a deep breath. “Raven didn’t leave you. She was killed.”

Charles flinched, pulling his hands back to himself protectively. Erik went on ruthlessly.

“And Jean… she was lost, but she trusted you to take care of her in the end. She didn’t leave you either.”

“They are both dead because of me.”

“That’s not true.” Erik said vehemently. “You would never intentionally hurt Raven, and you certainly didn’t kill Jean. You’re guilty of many things Charles, and taking everything on yourself is one of them, but you’re not to blame for what happened to them. You tried to help.”

“I’m not blameless, Erik.”

“You really think I don’t know that?” Erik’s eyebrow raised. “We’ve known each other a long time Charles. You’re a lot of things but you are not a murderer.”

He shook his head, closing his eyes. “I played a part in all this.”

Erik is quiet for a moment. “You’re right. But so did Hank. So did I. So did Raven and Jean. The roles we play aren’t easy ones. They have risks and responsibilities.”

“What are you saying? That death happens so we should just cut our losses?”

“No. I’m only saying that you are not the only one who made mistakes here.”

Their gazes held until Charles couldn’t bear it anymore.

“What about you?” He asked. “A lot’s happened. How are you handling it all?”

“I’m grieving,” Erik admitted. “But I’m okay.”

Charles hesitated. “And us?”

Erik raised an eyebrow.

“You came back wearing the helmet.”

“To be fair I was guarding myself against Jean, not you.”

“And we were on opposite sides. Again.”

Erik sighed. “I don’t know what you expect me to say.”

“When I tried to talk you shut me down.”

“I know.” Erik swallowed. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ll think it’s silly but I think it’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“What? About you always making speeches?”

“About nobody caring anymore about what I had to say.”

Erik nodded and Charles was glad he understood. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Really.”

“Really.” Erik says meaningfully, ignoring the skepticism. “But us, Charles… we fight and we’ve made mistakes but I don’t think we’re ever going to change.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of Erik.”

He frowned. “What?”

“What do you mean what? What did you mean?”

“I mean we always end up the same way, the two of us coming back together. What did you mean?”

Charles pulled himself up to sit and Erik did the same. “You see us as always coming back together but I can’t ignore that that means we always fall apart first. And I’m tired of that Erik.”

“We didn’t fall apart here, Charles.”

“Erik we fought each other’s teams again. I don’t want that for us after all this time.”

“Maybe we don’t need to be on separate sides anymore.”

“Erik-”

“Well why not? Do you really want to stay here after everything that’s happened?”

Charles looked back at him sadly. “This is my home.”

Erik’s mouth thinned but eventually he looked away and let out a long breath. “Okay.”

“I wish…” He doesn’t know what he could say that they haven’t said before. Both regret things in their past, both with things were different, easier, that other could take up the mantle and make change, that change had never needed to happen in the first place because humanity realized mutants deserved equal rights like everybody else.

Erik knows all of this. There’s no point repeating it all again without a solution. It will only lead to nothing.

“Me too.” Erik replied bitterly.

The glance they shared was heavy, but full of understanding. Like always it was Erik who understood. He hadn’t always agreed with Charles but he had always understood him, and it was because of that Charles had always gone to him when he felt most alone, no matter what the state of their relationship.

He reaches over and takes Erik’s hand. Erik laced their fingers together.

“I am going to leave.”

Charles swallows his disappointment.

“But I’m not going until I know you’re going to be alright.”

His blue eyes flick up to meet Erik’s. “I will be.”

“Hmm.” His eyes glinted. “Even when I’m gone you can visit. Whenever you need.”

“I know.”

“And call.”

“Yeah.”

“Or…” Erik caressed Charles’ temple and tapped it lightly with a finger. “You know.”

“I do.” Charles lifted their joined hands and pressed his lips to the back of Erik’s. “I’m just… you know.”

“Yeah. I know.” Erik sounded fond.

He stayed for a while longer but Charles knew he wasn’t eager to go down and be met with the others and honestly Charles wasn’t in the mood to deal with that either. And as much as he dreaded what was to come he knew he had to get it over with eventually. Putting it off would only drag it out.

So Erik left with a promise of staying in touch by going out of the window, reminding Charles of years ago. And Charles went downstairs, comforted Ororo, tried to speak with Scott but wasn’t allowed in the room, and was summoned into Hank’s office.

By the end of the conversation Hank had cried and Charles was left staring in shock before he managed to get his mouth to work again.

“I’ll leave after the funeral.” He promised and left without waiting for Hank’s nod of dismissal.

* * *

When Erik finally gives in and calls the school it’s nearly a month later.

He’d gone to the funeral, partly for Charles, but mostly for Jean too. She’d saved them all in the end, and he could sympathize with any mutant who accidently hurt someone they loved with their powers. Erik had done it too, after all, and he’d been far more in control of his abilities at Cuba than Jean had.

Besides he’d made his choice on that train. Protecting Charles had meant protecting Jean too. He hadn’t hesitated much.

Erik had to believe that Mystique would forgive him for it. He won’t pretend he would know what she would say if she was there but she had changed from the angry and insecure young woman he’d met all those years ago. Matured. Perhaps she would have been on Jean’s side all along, like Hank had come to realize.

However he doesn’t stick around. The words he and Charles had expressed (“ _You’re always sorry, Charles. And there’s always a speech. But nobody cares anymore”_ ) hung as a heavy weight between them, no matter what they both said. Charles barely spoke a word or looked in his direction the entire time and Erik left quickly, not wanting to speak with anyone else.

Again the outside world had managed to divide them. Erik was getting really tired of that. He’d begun to doubt whether Charles wasn’t right. Maybe the two of them would never work. Never manage when it came to facing those around them as a united front.

He makes it a week thinking that before realizing how foolish he’s being. They’d both made mistakes this go around but Erik was willing to try and work that out. He just hoped Charles felt the same.

So he waited and heard nothing. Two weeks passed by and his patience ran thin so he reached out, probing at their bond, voicing Charles’ name, and still. Nothing.

That had always worked before. Erik wasn’t sure what to do when it didn’t.

So he waited another week, trying all the while, and when Charles still made no attempt to get in touch Erik pushed away his own pride, picked up the telephone and dialled the number to Charles’ office.

It wasn’t a pleasant surprise to hear Hank pick up the phone. It was only worse when he heard what the scientist had to say.

“He’s gone?” Erik hissed, pacing on the floor of his home. “What do you mean?”

“We felt he’d forgotten his true goals here. Forgotten the purpose of this school.” Erik noted the slight waver in Hank’s voice but didn’t care. After all this time the younger man was still scared of him and honestly Erik was glad of it.

The bravado didn’t stop Hank from tacking on, “the Professor thought so too.”

“Charles is the best part of that damned school,” Erik growled but refrained from saying anything further. He had no desire to try and change Hank’s mind. If the man was too stupid to see what a foolish mistake it was in them sending Charles away then Erik wasn’t about to spare any of his time pointlessly trying to show them. “But it’s your loss. If he’s not there then where is he, Hank?”

“I- I’m not sure. I haven’t spoken to him since he left.”

Erik felt the urge to yell. Or break something. He took several deep breaths. “So you’ve kicked him out of his own home and abandoned him? Is that what you’re telling me?”

“He chose to leave-”

“Spare me.” Erik bit out and slammed the phone on it’s cradle, mind thrumming.

Right, this was ridiculous. He knew Charles but even he couldn’t predict where in the entire world he would go after the death of his sister and the crushing realization that his entire life’s goal of helping people had failed, all while being unwanted in his own childhood house.

Erik was almost certain that they were still using Charles’ money to run the place and that only made him angrier.

But not at Charles. Maybe he should have been. He’d warned his friend, after all, of what his methods would bring, and he’d pointed out the flaws in his hopeful ideology. None of that, however, meant that Erik had wanted this to happen.

Charles was a proud man just like Erik was. He would go somewhere to lick his wounds and recover at least a bit of his dignity- not that he’d lost it in Erik’s eyes, but he knew his friend wouldn’t see things that way- before seeking Erik out. Neither of them liked seeing the other at anything less than their best.

It would be up to him to seek Charles out. With that thought in mind he did the first thing he thought of and to the best of his ability absolutely screamed Charles’ name in his mind, aiming the full force of it to where he had always felt their latent connection.

 _CHARLES_!

 _What?_ The reply was snapped at him almost immediately. _What Erik? Leave it alone, won’t you?_

So Erik had been right. Charles was keeping tabs without letting him know. _No. Where are you?_

_Nowhere you need to bother with._

_Charles I swear to God I will track you down myself if I have to. Don’t think I won’t be able to, I hunted Nazi’s, remember?_

That made his friend pause _. Erik this has nothing to do with you._

_You know that’s not true. Where are you?_

When the answer came, it was tired. He was surprised Charles had given in so easily and worried even more because of it. _Paris. But don’t come._

_Too late._

He was already walking out of his door before he put his shields up. Charles would not be able to stop him. Erik could help, though his friend might not realize it now. After all, he’d been in the exact same situation once and what he’d wanted most was for Charles to appear and help him through it. Things might have been very different right now if that had actually happened.

Erik wasn’t about to let this opportunity pass by without even trying. Charles had offered him a home more times than Erik could count. It was time he repaid the favour.


	8. Chapter 8

Charles goes home with Erik.

They stay in Paris for a few days, before deciding to just make a holiday of it. They’re both there, no responsibilities to call them home, and before they know it the two of them are jet setting around Europe.

Each of the have travelled extensively but Charles had been alone to give some sort of speech, or with Raven, or on some sort of diplomatic mission. Erik had always been alone.

Travelling together wasn’t new to either of them. They’d done it when recruiting the First Class, flying to Paris to stop Raven killing Trask and then on their way home after the ordeal with Apocalypse.

But this time there’s nobody waiting for them at the end of the holiday. Erik made a call and his house in Genosha seems to be taken care of. He buys a small case, some clothes, and the two of them have nothing stopping them from taking as long as they want on the continent.

Both of them love Paris. Charles wheedles Erik into- hesitantly- agreeing to show him around Poland and Germany. They avoid his old hometown but they do stop at the cabin, and the two graves in the forest beside it. Charles stays inside while Erik goes out and when the other man returns later with red eyes their gazes hold for only a moment before Charles reaches out and takes Erik’s hand.

It’s trembling slightly but neither of them say anything. For nearly ten minutes it is just the two of them in that old and empty cabin where Erik spent almost ten years of his life.

“Let’s go.” Erik broke the silence between them, squeezing Charles’ hand once before pulling away to walk out. Charles’ metal chair silently floated along behind him until they got out to the car and drove away.

That night was quiet but it wasn’t strained or awkward. It was shared between the two of them, an acknowledgement of the lives they’d lived apart, a respect for the lives lost, and a necessary stepping stone in their lives moving forward.

“You would have liked her.” Erik had said around lunch time the next day, both of them eating deli sandwiches in the car as Erik drove.

Charles glanced over. “Who?”

His hesitation was noticeable, the lines around his eyes creasing until suddenly Erik’s face smoothed out. “Both of them. Nina and Magda.”

“I’m sure I would. Nina sounds wonderful and Magda… anybody who manages to earn your respect would definitely get mine.”

Erik huffs a laugh.

“Not to mention the fact that they put up with you for years. It takes a special kind to do that.”

“I’d be offended if you weren’t including yourself in that.”

“Like I said. Special.”

“Very.” Erik shoots him a small smile.

Charles returned it.

From Poland they go to Germany and from there Britain. This time it is Charles showing Erik around, taking him to Oxford and then going north to Scotland. Both love it there. Charles feels a kinsmanship with Edinburgh and the academics there while Erik prefers the life of Glasgow. Both grow tired of St. Andrews quickly, though the scenery is lovely, and they’re each happy to spend a weekend in Inverness soaking up the peaceful tranquility.

“I never thought we’d get this,” Charles confessed to Erik one night. They haven’t been sharing a bed but Charles has seen the way Erik’s eyes have been following him. He’s heard a few of the louder thoughts the other man has had.

Charles feels the same but for some reason whenever the two of them have a moment or get too close he feels himself pulling away.

He understands now why Erik hadn’t wanted to stay at the school with him. They hadn’t been equals then, not when Erik had just lost a family and had no home or friends to support him. Now years later it’s Charles in that position and the last thing he wants is to be completely dependant on Erik.

His money isn’t enough. He needs stability and time to make peace with and settle within himself before dragging Erik into his mess. Friendship and company are one thing. Romance right now would be entirely another.

Whatever Erik thinks of where they stand Charles doesn’t get to see it. Apart from those few split seconds where Erik’s eyes linger or his thoughts drift without him realizing, Erik seems happy with their circumstances. More than, really. Charles has never seen his old friend smile so large or so often as he does now. Erik’s laughter comes freely, his shoulders are relaxed, his gait unhurried, and Charles thinks, absurdly, that this is the first time he’s really getting to know the man Erik actually is.

It’s the best three months Charles can remember. They rent cabins and hotel beds and rooms at bed and breakfast’s and they see the world. They get recognized only a handful of times, early on, and Charles is still so desperate to be alone that it’s a simple thing to use his telepathy and direct the people’s attention away.

He can handle Erik seeing him at his lowest. No one else.

At first he mourns Raven with a fierceness that overwhelms him. Every thought is full of her, everything he sees makes him wonder whether she would have loved to see it too or just found it boring. But it’s only on the last night of their trip that Erik finds him crying, sitting on the edge of his bed, wracked with fierce, overwhelming sobs.

Erik kisses his temple and holds him in his arms until the tears dry and Charles can breathe again.

They sleep in the same bed that night, Erik’s arms wrapped around him as Charles lay on his chest, and their words are only the quietest of whispers, confessions made in the dark, admissions of guilt, of sorrow.

By the time Erik’s eyes close and his breathing evened out Charles felt more settled than he had since the X-Men’s last mission to space. Since Jean unlocked the Phoenix power and changed everything forever.

When he wakes up he’s on his side, facing Erik, and the older man is watching him.

Charles sends a reassuring wave through his telepathy. _I’m okay._

Erik still looks concerned but something in his eyes eases. _Good_.

Charles took a deep breath. “And I’m done stalling. If your offer still stands then… I think it’s time we go home.”

Surprise makes those blue eyes widen, but it only lasts a moment before Erik smiles, small but happy.

“It stands.”

Charles allows himself one more second of looking at him, hair slightly matted from the pillow, blinking eyes to get rid of the sleep, and then he moves to get up, breaking the moment.

“Good. I’ll book the tickets.”

* * *

It’s not even a few weeks later that the argument happens.

So far things have been good, at least that’s what Erik had thought. Charles has settled into Genosha quickly and it feels like he and Erik have been living together again for months instead of weeks. They debate and they tease, Erik cooks and Charles reads, and Erik gets frustrated and Charles soothes his tensions away with massages and telepathic touches that warms him to his toes. Charles makes them tea and tidies the house while Erik makes space in his drawers, his closet, his kitchen cupboards and tries to give Charles everything he could ask for.

They’re outside one night with a big group of their neighbours. Alcohol is being poured, a fire is burning easily away in the firepit, and stories and laughter surround them all. Erik is standing and just watching Charles as he talks to Jakob, Elliot and Anya. Charles looks happy, his eyes are bright and he smiles as easily as he had in the first months Erik had known him, before he’d been dealt the weight of others’ lives on his shoulders.

Erik is staring. He knows it but he can’t help it. The feeling in his chest is warm and calm and strong enough to make him ache but- for the first time it’s a good ache.

He’s not being subtle, which Mikayla and Lilly make clear when they pass him with teasing words and smiles, but he doesn’t care. Even when Charles looks over and catches him, eyebrow raised, Erik doesn’t stop.

Come over here if you’re just going to ignore everyone else all night, Charles says with exasperated fondness. Erik rolls his eyes but does exactly that, coming to stand beside Charles and the others.

“Happy now?”

“I’m sure the others are. Poor Eliza tried to speak to you twice before just giving up.”

“Did she?” Erik remembers her saying something in passing but he hadn’t thought she’d been trying to make real conversation. “Important?”

“Nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow, seeing as she’s gone to bed now. But you wouldn’t have known, would you?”

“If it had been important I would have.” He grumbled but when Charles only laughs he finds his annoyance disappears quickly.

Finally he turns to Jakob, Elliot and Anya only to see that they’re watching them with slightly incredulous looks. Elliot is wearing an expression that borders on longing and amused.

“What?” Erik demands of the 20-something year old. Elliot’s been here for nearly 5 years. He’d come with his mother, the two of them escaping from his father, and though they don’t have reason to speak often they’ve been neighbours for long enough that Erik feels he knows the boy decently well.

“You two.” Elliot’s lips twitched. “I’ve never seen two people act more like an old married couple.”

Erik tenses slightly, shooting a worried look to Charles. He’s not offended but he knows that Charles has been pulling away, clearly signalling that right now he’s not ready for anything more than friendly companionship. Erik’s been trying hard to hide his own feelings on the subject because right now pressure from him for romance is the last thing his friend probably wants.

So he’s surprised to see Charles’ face light up at the joke, and to hear his laugh.

“Well we’ve certainly known each other long enough.” His friend says. “And believe me if anyone needs someone around to make him behave, it’s Erik.”

Erik scoffs. “As if I’m the worst between us.”

“You certainly are.”

“How? Which out of the two of us has-”

“Okay okay,” Anya held up her hands. “I’m sure Elliot didn’t mean to start an argument. It’s cute, that’s all.”

Erik immediately growls as Charles sniffs slightly in an insulted way.

“We are _not_ cute.”

“I’m sure cute isn’t the right word…”

Erik and Charles glance at each other as Elliot and Anya laugh. Jakob only shakes his head, lips twitching. “Whatever you two say, I guess.”

They change subjects quickly after that but Erik can’t help shooting Charles looks as the night goes on. It’s hard to believe he’s actually here, and not just because of the kids’ teasing. It’s everything. After all they’ve been through it’s a miracle that the two of them had survived it all and ended up… exactly where they’d always wanted to be.

Hours pass by. Eventually, somehow, Erik and Charles are the last ones by the fire, loud voices singing and calling to one another in the distance as the community all splits up to go home for the night.

The flames cast shadows over Charles’ face and he looks happy. That feeling from before comes back to Erik full force as he takes a seat in the lawn chair sitting beside the telepath, both of them quiet and lost in thought as Charles stares at the fire and Erik stares at Charles.

“Are you going to tell me?”

Charles doesn’t look at him until Erik answers, confused.

“Tell you what?”

“Why you’ve been hovering.” Charles expression was teasing. “You’re worse than Hank.”

Erik grit his teeth. “I don’t hover.”

“Not usually.” Charles agrees. “Which is how I know something’s been bothering you.”

Erik stays quiet.

“Do I have to annoy it out of you? Believe me I will do it. I have almost no scruples or shame left.”

Any other time that would make Erik lift an eyebrow but not now. He looks into the fire for a long time, so long that Charles sighs impatiently, wheeling himself back and forth in an unconscious habit that he has.

“Erik-”

“She wouldn’t tell me whose blood it was.”

Charles looks over sharply, the firelight casting shadows across his skin. It was obvious that wasn’t what he’d expected to hear. “Pardon?”

“Jean. When she first arrived here that day, she had blood on her shirt.” Erik swallowed. “I thought it was yours.”

That makes Charles’ brows furrow as he tries to follow. “Mine? Why?”

Erik looks at him unimpressed. “You’re the only one who comes to visit me, Charles. Jean was your student, you’d raised her since she was a little girl and she was upset. Scared. When she came to me of all people what was I supposed to think except that there was nobody else left? She’d always gone to you to help her.”

Charles looks away and when he speaks his voice is distant. “She did. Once.”

“And then Hank came.” Erik shakes his head. “Hank, who hates me. Has always hated me for what happened on that beach and what I did to you and Mystique. I saw the jet landing and I thought now you had come, you would explain what the hell was going on and why Jean Grey of all people had come and torn up my home and left. And when I saw it was him alone… I was ready for him to tell me that Jean had killed you.”

“But…” He trails off but Erik waits patiently. “When I came to stop you from killing Jean you didn’t exactly seem happy to see me.”

“I never let people know I’m happy to see you,” Erik replies blithely, head lolling across the back of his chair as he turns it to meet the telepath’s eyes. “It would ruin my reputation.”

“You let me see.”

All of his forced humor fell away in an instant. “Add it to my list of grievances against you. Easier though it would have been, I couldn’t force myself to try and make you hate me. I’m too selfish.”

“And I could never force myself to hate you for the same reason.” Charles sighs. “Aren’t we a pair.”

“You could say that again.”

The only sound is the fire popping and spitting away beside them for a while before Charles speaks again. “Does it ever keep you up at night? The fact that we’ve failed them all?”

Erik looks at him sharply now. “Them?”

His lips twist unhappily. “Being here with all these young mutants just reminds me of before, with them. The First Class. Hank’s the only one left. The rest… we’re still alive, but we didn’t protect the others, did we?”

He remembers his own words on a plane 20 years ago, spit at Charles in the heat of one of their most painful arguments. Even now they’d never quite finished it.

“And I can’t help but think we’re responsible for that, at least partly. We failed.” Their eyes meet again. “I guess I’m just wondering if you think about it too.”

“All the time.” He swallows. “It’s better for you. You’ve got your school. You actually have helped other people.”

“Please.” Charles looks anything but happy. “As you can see from me ending up here in disgrace, that obviously hasn’t worked for anybody. They hated me so much they made me leave.”

Erik pursed his lips unhappily. “They never should have done that. You didn’t deserve it and they’re weaker without you.”

“No. They were right, I needed to go. I’d forgotten what we set out to do all those years ago, you and I. Too wrapped up in politics and international fame.” Another bitter smile. “My hamartia.”

“Oh that’s not your hamartia, Charles.”

“No?”

“Definitely not.”

“Then you’d be the first to think so.” He cocked his head. “Come on then, out with it, old friend. What is my fatal flaw?”

“I would have thought it obvious.”

“It doesn’t seem to be to anyone but you.”

“There’s an irony in that somewhere.”

“Why?”

“Because your flaw is me, Charles. Obviously.”

His eyes widen. “You? It is not!”

“No? You should have killed me years ago. After the White House anybody else would have.”

Charles goes quiet. “That doesn’t make you my flaw.”

“Maybe not that alone.” Erik admits. “But I am. You have to see it. Hank and Alex certainly did, after Cuba. Moira too. Why do you think she hates me so much?”

“Because you hated her?” Charles shakes his head. “Fine. What’s yours then?”

“My flaw?”

“Yes.”

“Stubbornness. Rage. Wounded pride. I thought you would have worked that one out yourself.”

“I admit it isn’t a hard conclusion to come to.”

“Hmm. Stubbornness was Raven’s too, you know. That’s why we got on so well.”

Immediately Charles shuts down, enough that Erik notices.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

He rolls his eyes unhappily. “Come on, Charles. I can’t read your mind.”

His friend still doesn’t react, staring into the fire, jaw working. It’s only when Erik lets out another impatient noise that he speaks unwillingly. “I saw you kiss her. In her memories. She showed me.”

He blinks. That had been the last thing he expected to come from Charles’ mouth and he tries to follow his train of thought. In the end he can’t and just shakes his head. “Why would she do that?”

Charles sighed. “She seemed to think she needed to apologize for it.”

Now he stares at the fire. “It was just a kiss.”

“I know. You rejected her.”

“What did you think I would do?” Erik snapped, suddenly feeling tense. On edge. He hated thinking back to those few months before Cuba. Had always hated it. Most of the time. “Take her virginity? She was your sister.”

“You two always had a bond I could never join.” Charles says, sounding small. “I was left alone on the beach while you took off to start a new life together. I can’t say I would have been surprised to learn more had come of it.”

“You’re a fool.” Erik snarls, defensive and hurt at the words. “For all of your mind reading and meddling you never look to find what you want.”

“You’ve told me more than a few times to stay out of your head. Excuse me for trying to respect your-”

“Don’t pull that shit with me, Charles. If you want proof, if you need to look, then take it. Go on. I won’t stop you anymore.”

Charles swallows. “So we’re doing this now?”

Erik’s grin is sharp. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

“You don’t want that.”

“No? Stop telling me how I feel or what I think Charles.” He leans forward. “You’ve always seen the worst parts of me anyway. Nothing left to hide now, is there? What about you, old friend? What memories are you keeping from me in all those years we spent apart?”

“I won’t talk to you when you’re like this. And I won’t read your mind either. Not in this way. You’ll regret it, Erik.”

“Fine.” He pushes himself up. “Keep wondering then, until you drive yourself mad with it. I’m going to bed.”

Charles doesn’t answer and Erik doesn’t wait.

His rage doesn’t ebb even when he hears Charles making his way up the ramps to their room. He can feel the metal coming closer and any other night he would help Charles and float the wheelchair along, easing the way, but not this time. Not tonight.

There’s no point hiding anything from Charles anymore, he knows. His friend has seen the worst things he’s ever done, what he’s been through and the sacrifices made. It wasn’t as if Charles was the one who had been denying his feelings all these years. The telepath knew exactly what was between the two of them.

But despite that there was still a part of Erik that didn’t want him in his head. For all of his bluster and posturing a small part of him was still desperate to hide and unable to give Charles the trust to put himself so wholly in the other man’s hands.

That wasn’t what was bothering him most.

No, what Erik was annoyed by was Charles not having trusted him with something that- to Erik- seemed so obvious and important. Mystique had been beautiful, he wouldn’t deny that, but what had been between them wasn’t romantic or sexual.

And the fact that Charles had suspected… that he had thought it could be…

It brought back all of he old feelings of guilt Erik had tried so hard to work through. Had what he done to Charles really cut so deep that his old friend hadn’t known Erik wouldn’t ever cross that line? Were the things in their history so terrible that Charles hadn’t thought Erik had any limits left?

Was what had been between them from the moment they met so easily pushed aside? Had Erik made it seem that way?

It wasn’t that Erik wanted to show Charles his thoughts and memories from the years that had passed since Cuba. Nothing of the sort in fact, when half of it was him raging at Charles and the other half him missing the telepath terribly.

No, it was that Erik wanted to see Charles’ memories. How did Charles remember their relationship, to have thought such things so recently? What was it that had taken away that trust between them?

“You’re still awake.”

Charles sounded tired and wary, and even as Erik turned poised for a fight, his anger held on a tight leash to be used in the most damaging way possible, he knew that wasn’t what would happen tonight. They’d spent too long arguing.

No what they needed now was conversation. An area in which they had both always fallen short despite how well they knew one another.

As he met Charles’ eyes and saw the exhaustion there he couldn’t help it. Any resentment drained away and he sighed, dropping to sit on his bed and hold out a hand.

“Come here.”

Hesitantly Charles did and he reached out to touch Erik’s wrist carefully as if scared he would pull it away.

Instead Erik turned his hand and gripped Charles carefully, strong enough to make it felt but easy enough he could pull away if he really tried. His fingers played along Charles’ skin, caressing the softness there from years of easy living, tracing the veins, never still. He focused on them instead of Charles, his averted gaze making it easier to speak.

“Will we ever move past it all?”

It’s a low and pained question and Erik hates how desperate he sounds. Pathetic. Emma would have chastised him once.

Once Erik would have agreed. Still would, if he had been speaking to anybody else.

“I don’t know.” Charles’ honesty hurts. “But I want to.”

Finally Erik looks up, seeing the questions there. He swallows. “Me too.”

“But you want to deal with everything that’s happened first.”

“Don’t you? Don’t we have to?” Erik searches his face. “How can we ever trust each other again if we don’t at least try and understand?”

He watches Charles press his lips together tightly, sees them go white momentarily from the pressure. He wonders what part of his statement made him upset or whether it was just the idea in general.

“Is- what’s making you hold back?” He presses when Charles doesn’t say anything. “Is it everything or something… specific?”

For a moment Charles looks incredibly pained and then he shifts his eyes away, wiping his expression blank. “I told you, you don’t want to know.”

He frowns. “You won’t be reminding me of anything I haven’t already lived through.” When Charles opens his mouth but doesn’t speak his eyes narrow. “Charles?”

For an absurd moment he wonders if Charles has wiped his memory of something. Is there a part of their past so unspeakable that he had been made to forget it? Worse than Cuba, than Paris and the mess that had been Jean Grey’s final night alive? Something that had hurt Charles more than Erik aligning with Apocalypse and kidnapping him to cause a nuclear war?

Erik’s stomach sank. What could be more awful than any of that?

“It’s not fair,” is the eventual reply when Erik’s grip grows too tight. “I know it’s not. But… I know what would have happened to us, Erik. If Logan hadn’t come back from the future.”

Now Erik pulls back. “Because you read his mind? Saw his memories?’

“Partially.” He licks his lips. “But I also… I went to the future, using his consciousness. And I spoke with myself. The me from the future.”

After the brief moment where Erik marvels at Charles even being able to do such a thing, he feels his stomach twist. “And?”

“And he showed me everything that happens between us. Or would have happened.” Charles looks away. “And it’s… complicated.”

Erik’s grip tightens in warning. He feels a tendril of true fear snake through himself at the implication and the way his friend is acting. Timid had never been an apt adjective for Professor Xavier. “Charles.”

Again their eyes meet. “You really want to know?”

With only a moment’s hesitation Erik nods. “Show me. Please.”

And with a sigh Charles does.

Erik sees it all. The kidnapping of the girl named Rogue where Charles lets an older version of him go rather than kill him, trusting that he won’t shoot the police officers anyway. The dam in Canada where, oh, Erik hisses lowly through his teeth in denial, where he manipulates Charles to try and kill all of the humans and then _leaves_ him there in the dam that Erik can _feel_ is structurally unsound…

…he sees himself push Jean too far too fast, ignoring Charles’ warnings and then lives it as Charles is torn apart by the telekinetic telepath who looked older than Erik had ever seen her in this life. Then there is a gap, a time jump until Charles takes control of his comatose twin- and that is something Erik had never known about- and they meet again in that other life.

Erik is practically human, only a sliver of his old powers left until he and Charles come to work together again. Both of them are relearning their abilities and eventually once more Charles coaxes Erik’s powers out to their full strength.

But there is also that other Erik’s memories, read by that other Charles, and the pain of loss there is so sharp Erik would stagger if he weren’t already sitting down. His betrayal of Mystique barely registers in comparison to the rest, though he can feel Charles hesitating over it in his own mind.

No Erik catches the sharpest moments of grief and each of them are attached to Charles in some way.

 _“My single greatest regret is that he had to die for our dream to live.”_ Words spoken to the young upstart named Pyro.

 _“And you just stood there and let him die.”_ Logan’s accusation aimed like a punch.

 _“Charles always wanted to build bridges.”_ The denial he was in while trying to convince himself that what he was doing was the best for everybody, all while telling himself that in the end when he achieved his goal it would have lead to something Charles approved of, something Charles was proud to see.

 _“What have I done?”_ At the very end, when he has lost It all, he realizes that the one person who would have stuck by him was gone and now he was nothing.

And then there is more. After he and Charles reunite he sees it all come to an end all over again. The slow disappearance of mutants until eventually the Sentinels are discovered by them all at the school. No matter what they do they can’t stop them and eventually they’re forced to go on the run together until they can manage to track down Kitty, Bobby and the others.

 _“All those years we wasted fighting one another Charles,”_ he hears his voice in 30 years time speaking, sees the look on his face as he reaches a hand out towards his friend all the while knowing both of them are going to die there, miles away from the mansion they both once called home. “ _To have a precious few of them back.”_

How had Charles seen that? But even as the question forms, he knows the answer. Logan might have been mentally conscious while with them in the past, but his subconscious still heard and felt everything in the future. Charles had been connected to Logan until the man disappeared and had access to any thoughts he was able to gleam.

It’s only a small part of himself that wanders to solve that question. The rest is too caught up in everything he’s just seen and learned.

_“To have a precious few of them back.”_

With a jolt Erik comes back to himself and he realizes Charles has withdrawn completely from his mind. He has pulled his hand away as well without Erik noticing.

There are tears on Erik’s face and his heart is thundering against his ribs as if trying to break free. Every breath seems to scratch against his throat, hurting him.

“You see?” Charles sounds sad but his eyes are locked on Erik, noticing every detail.

He cannot speak.

Charles does not give him the reprieve of silence to absorb everything he’s just learned.

“I don’t want us to be that.” His voice is a laden heavy thing that has curled up and nested in Erik’s chest. “To love each other and always be on opposite sides. For our different ideologies to destroy everything and everyone around us. I won’t let that happen.” He swallows. “I would rather remain what we are and lose it all than become- than be what we want and lose that instead.”

Erik still doesn’t know what to say. He’s overwhelmed by his other self’s grief, reeling from the mistakes he had made in that other life.

And the worst part was even though sitting there now, 10, 20, 30 years younger with Charles in front of him, Erik can see how horrible his own actions were, but he can also _understand_. He sees why he would have carried out each and every one of those awful things, even against Charles. To grow so old and see that humanity never changed and everyone around him just kept making the same blunders, one side always against the other… wouldn’t it be easier if there was no more sides and just simply mutants? It was horrifying to see himself sacrifice other mutants as pawns and yet…

His stomach sinks to think that whatever progress they’ve all made it’s all still worth nothing compared to what the humans are going to do in the future.

Charles wheels his chair back, snapping Erik out of his thoughts but he sees in that moment it’s too late. Charles already knows everything he’s been thinking.

“You never change.” His voice is just as laden with grief as Erik feels. Quiet and scared and in no way threatening but they make Erik flinch back all the same. “Even now when you know what will happen, how it will all end, you still think you were right to try and destroy them all those times.”

“How can you not?” He speaks for the first time, the swell of emotion pushed aside momentarily as they step back onto familiar territory. The same old argument since even before Cuba. Preservation against assimilation. Extinction versus cohabitation. “After seeing all of that, what they do to us and take from us, you still think there’s hope for everyone to work together? Hatred and bigotry like that doesn’t fade Charles.”

“You would know.” Charles snaps back. “You’re just as prejudiced as the rest of them, only against humans instead of mutants. God, Erik, after all this time you’re still just like-”

He stops abruptly but they both know the name he’d been about to say. Shaw.

“Do you really think so?” He asks lazily, adopting the mask carefully. It didn’t matter that Charles could read past it easily, Erik was taking it on principle that in this case Charles would make the smart choice and stay out of his head.

Charles swallowed. “I thought you’d given up your Brotherhood.”

He doesn’t sneer the name but it’s a close thing.

“Does this look like a group of vigilantes to you?”

“You rallied them awfully quickly when you tried to kill Jean.”

“A few of them volunteered to neutralize the threat that had come into our home and brought government soldiers here. That’s hardly the same thing.”

“Neutralize the threat.” Charles scoffed. “I thought you didn’t kill other mutants.”

“So that’s what this is about.” Erik crossed his arms. “Not about the things we both did in the future- a future that isn’t happening now and hasn’t been possible since Logan came back. No, this is about Jean.”

“Admit it. You aren’t sad she’s gone. She was too powerful, more powerful than you or me. You couldn’t have that.”

“I didn’t kill her, Charles.”

“We could have saved her if you’d just stayed away!” Charles swallowed, eyes shining. “I could have saved her. She would have stayed with me!”

And suddenly Erik understood.

This wasn’t about Jean. No, this was about _Raven_.

“No you couldn’t have.”

The telepath’s head shot up.

“Even you can’t save everyone. And though I wouldn’t put it past you to be able to control every single person on this planet- especially when I’ve seen you do exactly that- you’re right not to, Charles. You can’t stop people from making mistakes.” He took a deep breath. “You couldn’t have saved Raven.”

“I promised her when we were kids. And I kept failing. On the beach. At Jean’s house. No matter how hard I try it’s never good enough Erik.”

“You’re preaching to the choir with that talk, Charles.”

“You don’t understand,” Charles replies and it’s breathless. With sadness, with anger, with impatience, he can’t tell. Maybe all three. “No matter what you do none of us can hate you. Not really.”

He laughs at the outrageousness of the statement. “Now that’s not true.”

“It is.” Charles is not laughing. He’s deadly serious and Erik shifts, pulled by the sudden turns in this conversation. “Hank, Raven, me. None of us could ever turn you away completely. We never could have killed you.”

This is why he hadn’t wanted to talk to Charles. Because with Charles everything is raw, an open wound that hurts to touch and inspect. He’s never had this level of connection before with anyone, even Magda. This level of understanding that only comes from being in each others heads. And it’s awful, to be so exposed, to have everything so understood because it means Charles can pull it out and pick it apart when anybody else wouldn’t even know where to look for it in the first place.

“What are you saying? That we’re not all the same with you?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” Charles worries his lower lip for a second. “You and Raven left me to die on that beach. Hank left after Raven died. In the future you left me to die in a collapsing dam with Raven again.” Now he sounds bitter. “You’re right, Erik. I’m soft.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that because- because it’s true, but it’s not. He hadn’t left Charles to die on that beach. But of course, Charles would think so. Erik had left because one second longer spent there and he wouldn’t have been able to anymore. And not going back, not sending Azazel back, is still one of Erik’s biggest regrets, but he hadn’t done it wishing Charles would die. He’d always had an irrefutable belief that Charles would live, would always survive to see Erik again.

It’s why the things Charles has shown him have Erik so shaken. Watching Jean kill Charles was… even now a part of him couldn’t accept it. The mere idea of Charles dying didn’t make sense, it didn’t seem possible, not if Erik was still alive. And leaving him in that dam… while Erik can understand a lot of what his future self does, he cannot understand how he’d gotten to a point where he was once more comfortable leaving Charles. Not again, not after the beach.

One would think he’d be used to remorse by now.

“You’re wrong.” It’s all he can say and Charles’ expression doesn’t change. “And even if you weren’t, your kindness isn’t weakness Charles. I was wrong. Your emotions are the only reason I’m still alive.”

He shook his head. “The others-”

“Would have killed me long ago if not for you. Hell, Charles, the president gave us this land and pardoned me because you asked him to. None of that would have been possible if you hadn’t followed your emotions. We wouldn’t still be friends today. You are needed more than you know.”

Charles shook his head. “It doesn’t feel like it sometimes.

“You forget sometimes, that’s all.” Erik tried to smile. “Lucky for you I’m around to remind you.”

“I suppose it’s just that… I’m so tired, Erik.”

“Yes. That I _do_ understand.”

Charles scrubs his face with his hands, leaving blush stains splotchily across his pale skin. “I’m tired of people I love getting hurt, and of being responsible for so many and always letting them down.” He sighed, deep and hollow. “And I’m tired of being angry with you. But I don’t know how to stop.”

It hurts to hear but it’s nothing he hadn’t expected, not really. They had come so far and yet still there was so much to work through. Even though by now Erik wasn’t mad at Charles anymore- truly not at all- he could see why Charles still struggled with it, when the things he had done to Charles was so much worse.

“Charles.”

Blue eyes shot to him.

“I don’t know what our future will be. I can’t tell what the humans will do or how we’ll respond.” Erik tried to impart just how serious he was being. “But I do know we’ve already changed our future once and now we have something we’ve never had before. The two of us know what could happen if we keep fighting each other. And I don’t want that.”

“Neither do I, but Erik-”

“No, Charles.” He’s not finished yet. “I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen to us. Because if my fight for the cause doesn’t accomplish what I want and continues to push you away then there’s no point to it. If I don’t get the two things I want most then what am I fighting for?”

He cleared his throat, surprised at how tight it had gotten. “I know what the price is for what I want now, and it’s too high. It’s too much for too little.”

“What exactly are you saying?”

“That when I say I’m done, this time I really mean it. I am. You always said our problem was that neither of us were willing to give in and admit we were wrong. Well here I am, Charles, saying that I’m wrong.”

“No.” Charles was shaking his head before Erik even finished speaking. “Don’t you see? That’s what I was saying too. I’ve been wrong. About so many things. If anything has proved that the last month has. The humans keep turning on us and no matter how hard I try to ingratiate myself with them, in the end it doesn’t achieve anything.”

“You have done more for our cause than anybody alive today. Don’t you see the differences between now and the future we almost had? You’re the smartest man I know and you’re telling me that you don’t see the progress we’re living now? Instead of being killed without question, out of control mutants are talked down and taken in peacefully. Mutants have been using their power in public for years now, anyone with visible mutations are accepted and you don’t see how this is a different life from what our other selves were living? In that future we were old and the fight still hadn’t changed. In this life we’ve already made it well past that.” Erik sought his eyes and held them. “The fight has changed, Charles. And there are others to fight it now. I’m more than happy to let it all go and leave it to them.”

“That doesn’t sound like you.”

“Maybe not. But I’m not lying. If they call us in to give them a hand once in a while I won’t say no, but the way forward isn’t on a battlefield anymore. You had the right idea with politics Charles, but it can’t be you alone that does it. This needs to rest on more than one mutant’s shoulders, as lovely as your shoulders may be.”

That actually gets a startled laugh from the other man but it’s gone quickly. Charles stops to just stare at him in astonishment. “You’re not kidding.”

“I never kid.”

“Well that’s true.” Charles acknowledged. “You would really be ready to just… retire with me? No involving ourselves in disputes that don’t need us-”

“Out of the two of us I’m not sure which one will find it harder to resist.”

Charles shot him a look but didn’t stop. “-and keeping our own differences of opinion to debate without letting it come between us?”

“Depends what we disagree about.” Erik’s smile was all bared teeth but Charles still smiled back. “Come on Charles, I’m not one of your students. We’re two grown men.”

“We were both grown men when we met, that’s never stopped us.” His mouth twisted. “I’m just…”

“Scared.” Their gaze held. “Don’t you think I am too? Hope’s still a new thing for me, I’d hate to be disappointed again.”

Despite the joking neither of them were laughing.

“It won’t be like last time.” Erik promised quietly. “It won’t be like Cuba. We’re staying together, through teenage angst, missile crises, political disagreements and all.”

Charles looked away. “I don’t want you to leave me again.” 

“I’m done running.” He reached out and took Charles’ hand. “Everything I’d run to is right here.”

“And what happens when I get bored in 20 years and miss the school and want to teach again?”

Erik only smiled. “Then I’ll come teach with you.”

After a short pause Charles turned his hand up to link their fingers together.


	9. Epilogue

Years later, after Erik learns about Peter and Wanda and repairs his relationship with them both and Jean returns and reunites with Scott, Logan shows up again, bringing along a girl named Rogue. Hank calls him, asking if he’ll come back to the school to help the mutant they met twenty years ago who now seems to have no memory of them.

“He knew enough to bring Rogue here because this is the most well-known school for mutants.” Hank says over the line. “But apart from that… nothing. He doesn’t remember.”

“I’ll come.” He says and Erik looks over with a frown, crinkling his wrinkles. “We both will.”

The frown becomes a glare.

“Thank you Hank, just keep him there and keep him calm, we won’t be long. The jet won’t be necessary. Goodbye.”

“Do we have to?” Erik asks him before he’s even hung up the phone.

“Logan’s back.” Charles replies and that makes Erik’s expression flicker. Not quite guilt, but close enough to it that Charles knows he’s remembering what he did to the poor man.

They’d tried looking, when Charles had found out where Erik had left him. But Raven had found him first and helped fish him free. Since then they hadn’t found a trace and considering how uncertain time travel was, Hank and Charles had both assumed he’d either forgotten his past life because they’d changed the future, or removed himself from them all to avoid messing with the timelines further and causing any more butterfly effects.

It was fascinating stuff, really, and Erik had even seemed interested at first until Charles’ explanations had lasted well over an hour and eventually sent him to sleep.

So they hadn’t found him and Charles had just hoped he was alright. Time had gone on. Charles and Erik lived in Genosha with Charles returning to teach a few classes at the school at Hank’s request. But now Logan was back, with a new mutant, and Hank was asking for his help.

“Fine.” Charles’ husband had sighed but given in. “Let’s go then.”

So they’d gone. They’d explained, they’d listened and seen the new adamantine claws, and they’d met Rogue. Charles shares Logan’s memories with him and unlocks those that are hidden and the Wolverine agrees to stay.

“But don’t think I’m gonna teach.” He threatens. “And it won’t stop me going after Stryker.”

Erik scoffed. “You have a lot to remember if you think we aren’t going to take him down with you.”

Charles nods, a bit more uneasy than his partner is, but determined nonetheless. Stryker had disappeared, along with his son Jason, and Charles had been lulled into thinking that meant they’d avoided the threat. But with Wolverine’s metal claws as undeniable proof it now seemed some history was bound to repeat after all.

After they’d finished discussing their plans he had left Erik and Logan to talk (something that was sorely needed, though knowing them they would only talk about plans of attack instead of actually dealing with their differences) when Hank beckoned him out of the room to the hall.

“Professor.” Hank had pulled him into the office that had used to be his. He was heart warmed to see that it hadn’t changed all that much really. “I was wondering…”

He knows what Hank is about to say, but it’s been over 10 years since their last argument and Charles has learned a few things since then. He waits to hear the words.

“If you wanted to come back and run the school again you’d be doing us all a huge favour.” Hank said in a rush and Charles tamped down on his smile. “I know you and Erik are happy and I would understand if you refused, but I’ve been offered a position in government and-”

“Oh Hank, that’s wonderful, congratulations.”

“-thank you, and that means the school will need somebody to run it. Jean could really use the assistance, she’s still struggling, and you were a huge help with Logan today, I mean he never would have stayed if you hadn’t spoken to him-”

“Hank.”

“Right.” He takes a breath. “I’m sorry. About the way things ended up between us. I was grieving and angry and-”

“-and you were right. I needed to learn a few things.” He mulled over the words. “But I think I have. And I have Erik here to check me if I start making mistakes again. If you feel comfortable handing the school back over to me, and if Erik is alright with it, then I’ll happily accept.”

“Really? Oh that’s great, Professor-”

“I need to talk with Erik,” he says, though he feels Erik in the back of his mind, processing the conversation that he heard. “But I’ll let you know, alright? Before we leave?”

_I know you want to say yes._

_We need to talk about it first. I won’t make this decision alone, and besides. I love our life in Genosha, it would be hard to leave. And it’s your baby._

_But you miss being a leader. A teacher._ Erik pauses and Charles knows he’s given up on listening to whatever Logan is currently saying. _To tell you the truth, I do too._

_Erik?_

_I miss it here. And I miss helping other mutants. Genosha is self-running now, they don’t need us anymore. We might as well come back to where we can be useful._

_What are you saying?_

Erik sends through a current of exasperation _. Just tell him yes. We’ll sort the rest out later._

_You really want to?_

_Charles._

_Alright then. If you’re sure._

Erik doesn’t say anything so Charles’ face splits into a smile and he looks at Hank who is waiting patiently with a knowing look on his face. “Never mind. We’re staying.”

Hank’s grin is wide.

* * *

There are new threats of course, because life is not easy for anybody, but somehow they seem easier than the dangers they’ve faced before. They are a united front, mutants with mutants, mutants with humans, and that makes them stronger. Erik still doesn’t believe it sometimes.

Years pass and soon he and Charles are the old men Charles showed him from Logan’s memories; though not quite the same old men he saw in their future.

Their past has not been easy, but it has been easier than what it could have been. They changed history and gave themselves a life that wasn’t possible before.

It’s in bed one night that Erik brings it up. “Are you happy?”

And Charles turns his head on the pillow to face him, thoughts slowly leaving the paper he’s been reading on his phone to think about Erik’s question. He feels his confusion for a moment through their link before Charles quickly peeks into his head to see what brought the question on.

He knows the answer Charles will give. But he needs to hear him say it anyway.

“Yes. Yes, Erik, I’m happy. I’m at peace. Are you?”

They’re like two schoolboys teasing each other, like two teenagers drunk and in love and a mess because of hormones and emotions they don’t know how to deal with yet. Like two old men who have spent their lives fighting just to make a world where they can be together in peace.

“Yes.” He says and leans forward to kiss his husband.

_Fin_


End file.
